Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering
a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,
so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you
cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and
all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair
and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your
pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to
ensure that your clothes do no, infact come off during the course
of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and
fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill
you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of
the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from
you is an indication of when you expect to have my duaghter safely
back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject
is: early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay
with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little
girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is
finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want
to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter
is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than
painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there,
why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my
car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient tamperature
is warm enough to introduce my duaghter to wear shorts, tank tops,
midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and
a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features
chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are
better.