Larkside Tourist Board

Larkside is a gay market town located in South East Cornwall twenty miles from the city of Plymouth. Local enterprises include the cattle market, seventeen charity shops, care in the community and a booming narcotics trade, none of which are linked.
It has often been said that although people may try to leave Larkside they always return, and indeed it is an ideal sanctuary for anybody on the run from their home town. Local flavour is added in the shape of skateboarders on The Parade Skate Park and the pensioners who try to dodge in and out as they go about their business. The soi-disant Leisure Lounge, an amusement arcade is another haven for those with time on their hands during the daylight hours and is conveniently situated next to the thriving Job Centre.

As we enter the twenty first century there is an exciting new project in the pipeline for Larkside residents. Following the success of the Parade Skate Park and the Westbourne Garden Shooting Galleries the Larkside Tourist Board has unveiled it's latest plans to build a monorail offering convenient transportation between the Danish Quarter and Spinvale Airport. In the leaked picture below you can clearly see the Larkside Eye above the spacious car park behind the LTB offices formerly known as the White Horse. This view is from the Counting House of the Funotina Palace.

Jizz Magazine has also obtained evidence of all the stops available on the new monorail.

The legendary Pipewell Marina situated between Pike Street and Somerfields is also due for a makeover.

The monorail is designed to terminate at the beautiful skiing resort of Spinvale thus ensuring easy access to the rest of Europe via Spinvale Airport. You can now get to Copenhagen in under ten minutes with Swift Airlines.

In a dirty, thirty seven month covert operation lasting several years, Jizz Magazine's secret, underground, "plain clothes", undercover, crack reporters have uncoverd  whispers concerning cunning plans for alternative transportation schemes in Larkside and the surrounding area.

First they discovered a young and ambitious civil engineering firm The Laughing Colonels PLC were already bidding for permission to build a series of subways linking key parts of Larkside. 

Meanwhile, maverick construction firm Steve Ready Steady Go Karaoke & Disco Roadshow have already submitted blueprints outlining their proposal to re-open all the tunnels beneath Cornwall's tin mines and create a metro-like Tube Station providing easy access across the county.

Also rumoured to be showing a development interest is new pioneer Ian White, who, allegedly, is determined to build The Channel Tunnel Looe, a sequel to The Channel Tunnel, ironically to sail from Looe near Polperro to Roskoff in France.

However, throughout the ages, progress has always met with controversy and resistance, and some local firms are already expressing concern at the prospect of being "put out of business". This emotional letter appeared just this week in the Larkside Times.

Freeway halted by Larkside protests…
After a bitter campaign by local residents, the locally unpopular road-building empire Freeway has decided to suspend its operations in the Southwest, under pressure from Larkside Council.

For several years they have resisted complaints of excessive and disturbing noise in residential areas. Matters came to a head when Larkside Environmental Health Department was called about disposing of some orange shirts, which had been dumped in a garden in Pensilva.

“They were really f***ing disgusting, and could have caused an accident by blinding someone who was unfortunate enough to be driving in the opposite direction.” Said Councillor Arun Ernestdell.

“I have also been shocked by revelations about the way Freeway conducted themselves in their private lives.” He added. “They seem to spend as much time philandering as they do building roads.” apparently quite unaware of the impending ‘pig nose’ scandal.

“Our transport policy is clear. We say ‘no way to Freeway’ and  ‘mais oui’ to the Monorail”.