News & Gossip

SHOWBIZ NEWS
by Mr Pitney Bean
Following the huge success of Larkside bands it has been revealed that a new tribute band has formed (Fantastic). The band, AbbaCadabra ("They're Magic"), consists of Powl (he's from Essex) Dancer, Carlton Suite, Chrissie Ray Vaughan and Ant Hill. They perform a wide range of Abba material and dress up to look very much like the original band (see attached photo).
If you're interested in booking the band contact Paul Program's Stable of Stars. A 45 minute cabaret act will set you back somewhere in the region of 1500 quid (well those costumes are expensive).

Where Are They Now?

It has recently been revealed that former Abba blond bombshell has probably undergone a change of image in order to join "Paul Programs Stable of Stars". In order to protect her privacy she has undergone minor cosmetic surgery and permed and dyed her hair. Her former golden locks are now grey, black and slightly curly. Anyone in the know should wear long blond wigs and purple sequinned hats to Plymsol Studios or Freestench gigs.

For some time now, every Friday night situationist pranksters have stolen the light bulb from the upstairs toilet at the Funotina Hotel. What a bright idea! Can anyone shed any light on this matter?! That bulb's not the only thing to get screwed in that toilet! etc

Meanwhile Spinvale, a previously sleepy village five miles from Larkside has finally made it's mark and is now officially the ghetto area of Caradon as buses refuse to go near the Post Office in case kids throw eggs at them again. This follows the discovery of a car stolen from leafy St Cleer in East Spinvale, some vandalised car aerials and litter outside the Millennium Centre. A spokesman for last year's winners of the Ghetto Award, East Taphouse, said last night: 'They all think they can do it, I admit they've had a lucky few months but we've won for years running and we're confident we can regain our crown next year'.

WEBB’S HOSTS BRITS
By Bing Chesterley
“Hey Baby” The future’s so bright for Ian that he’s donning a new pair of shades, after writing the official theme tune for the forthcoming Spinvale Winter Olympics. Not sure about that St. Ives Laurent cravat though!!!
	“Survivors” The Barbarellas picked up the Best Cosmetic Surgery Award… (left to right: Lucy, Emma & Lois)

A TALL STORY
by S. Kildare Matters came to a head this week at the Barley Sheaf in Larkside as the popular tavern was almost closed down for having too many tall people in a public place. Following a complaint from some little people, landlord Robert Palmer (37) issued the following statement: 'Some guys have all the luck. It	wasn't meant to be a theme night, it just got a bit out of hand. It started off just me and Shane Pollard, then skinhead Mark joined us and by sheer coincidence that geezer with the banjo and that Lou Reed lookalike from the Tank Tops arrived at the same time. Suddenly Lee Driver and Richard from Spinvale showed	up unexpectedly and all hell broke loose. It won't happen again. There will be checks from now on. Me and Sue just want to get our lives back to normal.' Meanwhile Bob is still trying to nail a particularly devious operator who keeps smuggling Newcastle Brown bottles into the Barley Sheaf.

The paparazzi (or something) have been on the case again in Larkside, and whilst no toe sucking was photographed two Larkside celebs were seen frolicking in the surf...Emma and Paul's big day out.........

Following the Mail On Sunday headlines I am attaching an exclusive picture of the Queen Mother's Ali G impression. The picture may be used to create memorial mugs, t shirts etc. Mr Pitney Bean Tue, 9 Apr 2002 01:11:55

The legendary choux bomber, who famously tried to blow up a plane with a bomb hidden inside a choux bun, was spotted by diligent Larkside residents yesterday buying some guitar strings from the Powerhouse. ‘They were those cheap £3 ones as well, not DiDarrio Top Light Bottom Heavies or anything like that,’ said Mrs Scott-Brown of St Cleer who did not wish to be named. ‘I told him to shoo.’

Police have surrounded every Barnecutts in a 30 mile radius of Larkside amidst fears the choux bomber may have fled over the Tamar Bridge with a bomb hidden inside an Iced Finger.

Eyewitness reports vary with some claiming the bomber had an unusual gate, others saying he took a fence, but all agreed he spoke alternately in a Welsh then Cockney accent.

‘It wasn’t me’ said top junglist Shaggy last night. ‘I was lacing some beats up at Plymsol Studio.’

Meanwhile in another part of town, controversial local artist Koljn Sargeant has been in the news once again for a second time defending his latest creation, an installation utilising various media such as faeces, urine and vomit. 'Eeeeeh it's

art,' he said from a secret location in Spinvale last night 'and it isn't just available at Stuart House, I will personally visit your house and install it myself, even if it means staying all night and drinking all your coffee’.

Recently freed on bail following the 'Eeeeeh can I paint your portrait' scandal, this art terrorist certainly lives at the zeitgeist as he combines

naturally occurring objects to highlight Man's ludicrous obsession with health and hygiene.

'Eeeeh you've just got to open up your mind,' claims Sargeant. However Larkside resident Chelsea Nomi (swcf24 – 39/22/48) has a very different opinion on the whole matter.

‘It ain’t art, it’s just shit’ she raged from her temporary hotel room this morning.

There are two top convenience stores in Larkside – the girls working down at Lanchard and more conveniently the conveniently situated ALLDAYS on the Parade Skate Park. Recently absolved by the Trade Descriptions Act when furious residents complained that the shop was closed at night, ALLDAYS has this week been plunged into a crisis as, following an emergency stock-take, a cheesecake was found

unaccounted for, along with 30p of Photostat paper and a Daily Mail dated 24^th Sept 2001.

A furious passer-by said furiously, ‘It’s people like this that come to our country and take our jobs and are nothing but unemployed scum. They don’t want to work. They’re the sort of people that would become a single parent if only they could be arsed.’

A box containing Isle of Man's own Irene's innermost secrets was recently uncovered behind some old newspaper upstairs at The Barley Sheaf. Due to legal reasons, Jizz Magazine is unable to publish much of the content, including a puzzling long list of men's names and the following cassette recording of Irene's finest karaoke moment.

“Survivors”