I think we can agree that the Vietnam War was a traumatic, wasteful mess. But I think we can also agree that it produced some very cool stuff: Apocalypse Now, Full Metal Jacket, and plenty of good video games. It's hard to go wrong with as subject material. So how is it that one of the first Vietnam-inspired games is a totally infuriating piece of shit?

The game is loosely based on Oliver Stone's Platoon, a film filled with dirty guerilla warfare, murder, torture, gang rape, and other fun stuff. In 1988, Hemdale Film and Sunsoft decided this all would make a super Nintendo game, and "Platoon" was born.

The objective of the game is... well, I'm not too clear on the objective of the game. The truth is that I've never made it past the first screen, let alone the first level. I'm not ashamed to admit that this game severely kicked my ass.

As you can see, the interface is fairly simple. In fact, I don't think "Morale" does anything (and it's always low anyway), and there's nowhere to pick up ammo, so the only one to watch is the "Hits" counter, denoted by gory bullet holes.

You play as Anonymous G.I., as shown to your right. I guess it's probably the main character of the movie, Private Chris Taylor. He was played by Charlie Sheen, but that doesn't help much when the character's face is made up of about eight pixels. Besides, I was distracted by the khaki uniform. He's dressed for the wrong war.

Whoever he is, your character isn't much of a go-getter. He can walk along leisurely; he can take a half-hearted jump; and he can crouch. His rifle shoots bullets about the size and color of his fist.

And this is your opponent. Examine him carefully, because this is the closest look you'll get all game. Compared to you, he's a god. He runs faster; his handgun is as powerful as your rifle; and he has some weird Viet Cong Spidey-Sense that lets him pop out in front of you wherever you might be. Not only that, but he can also leap out of trees and climb out of underground burrows. Summary: you're in big trouble. I mean, look at this:

This shows another terrific feature of the game. The VC spawn directly above or below your head. Private No-Name will be strolling along, and all of a sudden a Commie will take a flying leap from one of those droopy jungle trees and land right on him. There's not even the rustling of the leaves to give him away. Unless you have a reaction time of about negative two seconds, you're screwed.

And there's no way to speed up your character. He can be completely surrounded and he'll still stroll along like he's at the carnival. You can plead, you can threaten, you can beat the keyboard with both fists... but he'll keep moseying until he gets bayoneted right through his lazy gut. Pathetic. Consequently, for most of the game your character will be lying dead on his soft capitalist back.

The VC guys have perfect accuracy, too. Even if you shoot them and get a direct hit, they'll shoot at the same instant. They die, but the bullet continues on its merry way and you end up dead as well. The solution, then, is to run away, right? Not so fast, soldier:

The entire jungle is booby-trapped. One wrong step and you land on a trip wire, which will blow Private Failure to smithereens, as shown in the above image. In theory, you can jump over them, but that signals Charlie to jump out of the trees, guns blazing. Basically, the trip wire means that you will die at least three times in a row. Considering that four hits end the game, your odds are not good.

Even if you understand the central fact that you cannot win, this game will make you angry. Furiously, keyboard-snappingly angry. No matter how many times you get owned by some VC thug jumping out of the tree, you'll think there's some way to escape. Eventually, I figured I would be safe just standing in place and shooting constantly, but one of them ran up from behind and bayoneted me like a cocktail frank on a toothpick.

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws