Dick Clark has known over forty years of success. He's segued from smug host of American Bandstand to smug host of The $25,000 Pyramid to smug host of New Year's Eve celebrations.
But even the brightest stars must fail once in a while. We've retrieved this clumsy misstep from a December 31, 1963 issue of Look magazine. No one can accuse Dick of not knowing teens; he hosted/produced Bandstand from 1957 until 1989. But playing their music is one thing, and giving them advice is quite another, as you can see.
First, there's the extremely strange treatment of sex. It's everywhere: floating in big bold capitals next to his head, lurking in the paragraphs... It's not so much the quantity, though, as the attitude. He seems to be suggesting that it's something completely new. The ad makes it sound like a passing novelty, like hula-hoops or swallowing goldfish. "Have you heard about this 'sex' thing? I hear the teen-age set is really into it."
Then there's the gratuitous use of teenage slang. Come on, Dick. You of all people should've known that adults using "teen-ager" slang is the most uncool thing humanly possible. Parents reading this probably went and asked their children whether they were "in the groove," or even worse, called them "swingin' chicks." It's hard to tell who would be more embarrassed in that situation.
The talk of "groovy guys" and that ridiculous line about "how High the School" seem awkward and forced, even keeping in mind that the phrases were current at the time. Just to update it a little, imagine, say, Ryan Seacrest writing the same book: "Dear Parents: Do you know what your teenager thinks is for rizzle? It's not just SEX that they're texting about with their homies."
I feel dirty just typing that.
I can't stand the #@$*ing hyphens, either. Why the obsession with hyphenating every compound word? The teen-ager had break-fast, and he's going to play some basket-ball this after-noon. Rid-iculous.
The chapter titles aren't featured in the ad, but curiosity spurred me to search for the book online. They confirmed my worst expectations. One who purchased this book could read "The Road To Coolsville," or "Don't Be A Dip With Your Dreamboat," and "Square Situations." Even back then, I can't see anyone reading those without rolling their eyes.
And the moral of the story? People who complain about corporate absorption of teen culture ("extreme" marketing, the co-opting of the DIY ethic, etc.) should be grateful they weren't around forty years ago. Any Mountain Dew or Toyota Scion ad is tame compared to the way teens were exploited in the Sixties. Imagine Carson Daly talking about "The Road To Coolsville" and be grateful for the improvement.
