Title: Cry (3/4) - Rise
Author: Jessica  ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )
Rating: PG
Category: Doggett/other, Doggett angst, V
Feedback: Yes please, j_rothen@yahoo.se
Spoiler: None
Archive: Wherever, just let me know where
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles
Summary:   
Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong 
to FOX and they are not mine.
Note: English is not my first language so spelling/grammar 
mistake may occur.

"Well I don't know if I'm ready 
To be the man I have to be...."
(From "With arms wide open" by Creed )

------------------------------------------------------------
Cry (3/4)
Rise

I know it's time for me now to let go of the life I once had.
I know it's silly to hold on to memories. But I need them. 
I need them like the air that I'm breathing. I know I said 
that I would be okay. I lied. It comes days when I fall so
deep in that dark whole of despair. Faces from the past comes
back to haunt me and I weep for what I once had. 
I know that I should be strong and pick myself up and move on.
But it's not easy. They say that life goes on. What do they 
know. It's feel like my life is on hold. Like I'm waiting for
something or someone that can take me away from all of this.
Monica Reyes has left me. I will tell the truth. She didn't 
leave me. I left her. I didn't want to hold her back. She is
my friend and I can't ask her to carry around my pain anymore.
She needs her own life. So I let her go and wished her luck. 
It was the only way. 
I still miss her, though. We talk on the phone these days and
she asks me how everything is going. I lie and say that 
everything is great. I don't want to disappoint her. She 
tells me about her life and she sounds really happy. I'm glad.
She deserves all the happiness life can bring her. 

As soon as our divorce was final Barbara married again. She 
send me a letter. I never read it. I tore it into pieces and
threw it away. Maybe it's not fair but it's still hurts. 
She has moved on. She's happy. I should be happy for her. 
Believe me, I have tried. But I just can't. I still love her.
I just wish sometimes that I could stop feeling this way.
I'm still clinging to memories.

These days my life is my job. I live for it. I breathe it. 
I hate going home to that old apartment. So I stay on the job
as long as I can. When night creeps closer I begin my wandering
through the streets of this town. I drift in and out of bars 
and clubs. 
I never take one drink. I have stopped drinking. I haven't 
taken one drink since that night she saved me. That is my 
promise to her and I intend to keep it.
They know my face now. I don't know why I go to those places.
Maybe I'm just in need of human contact. I never talk to anyone
and they mostly leave me alone. I sit by the bar or in the 
corner of some club watching the faces of the people who drift
by. Than when my body screams for sleep I go home and let 
myself go. I never dream these days. My dreams are beyond 
control. 
This is my life. This is the life of John Doggett. 

Zombie. I move through the room like a zombie, not quite dead,
not quite alive. I live between lives. Only half alive.
That's me. I have accepted everything now. Nothing is going
to change. 
Jake Connor, my partner, is watching me like hawk. I'm 
grateful. He has tried to make me open up. But I won't. I 
can't. This is one thing I have to do on my own. I know it 
will take time. Time is one thing I have. 

Her name was Laura. She was just a face in the crowd at first.
But somehow she saw me and broke free from everything and 
approached me. I was sitting at a table in some bar, somewhere,
starring into the bottom of my glass. I was alone as I wanted 
to be. I need to be.  
"Can I buy you a drink?"
I looked up and saw her standing there. She was nothing like
Barbara. She was tall but slim. She was dressed in a black 
dress. Her hair was dark, almost black, and long. 
I wanted to tell her to go away but it was something in her
eyes that made me not to.
"No. I don't drink."
She smiled.
"Than, can I buy you a cup of coffee or are you waiting for 
someone?"
"No."
"No to what? To the coffee or to that you are waiting for 
someone."
I looked up at her. She smiled at me once again and I felt 
myself fall into her. I needed someone. I needed.. 
I don't know.
"No to that I'm waiting for someone."
"May I sit down? My name is Laura Parker, by the way."
She reached out her hand and I took it. 
"John Doggett."
She sat down and looked at me. For one second I regretted ever
speaking to her. I wanted to hide away from this life. I wanted
to be the ghost, the zombie, I used to be. 
"So what do you do, Mr. Doggett?"
"I'm a detective."
"Oh, police. What kind? Murder?"
"No. Fugitives."
"Oh, I see."
Laura Parker looked at the face of John Doggett and for the 
first time she found herself hesitating. She had seen him around
several times. She had wanted to speak to him, but he had 
always managed to slip away from her. He was a loner. His
face was the face of a man hurting. She could see the sorrow
and the pain in his eyes as he looked at her. As she looked
into his eyes she knew that she wanted to help him, if he only
let her. 
"I'm a writer, myself."
"Oh.."
"Yes. I write children stories, mostly."
She talked too much. I wanted to tell her to leave me alone. 
But the warmth in her smile and the kindness of her eyes won
me over. 
"What about?"
I looked at her and took her in, every part of her. She was 
an attractive woman. She looked to be around thirty, but I
didn't want to ask. 
"Oh, everything. I love to write stories about knights and 
princesses..You know...It's the romantic in me."
The coffee came half an hour a later and we sat there for a 
long time just talking. She mostly talked. I listened. But
it felt nice. For first time in a long time I felt alive again.
As I sat there listening to her stories about everything and
nothing I found myself smiling again. 

The moon had come out to play when we exited the bar. Somehow
I just didn't want this night to end. She was a stranger to 
me. But somehow I felt at ease when she was close to me. 
She smiled at me as she buttoned her coat. 
"Take a walk with me, Mr. Doggett."
"John."
"Okay, John."
She walked up to me and took my hand in hers. I wanted to back
away, avoid her touch. But I didn't. I let her take it. It
felt so nice to walk there beside her, listening to the sound
the night made. 
She smiled and said:
"I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship."
For the first time in a long time I laughed. 

She was like a warm breeze into my life. She warmed my 
frozen heart and made me believe in the future again.
I never knew it than, but she was exactly the one I needed.
She was right. That night was the start of a beautiful 
friendship. I still smile when I think about that night. 
I don't know why she chose me. I don't even know what this 
will take me. But I need her. Even though I just might be for 
a week or a month. I will cherish every moment I get to spend
with her. 

I think it's amazing that a smile can make you feel so great. 
Her smile makes me feel like I can fly. She makes me laugh.
She gave me something no one else has been able to give me. 
She gave me back my life. She made me feel alive again. 
Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful for everyone of those who
has been there for me. Monica, Barbara. But she was someone 
else. She was not like them. 
I look at her now and I can't help but smile. It has been 
almost a month since our first meeting. She has moved slowly 
with me. It took two weeks for me to open up and tell her 
about the darkness in my life. She sat there, just listening
and when I was finished she took me in her arms and just held
me. She never presumed to understand what it might be like 
to loose a child. She just held me. 
She moves through my home like she lives here. I like that. 
I can hear her singing as she moves around my kitchen. She 
has promised me dinner. I just can't wait. 
I rise from the coach and walk up to the doorway to my 
kitchen. She smiles as she sees me. She is standing by the 
window with the light behind her. She looks amazing. She looks
so beautiful. As I stand there fear comes back to haunt me. 
I realize that I can fall in love with this angel god has given
me. And that scares me. 
"Don't just stand there. Help me make the table."
Without saying a word I start to make the table. 
Am I in love with her? How did I fall in love with her?    
Her hand touches mine just for a moment and I tremble. 
I look at her and for a moment I let go of everything. I don't
care anymore. I don't care what's right or proper. I need her. 
I want her. I move closer to her. She doesn't back away. She
doesn't say anything. My hands are trembling as I move in to
kiss her. Her lips are warm under mine. She doesn't object. 
She moves closer to me and I feel myself fall. I taste her
and find myself wanting more. I let go of everything that 
holds me down as I touch the sensitive skin at her back. 
Her hands find its way under my shirt. Her hands are warm
against my skin. For a moment I break away from her. Without
saying a word I take her hand in mine and lead her to my 
bedroom. I will not regret this. I will not fear love. 
The fear has left me now as I reach out my hand and she comes
to me. In her eyes I can see promises for the future and for 
a moment I let myself believe that she will stay here with me.
I go to her now with a heart unchained from the shackles of 
sorrow that once held it down. 
Maybe they are right after all. Maybe time does heal wounds 
or maybe love has mended mine. The love from strangers. 

I lay beside her a long time listening to her breathe ebb and
flow. I can still taste her. She gave herself totally to me,
without questions or hesitations and I love her for it. 
Maybe there is no such thing as the love of your life. Maybe
your heart is capable of loving several times. All I know is
that I will love like this is my final day on this earth. My
life has tought me that never take anything for granted and
I'll never do that. I will love her as long as she lets me and
when she leaves me or if she ever leaves I will be grateful 
the days she brought magic into my life. 

I got to have her for five months. Than it was time for her
to walk another path. A path different from mine. 
I had applied to the FBI, months before. She pushed me to 
follow my dreams. She made me believe in myself. She made me
see that there was nothing I couldn't do. 
Laura had been offered a job as a writer for a paper in San 
Francisco. Her dream had always been to write for a paper. 
She will be following her dream as I will follow mine. 
She standing in the doorway to my living room with a suitcase
in one hand. I have asked her if she wanted me to drive her 
to the airport. But she had refused. She smiles at me now. 
I will remember that smile until that day I'll die. 
"So, this is it for us."
"No, this is not the end, John. We will meet again. I'm sure 
of it."
I smile and rise from the coach. I walk up to her and put 
my arms around her. 
"I don't know how to thank you."
"Thank me? For what?"
"You saved me."
"I did no such thing."
"Yes you did. You saved me from myself. I was so sure that I 
could make it on my own that I never saw that I was just half
alive."
"John, I...."
" So, thank you, Laura. Thank you, for understanding. Thank you
for giving me back my life. Thank you for making me smile 
again. Thank you for the magic you brought into my life."
I let her go and she looks up at me. She is crying. 
"I will remember you, John. I will always remember you."
"And I will always remember you. You're an angel."
She kisses my lips gently and than she breaks away from me.
She starts to walk towards the door. She opens it slowly. She
stops in the doorway and turns around. 
"Don't let life pass you by. Go out and live your life. I love
you."
"And I love you."
And with a smile she walks out of my life. 

I stand here by my window watching her drive away. I can't 
help but smile. She will always live in my heart. 
I'm not afraid anymore. I thought I could run from the world.
I thought I could hide away all my feelings. But she showed
another life, another life that brought me love. I will 
always be grateful for what she gave me. 
I feel so strong. I feel like I can fly. 
Tomorrow I will start my training at the FBI. I'm following 
my dream. 
I'm alive.
Here I'm. 
Stronger than ever.
I smile at the sun and say:
"Life, here I come." 

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