LINES FROM ACTUAL RESUMES as reported by Fortune magazine


I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat progroms

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Let's meet, so you can "ooh" and "aah" over my experience.

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, 
I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping." I have never quit a job.

Marital status: often. Children: various.

Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 
every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

Finished eighth in my class of ten.