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Normally Jizz Magazine, a good Dickens and a slim volume of symbolist verse should satisfy all your reading requirements but occasionally the JizzStars feel the need to communicate with the media big boys, namely The Daily Mail, Chap Magazine and Countdown.

The  unique Daily Mail correspondence with Martin White

This is Martin White's September 2000 letter as it appeared in Jizz Magazine's sister paper The Daily Mail. It provoked thousands of complaints, mainly about Nicola's V-Neck jumper. Two or three days later this response appeared and Jizz was astonished to learn that...

Jizz observes: The words 'bait' and 'taking   it' spring to mind.

The Legendary Countdown correspondence with Jizz

Dear Countdown,
Did I imagine it or was there not a nine letter word DOVETAILS on today's show that nobody seemed to notice? Love Jizz 30 October 2001 16:58

Hi There,
Congrats on spotting dovetails. Excellent find and one that only a few people have called to mention - so well done. Regards Damian Eadie [email protected]  30 October 2001 17:06
An application form was attached which you can fill in if you wish to apply. CLICK HERE

Hi
I thought you might be interested in the above attachment books.jpg (609k). Thanks Damian Eadie Producer Countdown Tue, 13 Nov 2001 10:12:49
Jizz replies not: Couldn't find 'congrats'  in our dictionary even as an acceptable slang abbreviation. Also could you please stop sending me spam about your fucking Countdown book.

Dear Damian,
Sorry to be a smartarse but there was an 8 letter word POSTDATE on today's show that was overlooked. Love Jizz 23 November 2001 16:38

Touché Damian,
But in The New Little Oxford Dictionary Seventh Edition edited by Maurice Waite (Clarendon  Press, Oxford, 1994) it is included as one word. Admittedly it is only a small dictionary but proof of an un-hyphenated spelling. Jizz 23 November 2001 18:56

Hi Paul
There are so many different dictionaries on the market that disallowing a word on Countdown can prove to be a nightmare at times. We have to stick to the one book otherwise making decisions could take up to 10 minutes per game - depending on how many editions of dictionaries we would have to trawl through in order to find a particular word.
That said - POSTDATE was a great try and had you offered that on the show you would have been really unlucky - but if you came up with that at an audition it would be looked upon favourably as it shows a certain amount of skill at playing the game.
The best thing for us would be for all dictionaries to contain the same words - but in a competitive market they seem to differ widely, and sometimes just for the sake of it.
Thanks again for your email - i hope you took my initial reply in the spirit with which it was intended - and let me know if you spot any other 'missed' words - it's always good to get feedback. Cheers Damian Mon, 26 Nov 2001 09:14:30

Dear Damian,
Thanks for replying, I do enjoy our correspondence and of course it's all taken in the correct spirit. I don't get to use the expression touché very much here in Cornwall. I do understand about the rules, perhaps you could let me know what dictionary it is that you use. Still enjoy the show, say hi to Richard and Carol for me. Cheers now, Jizz.

Hi
The reference we use on Countdown is the New Oxford Dictionary of English. It's widely available in all the usual places and costs around £30 - and almost weighs just as much!! Cheers Damian Wed, 28 Nov 2001 09:33:00

Dear Damian,
In the final round today I spotted the eight letter word 'DAUBINGS'. Is this acceptable in Countdown? Jizz, Fri 22nd Feb 2002 17:00

Hi there Paul
DAUBINGS would not be allowed on the show, so hard lines this time. Cheers Damian Sun, 24 Feb 2002 21:57:50
Jizz replies: It took you two days and five hours to tell me that? And why does that very word appear in the Official Scrabble Words book and not in the NODE?

Dear Damian,
Hi, I hope you're okay. From today's show, how about the eight letter words MEAGREST and GAMESTER, both of which are certainly in the Official Scrabble Words book. Jizz, 22 March 2002 16:56

Dear Jizz,
Gamester yes, meagrest no. But you offered meagrest first, so no points!! Damian Eadie Producer Countdown Tel: 0113 2228453 Fax: 0113 2467699 Tue, 26 Mar 2002 07:53:44
Jizz replies: You don't have to sound so satisfied when knocking back my meagrest offering.

Dear Damian,
At approximately 16:38 on today's show I spotted the eight letter word 'HELIPORT'. Jizz, 2nd April 2002

Dear Jizz,
Another 'flyaway' success Paul!!. Cheers Damian Eadie Producer Countdown 3rd April 2002

Dear Damian,
Do you stage any Countdown auditions near Cornwall?

Dear Jizz,
The nearest would be Exeter. I'm not sure how far away that is from you, but
it's about the furthest south we go. Cheers Damian Eadie Producer Countdown Thu, 4 Apr 2002 08:11:58

The seminary Chap Magazine correspondence with Jizz

Good Evening Sirs,
When not reading symbolist verse I always peruse The Chap and Jizz Magazine unless there is a bordello nearby. Will you be updating your 'site' (as I now understand it is called)? It will give me something to 'browse' in between the fish course and dessert. Love Jizz  3/12/01 1:11 am

Dear Jizz,
Ah if there were time in the world between laudanum consumption and a lady's bosom, surely The Chap 'site' would be the wonder of the Northern Hemisphere. Cordial regards Vic Darkwood Sun, 09 Dec 2001 11:20:05
Jizz replies: Do what? Sounds like the sort of chap that tried to draw an analogy for his Art 'O' Level and mainly received his education in the shower block after gym.

Gentlemen,
In this day and age of the text message, the trainer and those so-called two for one offers that sometimes waylay a sophisticated cavalier from his duties towards the more aesthetic things in life and into the indomitable depths of those large supermarche shopping pavilions, would The Chap be as courteous as to permit a non-profit 'site' such as the notorious Larkside  missive Jizz Magazine to essentially steal the nom de plume and idiom of Vladimir Shokov? I can give you my word as a gentleman that only the most tasteful representation would be made and that in the spirit of camaraderie required as congenials there would be the addition of a 'link' to Jizz as well as the offer of unlimited hospitality at the quaint Webb's Hotel in Larkside any time you should find yourselves on a motoring adventure in the West Country region.

And respect to Jimmy Dunn for causing a stir in the Sunday Express, The Telegraph, Daily Mirror, the err... Evening Herald and (drum roll please) The Jonathon Ross Show. Jimmy arrived in France around April Fools Day 2002, unaware his neighbour's cat had stowed away. The neighbour now has to wait the required six month quarantine period to see their puss again. Clippings hopefully to follow.

Back in 1984 Paul Patch aka Billy Bad of Grays in Essex was erm... headhunted by Apple Computers to appear in their TV advert. This consisted of a long line of androids walking into a spaceship hence people with little or no hair were recruited. This was where Billy first became acquainted with the legendary Tilbury Skins, a tribe so fearsome that even people who had never been to Tilbury would have Tilbury Skins tattooed on their neck, along with the legend 'Cut Here'. This followed Billy's appearance as an extra in Pink Floyd's The Wall alongside Andy and Ian Wright, Ian Fair and Sarge. Here is a still from the advert:

The  unique Daily Mail correspondence with Paul Program

On Friday 14th June 2002, Mr Program realised his ambition to appear in The Daily Mail when they finally printed one of his letters. Previous musings on the subjects of recreationals and penis envy were all rejected. The letter was spotted by people in Birmingham, London and Middlesex but not in Cornwall. Out of interest, it took three weeks to publish and was slightly edited from the original below.

Dear Sir,
About five years ago I was in a cafe in Liskeard, Cornwall with my guitar after a spot of busking when an older lady struck up a conversation with me about music. She went on to tell me very proudly that she was an actress and had appeared in The Loneliness Of The Long Distance Runner, and that she was to have played Billy Liar's girlfriend Liz until she became ill. She told me her name was Topsy. Sadly people tended not to believe her and were less than impressed, a typically English cynicism. I did some research and discovered that indeed Topsy Jane was originally offered the role. I haven't seen her since but she was known to frequent the taverns of St Cleer, still not in the best of health. The contrast between her destiny and Julie Christie's is incredible. Paul Program, Pensilva, Cornwall

CORNISH RAP BAND ON RADIO ONE!!!

Jizz Magazine would like to extend it's congratulations to Larkside and Spinvale's own Chris Brind, Karate Kid Tim and Tony following their appearance on Radio One's Chris Moyles show, a coup that Jizz itself would be proud of. Under the guise of the Outrageous Bumpkin Crew, their parody of So Solid Crew in a Cornish Stylee™ was heard by countless millions across the country. A spokesman for OBC said that a record deal masterminded by The Stone Roses' former manager 'had a 50-50 chance' of coming off but was sadly passed up. OBC capped an extraordinary week with a triumphant live performance at The Barley Sheaf Jam 4th July.

Chris Brind has also achieved a number one hit on www.chrismoyles.net  with his bootleg soundclash Eminem Vs Teletubbies.

Meanwhile big up Looe Social Club Entertainments Secretary Terry Wright who, despite the assistance of Natalie Casey, lost dismally on Blanket Blank recently.