Title: Into the night

Author: Jessica   ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )

Rating: PG

Category: M angst, V

Spoiler: Gethsemane

Archive: Wherever. Just let me know where.

Feedback: I would love some. j_rothen@yahoo.se

Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles

Summary: Not given

Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX 
and they are not mine. 

Note: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistake may occur.


I feel so rootless. It feels like I'm drifting in between 
lifes. I don't belong anywhere anymore. I'm just a ghost of 
the person I used to be, just a shell. If I move I know I'm 
going to break. Maybe that wouldn't be so bad. At least then 
I wouldn't feel this pain. It fills me up and makes my body 
numb all over. It keeps me bound to this chair. 
It was my fault. The blame is mine, no one else's. 
I should have seen the lies. I should have been prepared. But
I was too blind to see. I willingly ate up every lie they feed
me. I believed because I needed something to cling to. I was 
so desperate for answers that I never saw the lies they hide
so well. I have been stupid and blind. So what is left for me
to do? I can stand up and fight them all. But I don't know if
I can. They have hit me hard this time. I keep on hearing that
they gave Scully this disease to make me believe. Even though
it turns my stomach to think about it I know that it's the
truth. I never thought no one could be capable of such cruelty
but I do now. I know I have been naive in so many ways. I 
know the face of evil now. I wish I had the strength to fight.
But it feels like I'm shattered. It feels like they have 
finally broken me. I swore it would never come to this. I vowed
that this would never happen. But it did and now I'm here 
more lost than ever. I can't see the road ahead anymore. I feel
so lost. All the things I believed in, all the things I held
up as truth has been shattered into millions of pieces. 
How can I go on knowing that it has all been lies? It feels
like my whole life has been build up on lies. It started when
Samantha was taken. I walked through life believing that I 
would one day find her. My passion for the truth was fed by 
my longing to one day hold her again. Now I know that it has
all been lies. 
The gun feels cold in my hand. I want to let go of all. I 
thought I knew where my place was. Now I don't know anymore. 
I know nothing. But somehow I don't care. I don't care anymore.
I just want to get rid of this pain that keeps me chained to 
this chair. Maybe it's time for me to face facts. I'll never
see her again. I will never know why she was taken. I will 
never touch her again. I have said goodbye to her so many times
but it has always been something that makes my heart feel
hope again. I have clung to small pieces of the puzzle 
convinced that it would one day lead me to the truth. The final
truth I have craved for so long. But it's time now to let
go of it all. I wish I were strong enough to rise and fight 
back. But what is there to fight for? I know that there are
still so many questions left unanswered. But I can't take this
anymore. I keep seeing the faces of those I have left behind.
I keep hearing voices whispering that it has all been my fault.
And I know that it's the truth. I have caused so many people 
pain. I was the one who brought Scully into my life and my 
heart. I was the one who wanted her to see my truth. I wanted
to show her the other side of the coin. I wanted her to see
how dark my world was. I wanted her by my side. I needed her.
I never knew that until it was too late. I can still remember
that night when I stood there watching the sky and screaming
her name. But she was returned to me. And I thanked god for 
giving me another chance. But I never took it. I held on to
my heart, refusing to let her inside. It felt like she was
out of reach for me. She was some one that I could never win.
So I kept my distance. 
Then the news came that shattered my soul. Cancer. Of all the
monsters I have slain that were the one I couldn't stop. It
was out of my hands. I refused to believe that I was going to
loose her. I wanted to fight all the demons to get her back.
And I did. I have her. 
Now it's time for me to let her go. It's time for me to walk
a different path. I have to walk away from her. I know she
will have questions. Questions that I can't answer. I wish
I could explain to her how it feels like to hear that it 
has all been a lie. I wish I had somewhere to go after this.
But my life is the X-files. It has always been my home. 
I know I'm letting many people down. But I can't live like
that. I can't go on knowing that all the things I have believed
in was a lie. I wish I could. But the pain is too real. They 
have finally broken me. 
I sit here in the dark starring at the gun. Would it hurt?
I have never been afraid of death. I will embrace it. It
will the greatest escape from this life. My hand tremble as
I lift the gun and place it to my temple. I wish I could see
another way. I truly believe that everything will be so much
better if I leave this earth. I have no regrets. This will 
be the ending to everything. 
In that moment her face comes before me. She is so beautiful.
I have been blessed with her. I know heaven is waiting for 
me. I wish could tell her how much I love her. I wish I could
tell her why I'm doing this but I hope she will understand. 
I whisper my goodbyes to the world I am just about to leave.
I'm not scared. 
Don't cry for me. I will be safe. 
Don't weep for this lost soul. 
I have found my path. 
I will be waiting for you. 

I close my eyes and turn my head to the sky. I believe in one
thing. I believe in life after death. I believe that I will 
see her again. I know that we have no beginning and no end.
We'll meet again.  
That is one thing they haven't taken away from me. 
Tears caresses my cheeks as I open my eyes and prepare myself
for what is to come. 
Welcome, death. 
Take me away from this world and mend this
broken heart of mine. 
Save me from myself. 
Welcome. 

I close my eyes as death come knocking. 

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