Title: Cry (2/?) - Drifting
Author: Jessica  ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )
Rating: PG
Category: Doggett/Barbara, Doggett/Reyes, Doggett angst, V
Feedback: Yes please, j_rothen@yahoo.se
Spoiler: None
Archive: Wherever, just let me know where
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles
Summary: The events after Luke's death and the break-up between
Barbara and John.  
Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong 
to FOX and they are not mine.
Note: English is not my first language so spelling/grammar 
mistake may occur.

I used to dread being alone. I used to hate it. These days 
I embrace it. I hide away from the world like the ghost I am.
I walk around this house living on the memories. 
She has come several times to take away bite by bite from 
the house. At first I tried to stop her. I tried to reason 
with her, but she wouldn't listen. 
She refused even to look at me. 

Days have gone by in a blur. I get up and try to act like it's
just another day. But than reality hits and I fall back into
the dark hole that is my own personal hell. Pain is a friend
of mine these days. I embrace it. It makes me stronger somehow,
it sharpens my senses. 
They say that time heals all wounds. The one who said that
knows absolutely nothing. Times don't heal anything. It just 
makes it easier to live with the scares. 
It has been almost a month since we laid him to rest and I 
haven't been able to step inside his room. 
Barbara has come to take some things from his room. 
I haven't objected. I know she needs it. She needs to be close
to him. I just wish that she could talk to me. I need her 
here beside me. I want to hold her. I want to be held by her. 
But she has pushed me away. 

She standing in the doorway to our living-room with a suitcase
by her side. She is dressed in a dark dress. She looks so 
small, like a breeze could knock her over. Her face is pale 
and her eyes look dead as she looks at me. 
"This is the last things.."
"Where are you going?"
I know that I'm not allowed to ask those questions. 
Not anymore.
But I want to know. 
"I don't know."
"But..."
"John, don't."
I walk up to her and look straight at her. 
"Don't what? Ask you to stay?"
"John, I need to get out of this place. I can't live here 
anymore. It holds just too many memories."
"We could get away. We could go abroad. We could go up into 
the mountains. We could..."
" John...no...I can't go anywhere with you."
I want to scream out that she belongs by my side. That she 
belongs to me. But I can't. My mouth won't move to say those
words. 
"But..How can you say that? What about all we had? You are 
still my wife."
"Can't you see it, John? Don't you know? There is nothing left.
It died when Luke died."
"No. I refuse to believe that."
I reach out my hand but she avoids it. She backs away from me.
It hurts me more than I can describe. 
"Please, I don't want to hurt you. I just can't be with you 
anymore."
"Just like that."
"No. Not just like that. I felt myself dying when we buried 
our son. My heart broke in millions of pieces. I doubt that 
I ever can mend it again. I'm dead inside. I doubt that I 
can ever love anyone again."
"What about me!? You weren't alone in this. I lost my son also.
I was there. Remember? How can you say that your heart was 
broken!? Feel this!"
I take her hand in mine and place it over my heart. 
"Can you feel it, Barbara? It's my heart. It's broken. So how
can stand there talking about being dead inside. Your not the
only one."
"John, please don't do this. I can't..."
She is crying now. I take her hand in mine. I want to take her
in my arms and never let her go. 
"I love you. Don't you know that? You are the love of my life."
Her tears caress her cheeks as she looks up at mine. 
"And you are mine. Don't ever doubt that. Don't ever doubt that
I love you. I just can't stay here. I just can't be with you. 
I need to be alone."
Tears make my sight blurry. 
"I need you here. I need you by my side. I need you arms around
me. I can't make it on my own."
"I know you can. You're the strongest man I know, John 
Doggett. You're my hero. I believe in you."
She leans forward and touches my cheek with her lips. I feel
myself falling. 
"I don't know how to let you go."
That's the truth. How can I give her up? How can I let her go 
when every bone in my body needs her to stay?
She takes my hand in hers and looks up at me. 
"You will always live in my heart. You are my first love and
nothing can ever take that away."
"Please, don't go. I'll do anything...I..."
She kisses my hand.
"Goodbye, John Doggett."
Then she turns around and walks out of the front door. 
I stand there a long time listening as she drives away.

It took one week for me to realize that she wouldn't come back
to me. It was hard to give up hoping but I knew that I had to
let her go. 
I stayed in that house for three weeks than I finally worked
up the courage to put it on the market to sell. 
I returned to work one month after the death of my son. I 
threw myself into the work of shuffling papers. I returned
to my old ways. I was back to being the old John Doggett.

Three weeks after I put the house up for auction it was sold
to a young couple. I moved into a small apartment. 
Moving out of that house was the hardest thing I have ever 
done. Just going through every room sorting through what I 
wanted to keep and what I didn't was hard. I found myself 
close to tears more than one time. That house held so much 
memories that I almost feared letting it go. But I knew that
I had to do it; otherwise I would perish in my own memories. 
It was all for the best. 

I never spoke to Barbara about selling
the house. The only way I could come in contact with her was
through her lawyers and they said that she had no objections. 
Ten years of marriage had been reduced to talking through 
lawyers. It hurt more than I could imagine. I still missed her
more than I thought was possible. I hated the silence of that
small apartment, so I tried to spend so little time as possible
there. 
My home became the bars close to my home.
I have never been much of a drinker. But it came natural to me.
It was like riding a bike. It's amazing how alcohol can numb the
pain. I threw myself in the work of numbing the pain. I never
was drunk at work, though, never. I knew exactly what I was 
doing. I just wanted to make those times after work, when the
darkness creeps closer, become as blurry as possible. I wanted
to forget everything. I wanted to numb the pain. I had never
felt so alone as I sat there with a drink in my hand.

She found me and she saved me. Monica Reyes. Until this day 
I still don't know why she did it or how. She just did it. 
She saved my life. She saved me from myself. 
It was just one of those nights when the ghost from the past
was bigger than usual. I don't know how she found me. All I 
knew was that I was on my forth drink when she appeared beside
me in the bar. 
"Mr. Doggett."
"Ms. Reyes. Or is it Mrs. these days?"
"You can call me Monica."
She sat down beside me and smiled at me. She smelled of 
perfume and shampoo. Memories from days gone by came back to 
haunt me. Barbara. 
"What are you doing here, Monica? Slumming?"
"I can ask you the same."
"Can't a guy get a drink without anyone's asking."
"It's just...I didn't picture you as a drinker."
I smiled at her and raised my glass.
"Neither did I."
"I just came to tell you that there's still nothing. But I 
will not rest until we have caught this guy."
"Oh, give me a break! You really think we ever going to find 
out who did this and catch him. Never. I have stopped believing
that and I advice you to do the same."
"Don't say that. You have to believe that we are going to find
him. You have to. For Luke."
Anger boiled in me as I turned to her. 
"Don't ever say that. Ever! You don't know what is like. You
don't!"
"Yes, I do, John. I do. I have also lost a loved one."
" You don't know. You can't know what is like waking up every
night covered in sweat screaming his name. Seeing his face 
before you every time you go to sleep. Hearing him call out 
your name. You can't know. No one can."
I turned away from her, not wanting her to see the pain in my
eyes. I used wanted to scream to her to leave me alone. But
I couldn't. I wouldn't. I needed her. I needed someone. I 
didn't want to go through the night alone again.
"I'm sorry, John. I didn't know. I just wanted to help."
I just sat there starring into the distant. The drink
in front of me was forgotten. 
"You can't help me. Don't you know that? No one can."
"I can help you. I want to help you. I know one thing. Luke
wouldn't want his father acting this way. He wouldn't want to
see you doing this to yourself."
I looked at her without saying anything. I could see in her 
eyes that she was telling the truth. I wanted to believe her. 
I wanted to cling to her like she could save my life. But I 
doubted that no one could save me. Maybe I was already a lost
soul. I don't know. 
"Oh, just go away and leave me alone! I don't need you and 
your pity."
"I don't pity you. But I do want to help you."
She rose from her chair and addressed the bartender. 
"Let me pay for him."
I tried to object but she wouldn't hear about it. 
She took my hand and looked at me. Her hand was warm in mine. 
"Let me get you home."
The warmth of her hand in mine made my legs feel so weak and
the kindness in her eyes made me surrender to her. 
I rose, put on my jacket and followed her out of the bar. 

She drove me home without saying anything. I felt a bite 
embarrassed as I fumbled with my keys to open the door to my
apartment.
As I entered I hoped she wouldn't mind the mess. I hadn't 
cleaned since I had moved in. It was piles of dirty dishes in
the sink and the rest of the apartment screamed out for a 
clean. But I didn't care what she thought about my new home. 
I just headed towards my bedroom and the bed in desperate need
of sleep. I threw myself on the bed and closed my eyes. 
"I will not give up on you, John Doggett."
She was standing in the doorway to my bedroom as I opened my
eyes. I wanted to ask her why but my tired eyes wouldn't have
it. I closed my eyes and fell asleep. 

The sun woke me as it pierced through the bedroom window. I
woke slowly and sat up. I was still dressed in the things I 
wore yesterday. I smelled horrible and my mouth was all dry. 
I rubbed my eyes and got up.
She was sitting by my kitchentable with a cup of coffee in one 
hand reading the morningpaper. She looked up and greeted me 
with a smile as I entered the kitchen. 
"Good morning."
Everything was shining. The dishes in the sink were all gone. 
The windows had been washed and even the floor was shining. 
As I walked through my apartment everything was the same. It
was cleaned. She had cleaned my home. As I returned to the 
kitchen I just stood there in the doorway starring at her.
"You cleaned."
It was the only thing I could say. She just smiled and nodded
her head. 
"But why?"
"It needed to be cleaned."
"But...."
She was a stranger to me. She was just another police officer. 
But as I looked at her now I knew she was an angel. 
"Just say thank you and we'll be even."
I wanted to tell her that she had saved me. She was the 
one that had dragged me up from the hell that I was falling
deeper and deeper into. But I couldn't make my mouth move.
"Thank you."
She rose from her chair and smiled at me. 
"You're welcome."
She turned to get her coat. She was leaving. 
"You're leaving."
"Yes. I have to get back. It's food in the fridge and coffee 
in the pot. Just help yourself."
I wanted to ask her to stay but I couldn't do that to her. It
wasn't fair. I owed her too much to ask for more. So I let her
go and prayed that she would return. 
" Goodbye."
Than she left. 

Monica Reyes returned several times to my apartment. She came 
every evening after work. She always made me dinner and I 
started to get use to her company. 
Slowly but surely I began to heal. I could breathe again. 
The pain slowly died away and I began to see things 
differently. The sun could warm my face. 
I could even enjoy the rain. 
She gave me back my life. She gave me back my smile. 
But I couldn't tell her how grateful I was for everything she
had done for me. 

The papers came a month after I had met Monica. It's funny that
a piece of paper can make your whole world crumble. But it did.
Divorce. Barbara was asking me for a divorce. I sat a long 
time just starring at the papers, just seeing that word. I 
had never believed that it would end like this. I had lived
on hope, thinking that she might return to me one day. Maybe
it was foolish to ever believe. But I had to. I loved her. 
She was my wife. But she had made it clear that she didn't 
want me anymore. She had shut me out of her life the day 
Luke went missing. Maybe I shouldn't blame her. We were two
in this marriage. Some blame was on me. Maybe I didn't love
her enough, maybe I worked too much, maybe I didn't see her. 
Maybe...

She came to me the next day with a small box in her hands. 
I wish I could say that she looked terrible but she didn't. 
She was shining. Her hair was longer and she had gotten some
colors back on those cheeks. She was so beautiful. 
I had a hard time speaking as I let her into my new home. 
My wife. Barbara. I had dreamt about this moment for so long 
now. Her coming back to me. But I knew the reason why she 
had come and that hurt. 
She sat down beside her on the couch taking her in. God, she
was beautiful. 
"Why have you come, Barbara? To torment me? To hurt me?"
"John, don't do this..."
"Do what? You started it. You started it when you 
gave me this."
I gave her the divorcepapers. 
She sighed and looked at me.
"Don't make it harder than it has to be."
"Harder. Harder! You're my wife and no papers can change that!"
"You don't understand. I have met somebody..."
Pain. That old friend of mine came back to haunt me. I never
thought...
"He's name is James and he want to marry me."
For the first time in a long time I realized how foolish I had
been. I had kept hoping for something that never would happen.
I had lost her a long time ago. 
"But..."
"My reason to coming here today wasn't to hurt you."
"It has just been about a year since Luke and you want to get
married."
"Don't do this, John. I don't want to drag up the past. I
didn't come here to fight."
"Dragging up the past. He was my son!"
"And he died!...."
I could see sorrow in her eyes as I looked at her. 
"Don't do this, Barbara. Please, I beg you. Come back to me."
I had vowed along time ago that I wouldn't beg. But I had no
proud when it came to her. I had no proud when it came to my
heart. My heart still loved her.
"I can't do that, John. I have moved on."
She was crying now. 
"We could start over. We could..."
"It's too late and I think you know that. I'm happy. He makes
me so happy."
I wanted to hate the man that had taken her away from me. But
I couldn't do that to her. She deserved all the happiness that
life could bring her. I just wished it could be mine. 
My vision was blurry as I took the papers and signed my name.
This is letting go.
"Thank you. I will always love you. Never forget that."
Than she rose from the couch and looked at me. She put the
the box on the coffeetable and said:
"Goodbye, my love."
Than she walked out of my life. 

I sat there along time just starring at the box. Finally I 
worked up the courage to open it. Tears filled my eyes as I 
looked inside. It contained pictures from days gone by. Days
when I held happiness with both hands. It was pictures from
our wedding. I smiled when I remembered that day. I can still
remember every detail of that day. It will never leave me. 
Than I found pictures of Luke. I froze. I closed my eyes in
a weak attempt to shut the pain out. But I couldn't. 
Luke. I went through the pictures, remembering everything. 
His first step. His first words. The first tooth. The first
bike. 
My boy. My son. 
I closed my eyes and surrendered to my pain. 

Monica found me and she came to me without question. She
held me and let me cry against her shoulder. She never asked.
She understood. 
As the darkness chased away the sun outside my window I fell 
asleep in her arms and lost myself in beautiful dreams. 

When I woke it was still dark outside. She was sleeping by 
my side. I slipped from her without waking her. I walked up 
to my window and looked out. 
The moon chased the clouds outside.
I knew I had come to a crossing in the road. I could take the
path of sorrow and fall deeper and deeper into the life I 
lived. Or I could pick myself up and walk on. I could win
this. I could survive this. I knew I had strength left. I 
refused to surrender. Not yet. He wouldn't want me too. 
"You're awake."
Her voice brought me back to reality. 
"Yes."
"Are you okay, John?"
"Yes. I have never felt better."
I turned and looked at her. My friend. My savior. I smiled at
her.
I know I will be okay. I know he's watching over me. 
I will survive and someday we'll meet again.
I don't know where life will take me. All I know that I can't
stay here anymore. I will be strong enough and I will find 
my way back to happiness. 
One day I will be free.

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