How to Impress a Woman
Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her, caress her,
love her, stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.
How to Impress a Man
Show up naked.
Bring food.
A man and woman are having a relationship for about 4 months now. One Friday night, they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.
Her story:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar last night, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he is still acting a bit funny and I am trying to cheer him up and I start to wonder if it is me or something else. I ask him and he says no. But you know I am not really sure.
Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I am wondering if he is going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I am going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don't know, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else????
His story:
Lousy day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got some action though.
Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.
Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.
Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.
Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.
Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.
Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.
Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.
Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.
Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them.
Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Tracy...
...Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
...Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
...Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
...When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
...Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
...Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
...The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
..."Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
...At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
...It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
...Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
...Tanks would be far easier to rent.
...Garbage would take itself out.
...Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
...Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
...Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
...On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
...St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
..."Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops... Or to the crooks.
...Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
...The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle."
...It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
...Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
...When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck
answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
As in:
- Cop: "You know how fast you weree going?"
- You: "All I know is, I was spillling my beer all over
the place."
- Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off.""
...Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
...Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
...Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out with five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the place to find men. On the first floor the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" so up they went.
The second floor said, "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good-looking."
"Hmmm," said the girls. "But I wonder what's further up?"
The third floor: "These men have high-paying jobs, are extremely good-looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow!" said the women. "Very tempting, BUT there's more further up!" and up they went.
Fourth floor: "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy! But just think what must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they went.
The sign on that floor said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please."