Original production, April 7, 2001 Heartlande Theatre Co.
Stacey Griffin, director
Workshopped; The Sidewalk Theatre Co., Burbank, CA
March 2002
Table Reading; Phoenix Productions, Ypsilanti, MI
September 2002
Carla: female, 27-Melissa Beckwith
CARLA
Surprise! Happy�omigod! Dean! What happened?
DEAN
Dude, I can�t even begin to tell you.
(He goes to sit, but CARLA stops him.)
CARLA
Um, if you�re wet, please don�t sit on the furniture.
(DEAN looks at her, then plops himself on the floor.)
Um�Lookie!
(She thrusts the flaming beer bottle toward him.)
Tada! What do you think, �bud?� Get it? You�re my �buddy.� It�s a �Bud.� HA!
DEAN
I saw my ex-girlfriend in the car next to me during rush hour.
CARLA
Oh.
DEAN
She didn�t even wave back! I figure she�s still pissed about the whole me stealing her cat thing�
(He�s stripping.)
CARLA
Sure.
DEAN
So, I got pissed and I started following her.
CARLA
Dean, the candle�s dripping hot wax on my hand. Could you make a wish and blow it out already?
DEAN
I was honking and waving. I mean, now it was obvious she was ignoring me.
CARLA
Are you taking your clothes off here?
DEAN
Finally, we pull into a parking lot. Do you know where?
CARLA
No. You can�t leave those wet clothes on the carpet. It will grow mold and you�re allergic to mold.
DEAN
Club Chablis! Dayna�s a stripper now, Carla!
CARLA
Wait, is this "Droopy Dayna?"
DEAN
She's not so droopy anymore.
CARLA
They fixed her lazy eye?
DEAN
She had a lazy eye?
CARLA
Yeah. Isn't that why you called her "Droopy?"
DEAN
No, because she had--
(He mimes a large chest.)
CARLA
What an interesting story. Now get those wet clothes off the floor, blow out this candle and make your freaking birthday wish!
DEAN
Oh, sorry, Carla, I didn't...Oh, you did this for me?
CARLA
(coldly)
Happy Birthday.