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Assalaamu Alaikum.

The letter below was written to a sister in polygyny who was the second wife. She was having a very hard time with her husband and co-wife. She thought before she married that polygyny was a wonderful thing but now she is having doubts. She thinks maybe it might be beautiful with the right man. Alhamdulilah, a sister sent the response below to this troubled sister and it will touch your heart. It brought tears to other sisters' eyes. Please read it all. It works not only for married sisters but single sisters also. May Allah bless this sister for her loving words. Ameen.

Tahira

Beautiful Words of Wisdom for ANY Sister ANYWHERE

Bismillah Ar Rahmaan Ar Raheem

As Salaamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakhatuhu:

Dear ...,

Alhumdulillah, May Allah reward you for your willingness to practice
a part of the Sunnah that is sometimes difficult. May Allah assist
you in your ability to endure and remain patient.

As I don't read every post you may well have posted your situation
and have asked for advice, in that case I am belated and I apologize.
However, as your Muslim sister I feel the need to reach out (I have
virtual tea, a soft pillow, and chocolate cake for you) and offer you
support. Your words struck my heart, "I feel oppressed, stressed, and
depressed." If I can I would like to give you words of naseehah and
comfort.

1)As a Muslimah you should have the understanding that if Allah
intends good for you, you will be afflicted with hardship so that you
may return to Allah with little sin. The Prophet (S) said,

"Anyone for whom Allah intends good, He makes him to suffer from some
affliction." Sahih Al-Bukhari

And

"When Allah intends good for His slave, He punishes him in this
world..." At Tirmidhi

So affliction should not be viewed as some horrible thing that has no
good in it but trouble. From these hadith it is a good thing that a
believer is punished in this life. In polygyny a woman can use this
to guide her through difficult times while she continues to strive
with patience with whatever Allah is testing her with.

2) You must bear whatever Allah is testing you with, with patience.
This is so important to your mindset and your emotional stability.
Allah says,

"O you who believe! Endure and be more patient..."(3:200)

And

"And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger,
loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirun
(the patient)." (2:155)

And

"Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full,
without reckoning." (39:10)

And

"And verily, whosoever shows patience and forgives, that would truly
be from the things recommended by Allah." (42:43)

And

"Seek help in patience and As-Salat (the prayer). Truly, Allah is
with As-Sabirun (the patient)." (2:153)

SubhanAllah, Allah has clearly stated to the believers what will
happen in this life. That Allah will test us with a number of issues,
matters, and situations. As you are experiencing these afflictions
might affect our mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual. But Allah
also tells/recommends to us how to deal with these problems.

Lots and lots and lots and lots of endurance and patience. This means
no screaming, cursing, losing hope and trust in Allah, hating your
life, etc. Whoever is able to do this (and you are) then they will be
of the As-Sabirun and Allah will be with them. SubhanAllah, imagine
your station on Yaumul Qiyyamah if you are of the As-Sabirun and
Allah is with you. I needn't say more :-)). Ameen!

3) Do not forget Allah's mercy upon you. Allah says,

"And My Mercy embraces all things." (7:156)

Supplicate and complain to Allah during those times when du'a is most
accepted (between the adhan and the iqaamah, the last hour of yaumul
jumu'ah, when it is raining, in qiyamul-lay). Ask for Allah to bestow
his mercy upon you and trust that Allah is able to do all things and
nothing I mean absolutely nothing is beyond His power. Expect that
Allah will alleviate you of your affliction. The Prophet (S) said,

"None of you must die unless he has good expectations from Allah."
Sahih Muslim

Do not despair my sweet Sister in Islam. Allah knows every word,
thought, action, what will be, what won't be, what has been, and He
will not forsake the patient and leave them to bear the unbearable.

4) Whatever your test is (an unjust husband, bad co-wife, unsuitable
living conditions, etc.) you can bear it with dignity and patience.
Allah is fully aware of your capabilities and what you are able to
take. Allah says,

"But those who believed (in the Oneness of Allah - Islamic
Monotheism), and worked righteousness - We tax not any person beyond
his cope - such are the dweller of Paradise. They will abide
therein." (7:42)

Put you trust in this fact ya ukhti (my sister). Trust that Allah is
the All-Mighty and he knows what you are able to bear and that He is
not testing you beyond your ability to pass the test.

5)Lift that depressed heart and turn to Allah in ibaadah and good
deeds. Seek the means to Allah's Mercy by increasing your good
deeds. Don't forget the small kindnesses to your children, your
neighbors, your friends, and family. Seek to give in charity, feed a
poor person, offer your home for a halaqa, offer to teach someones
children Qur'an, etc. Seek to increase your Ibaadah (worship) of
Allah. Your Sunnah, your nawaafil, and most importantly the Ihsaan
(praying as if you see Allah) of your Fard. With the increase of good
deeds in your life you will feel the increase is Emaan. Oh
sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo important.

Here have another cup of tea. More cake?

6) Return whatever ill manners or behavior that come your way with
good manners and behavior. Hard to do but the reward is great. Allah
says,

"The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil)
with one which is better (i.e., Allah orders the faithful believers
to be patience at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat
them badly) then verily he, between whom and you there was enmity,
(will become) as though he was a close friend. Bunt not is granted it
(the above quality) except those who are patient - and none is
granted it except the owner of the great portion (of happiness in the
Hereafter, i.e., Paradise and of a high moral character) in this
world." (41:35-35)

Habibati, take those negative whispers of Shaytaan and remove them
instead strive towards patience, returning the evil with good, and
striving and seeking your reward with Allah. Keep Allah's promises
close to your heart. The As-Sabirun have much much reward that is
worth all the pain and affliction they go through.

7) From your post you indicated that part of the problem lies with
your husbands behavior. If this is the case then strive to deal with
him with patience, make du'a for his enlightenment, sweetly and
considerately advise him, write him a letter that is clam, very kind,
sweet and loving then at the end ask for one thing (more affection, a
set schedule, not talking about the other wife, etc.), keep in mind
the above ayat and hadith and know that with any oppression come
great reward from Allah if you bear it with patience. Remain
dignified, you are a Muslimah and it is not fitting for you to scream
or curse at your husband. You are a Muslimah and Allah has addressed
you in the Qur'an about how you are to deal with your tribulations.
You are a Muslimah and you are striving for Jennah Al-Fidaws not the
love of your husband or the friendship of your co-wife or anything
else having to do with the dunya. Keep focused on what you are on
earth to do, to worship Allah.

InshaAllah whatever you are going through turning to Allah and doing
the things that he says, commands, and recommends to do will help you
in this life and in the next. Make sure your behavior is correct and
according to Qur'an and Sunnah. When he makes you cry, know that
every tear is a blessing and do not try to hurt him back. When you
feel your heart about to break pull of the Book of Allah and tape it
back up. When you feel as if you can take no more remember that Allah
is not unaware and he is not taxing you beyond your ability so take a
deep breath make wudu two rakah and get back to being patient. It
will end soon, hey either you will die or he will :-) (forgive my
morbid humor). Increase your knowledge, keep good friends, push
yourself to higher levels within Islam, fight against your nafs
(desires), strive to do more and more and more good deeds, wake up
with Allah on your mind not your problems, stick to the Sunnah, read
the Qur'an every change you get there is great healing in it, oh and
did I forget to say seek refuge with Allah from shaytaan?
SubhanAllah, see theres the woman's mind. Habibati, seek refuge with
your Allah from the whispers of that evil one. He is in your life
right now very strong and is trying to bring you down. Play Qur'an
throughout your house. And if you watch TV, then doing all of this
will be that much harder. The jinn box is a severe hindrance to
attaing towards patience and emaan.

So ya ukhti, I hope for you from my heart as you are a mirror for me
that you will seek to lift yourself and strive towards Allah though
every means possilbe. Do not let another human be your downfall, do
not let them doubt the total and complete lordship of Allah. Keep
your expectations high of Allah and do not despair of His Mercy. Keep
His rememberance upon your tongue. You are a Muslimah and you are
able to do all of this. You are weak without Allah so turn to Him and
ask of Him. Seek Help in all matter big or small. You are a Muslimah
and you are striving to be Mu'min, As-Sabirun,and Al-Muqqarrabun.

May Allah aid you and assist you.

For the sake of Allah and your sister in Islam,