Here is a list of the ways professors here at MTU grade their final exams:
Dept of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close
them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and
assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.
Dept of Philosophy:
What is a grade?
Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they
should receive an A.
Dept of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.
Dept of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and
the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student
will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
Dept of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the
instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be
sharp and flat respectively).
Dept of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.
50 fun things to do in a final that does not matter (e.g. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)
1) Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some
gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2) Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've
got the secret documents!!"
3) If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is
long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be
creative. Use the integral symbol.
4) Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the
instructor's left nostril.
5) Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud,
debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop,
yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start
alking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6) Bring cheerleaders.
7) Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it,
loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this.
I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal?
And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8) Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
9) On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting
way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse
to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with
my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10) Bring pets.
11) Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe
a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me,
I have to leave the country" and run off.
12) Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the
papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell
out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for
another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat
this process every fifteen minutes.
13) Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14) Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel
on your head, and nothing else.
15) Come down with a BAD case of Turret's Syndrome during the
exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16) Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know
one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman
numerals.
17) Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not
looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18) As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19) Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going
to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the
instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor
to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to
stay.
20) Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things,
move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21) Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you
walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22) Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and
true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out
interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
23) Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions
and answers completely blacked out.
24) Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25) Arrange a protest before the exam starts (e.g. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all
leaving after one hour to go drink).
26) Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some
point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27) Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor
asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light
bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked
up to a clapper. DUH!"
28) Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29) Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes,
put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of
the opera" until they drag you away.
30) Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you
know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize
you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture.
Fight for your right to take the exam.
31) Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly,
say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel?
Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32) Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33) From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy.
Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they
finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the
theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34) Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35) If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest
proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers
into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything
to your own life story.
36) Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword
and shield.
37) Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way
through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have
bad circulation.
38) Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is
obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise
you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and
staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the
attached notes for references as you see fit."
39) When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40) After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to
any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41) One word: Wrestlemania.
42) Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around
like they do before concerts start.
43) Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44) Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45) Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next
to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46) Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc...
sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47) During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.
48) Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at
a 90 degree angle.
49) Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If
you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think" Bring a copy of the
Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the
section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use
the phrase "Told you so".
50) Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx
Sucks"