-- Washington Irving
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and engineering performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most engineers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that beer! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Be all that you can be.
--Max McGee, tight end, Green Bay Packers in 1960's
I drink a different beer every day of the week
Some think I am a crazy freak
Friday after work I have a Labatt Blue
If I feel like a real hoser, I'll have a Molson Canadian too
Saturday I drink a Rocky Mountain Coors
That's when I party with all the beautiful whores
Sunday it's time for an ice cold Miller
That is when I stay home and watch something funny like Ben Stiller
Monday I start at the local bar with a Stroh's
Much like Homer drinking a Duff down at Moe's
Tuesday after gym I have a Budweiser
It's smooth after using the exerciser
Wednesday it's Foster's, they call it Australian for beer
If I don't have one you'll hear me jeer
It's Thursday now, out of money, send a mayday
I'll have to wait till tomorrow when it's payday
Due to my drinking blitz
until them I am stuck drinking Schlitz
Top 3 in 2002:
1. Anheuser-Bush, Inc.
2. Miller Brewing Co.
3. Adolph Coors Co.
Milwaukee Taverns:
1982: 1,578
2002: 1,027
Beer Prices at the ballgame:
1982
$1.25 (12 oz.)
$1.40 (12 oz. can)
$1.60 (16 oz. can)
2002
$4.25 (16 oz. draft)
N/A
$5 (16 oz bottle)
-- Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry
Some people see the glass half-empty. some people see the glass half full. I say it's beer man, just drink it!
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-Kaiser Welhelm
Doth it not show viley in me to desire small beer?
-- Shakespeare
There's nothing like a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning!
-Homer Simpson
"Cold War bad. Cold BEER good"
"Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!" (chugs beer)
--Homer Simpson
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
-- Homer Simpson
Officer, there's no blood in my alcohol system!
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Stephen Wright
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
-- Dave Barry
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
"He was a wise man who invented beer."
-- Plato
Officer, I swear to drunk I'm not God!
