Emma's Dilemmas
Dear Emma's Dilemmas,
Is it okay to date an older woman if I can't get a decent fit bird my own age?
Dear Emma's Dilemmas,
I am happily courting a most beautiful and enchanting lady but one thing is concerning me. Apart from drinking those so called 'Breezers' straight from the bottle she insists on smoking hand rolled cigarettes. Is it acceptable for a woman to smoke roll-ups?
Reply: Yes as long as she doesn't start using Cutter's Choice.
Dear Emma's Dilemmas,
The other day in the White Horse I accidentally overheard somebody remark that Swifty was over the hill. Don't you think this is a terrible way to refer to Gary's long term squeeze?
Dear Emma's Dilemmas,
I can't seem to get a girlfriend to save my life. Should I try this new fangled
homosexuality?
Dear Emma's Dilemmas,
We all know that murder is wrong but is it okay to kill one's neighbour if say they play the drums badly in the morning?
Dear Emma's Dilemmas,
As a popular Larkside publican and keen reader of Jizz Magazine, my life is
getting more and more busy what with all that horseplay and jolly banter
required of me in the bar, and now I am finding that simple tasks like cleaning
the ladies' toilets, getting a new carpet and sending the missus to the
hairdressers are suffering. Do you have any advice? CH,Funotina,Larkside.
Dear Emma's Dilemmas,
My girlfriend has left me and I was wondering if we could get a bit of an unruly mob together to sort her out. I know it's childish and illegal but I reckon it would do the job.
Dear Emma's Dilemmas,
I seem to have a D.J. stuck up my arse. Do you think I should scratch it? Yours,
Confused, St.Cleer.
Dear Emma's Dilemmas,
Following some horseplay recently involving me Julie and an 'orse I appear to
have a money box stuck up me batty. Is it safe? Ali, Staines
Reply: Probably but let me know if there's any
change.
Dear Emma's Dilemmas,
I think I have two rabbits stuck up my arse. Should I separate them before they
start breeding? Love Warren.
Reply: You shouldn't split hares.
Dear Emma's Dilemmas,
Got any cymbals you don't want? Shaman,Pensilva.
Dear Emma's Dilemmas,
Me Julie has got acute angina. Should I be worried? Ali,Staines
Dear Emma's Dilemmas,
Can you help to settle an argument between me and my mum? She says smack is worse than crack but I reckon it's the other way round. Who is right?
Anon, Larkside
Dear Emma's Dilemmas,
Following some horseplay recently involving me Julie and an 'orse me appear to
have a rasher of bacon stuck up me batty. Can it be cured? Ali, Staines
Reply: Presumably it was streaky bacon.
Was the bacon well past it's sell by date like this joke?
Dear Emma's Dilemmas,
I thought all my problems had been solved when recently I started dating a
stunning bottle blonde with a penchant for les affairs du coeur. However,
the other day she bought some of her CDs round and I was horrified to see Macy
Gray, Gabrielle and two from Texas. Luckily there was no Alanis Morissette, and
in her defence she did have a copy of Avalon, but she has banned me from playing
the digitally remastered with extra tracks version of Gary Numan's pioneering
Touring Principle 79 Show in bed, so why should I listen to Texas? I will do
anything for love but I won't do that. Also if I start making concessions and
accompany her on a walk, say, or eat fruit, or rise before noon, what will
happen next? Will it be short back and sides and visits to the health spa? Will
I have to give up smoking? I am at my wits' end. What do you advise, only you
have the Dark Powers to help me. Anon, Spinvale
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