Title: After all this time

Author: Jessica   ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )

Rating: PG

Category: MSR

Spoiler: None

Summary: Can a kiss change everything? 

Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong to FOX 
and they are not mine. 

Note: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistake may occur.

I learned along time ago to never let my feelings show. I 
have always tried really hard to let nothing ever touch my
heart. Maybe that sounds cold but I have had too much 
heartache in my life. My heart isn't so strong. I have 
built this wall around my heart and I will not let 
anything pierce through.
I can live my life like this. I have never craved love. I
don't need anyone. I like loneliness. The silence is my only
friend these days. I find it peaceful sometimes. 
Oh, I know I lie. It comes days when the silence eats at my
soul and makes me fall in to the deep black hole that it's my
own private hell. Some days the wall crumbles and all that is
wrong in the world, all the pain I have tried to shut out
come bursting through and hits so hard that I brake down 
crying. If it's only for an afternoon the scares are still
there afterwards. 
I never thought one kiss would make it all come crashing down.
Just like that. I thought I was stronger than that. I have
been kissed before. But not like that. Not by him.
It happened on a gray afternoon. Even though I have tried 
really hard to put it all behind me I can't. I can't
raise the wall again. I have tried. But it feels like I have
tasted a piece of heaven. He gave me that. 
It started as a usual day. I came to the office around
nine. He was already there. He was sitting in front of his
desk and he smiled at me when I entered. He has a special
kind of smile. It makes his eyes shine and it makes me feel
warm all over. I said hallo, took my coat of and walked up
to him. He rose and said something, I can't remember what.
Then he kissed me. Just like that. His lips were so soft.
He was gentle. He didn't rush. It was like a soft breeze. 
I felt like dying in his arms. My legs felt like made of 
Jell-O. When I felt his tongue inside my mouth a fire started
inside of me. His hands on my body made me long for more. 
I would never admit then but I wanted him. I wanted to feel
his skin against mine. I wanted everything that he gave me.
I was totally at his power. Suddenly he broke the kiss and
smiled down at me. He was still holding me in his arms and
I glad he did otherwise I would fall to the floor. I can't 
remember the time after that. I can't even remember how I
got home. The only thing I know was that I ran.
Now I'm standing here in front of my window still feeling his
lips on mine. It feels like his hands has burned into my 
flesh. A fire is burning inside of me. My legs still feels
weak. I can't believe that I'm feeling like this. I fear
the thought of facing him again. I know he can read me like
an open book. I want to hide away from the world and find
the strength inside of me to face him again. I don't want 
to be in love. I don't need it. I can't make it without it.
A knock at the door woke me from my thoughts. I knew that
it was him. I let him in and hope that he can't read
what I'm feeling. 
- You ran. Why?
- I.....
I can't find the words. 
- I'm sorry I kissed you.
- Don't be. We'll just forget it. It's  nothing.
He looks at me with those beautiful eyes. It feels like
they can see inside of me. I wish I could read his mind.
- No, I'm not sorry. I kissed you and II don't regret it. 
He walked up to me. I wanted back away from him, turn and run.
But he framed my face with his hands, looked me straight
into my eyes and I was lost.
- You are the one I want. It has alwayss been you. I will never
regret kissing you because I have dreamt about doing that 
since you came into my life. You give me so much.
   
I want to die. It feels like I'm lost, like my whole world is
coming crashing down. 
- I want you. I need you. I'm in love wwith you.
I'm scared. It has been so long since someone said those words
that I almost have forgotten how they sound. As I stand there 
looking into his eyes I can see myself there. I know he will
never hurt me willingly. I know I can put my life into his 
hands. But can I trust him with my heart?
- I will never hurt you, Scully. I rathher put a knife through
my own heart.
- I know.
- Then...
- Mulder, please, I can't...
- Tell me what you're feeling? 
- It's not easy for me to say the wordss you want to hear.
- I just want to hear that I'm not makiing a fool out of myself.
- I would never think that.
He is my best friend. He has been there when no one would. I
owe him my life. 
- I know you're scared. I'm scared too.. But I know if I don't
ask you to be mine I will regret it for the rest of my life.
- How will I know that you'll never leaave me? How will I
know that...
- You have to trust me.
- I trust you with my life, Mulder. Youu know that.
- You are my friend and my love. You arre so beautiful. I love
the way you are with children. I love your strength, I love
your mind, I love the way you always question everything. 
I want you. I love you. If you don't trust me then trust 
this.
Then he kisses me. It wasn't like the other kiss. This was
more demanding. He gave himseelf to me in that moment and 
I'm lost in a cloud. I broke away as soon as I could. My
world is spinning. 
I can't remember life before him. I
love him. I have always loved him. I know I have lied.


But I have tried so hard to keep him from my heart. I have
read somewhere a old proverb that goes something like this;
" If you go out looking for love it will avoid you but if you
avoid love it will follow you". Maybe it's true. I have tried
really hard to shut love out. I have feared it. Now it's
here. As I stand here looking into the eyes of the man I love
I know I'll be okay. I know he can give me all the love I 
need. I know he loves me. I smile up at him and kiss his lips.
He looks a bit surprise. Then I say the words I have had
such a hard time to say:
- I love you, Mulder.
He takes me in his arms and spinn me around. I laugh and
I know that I'm safe in his arms. 
So this is happiness. So this is love.
I have finally made it.
I feel complete. 
He kisses me once again and we sit down on my sofa. 
We have made it, my love. 
Together.

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