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Impressions
This is fun to watch just because it’s so primitive compared to later episodes. The ‘Bots look funny. The intro segment is mostly just text on the screen with the words to the song. The door sequence is older and different than the later ones. Joel has hippy hair, and apparently no one bothered to edit his obvious name errors. Tom sounds like Marvin the Martian. The riffs are very sparse. Sometimes several minutes pass between riffs and then the riff will be flat with another three-minute gap. I’d recommend fast forwarding to the host segments just to satisfy your curiosity. If you want to watch this movie, I’d recommend watching Episode 304. In fact, this is the worst movie panned by the crew yet! Disclaimer.
Synopsis
We’re shown a recap of Gamera, which ends with Gamera being sent to Mars in a space capsule to be stored for a sequel, which brings us to this movie. Unfortunately for the movie-going public, the space capsule was struck by a “meteor” even though there is no atmosphere in space. Gamera immediately returns to Japan to destroy a large dam just because he’s an incurable vandal. Then he goes to live by a volcano near the equator.
Some Japanese criminals collaborate to go find a huge opal one of them saw 20 years ago on an island in the Pacific. They defy the natives’ wishes and take the opal. One dies of scorpion bite and one of the remaining two tries to kill the other by collapsing the cave where they found the opal. Somehow the guy who was buried in the cave is rescued and held by the natives. The natives want him to go try to retrieve the opal, which they consider sacred.
The final thug got away with the opal. He leaves it under an infrared light accidentally and it hatches a little amphibian of some sort.
In another movie, Barugon attacks Japan. He’s a four-legged reptile with a rhino horn, a frog tongue, googly eyes, and stegosaurus spikes. His tongue also has a built-in freezing fire extinguisher feature that comes in handy when the military is bugging him. And if he somehow detects that the Japanese want to interrupt his nap with long-range missiles, he can make a rainbow of death with his tongue that destroys them. The downside to this is that rainbows attract Gameras.
The surviving criminal comes home to Tokyo and confronts the guy who brought the “opal” home. He tells him it’s a monster’s egg. They fight for a few hours and I forget what happened.
The cute girl from the island persuades the Japanese government to use a huge diamond to bait Barugon but it doesn’t work. They figure out that the monster is a freak because it was exposed to radiation when it was developing in the egg. They decide exposing the diamond to infrared rays will work. It doesn’t. Then they stick the diamond in a death ray in place of the ruby.
The worst of the thugs steals the huge irradiated diamond and a boat and runs away. But he gets eaten by Barugon. The diamond idea is gone.
They discover that rearview mirrors survive his attacks. That gives them an idea. They make a giant rearview mirror and reflect the rainbow death ray back onto Barugon. That seems to work, but Barugon regains consciousness.
Gamera to the rescue! He wins. The end.
Host Segments
Prologue: Joel calls Gamera “Gameron” and refers to the show “Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles” (sic). He plays a call from a happy fan. No ‘Bots on the bridge.
Segment two: Joel and the ‘Bots play another call-in message supporting the show. Oops. He didn’t like the rude junior high interruptions. The ‘Bots are offended and slam the caller. Another caller wants “more, more, more!”
Segment three: Joel is putting chapstick on the ‘Bots. He plays another phone call about the show. The caller said, “I think you should have less movie and more chapstick on your show.” Gypsy cries because they’re using all the chapstick they can already!
Segment four: Crow talks about how chapstick compares to other lubricants. He finds that many of the body’s orifices. His favorites are: the nose, the ear . . . the ear produces a lubricant that . . . don’t put anything in the ear larger than a pirate.
Final: Tom and Crow are making crank calls.
There are no mads!
Not-so-Funny Riffs
Tom: He looks like a giant turkey pot pie.
Two of the criminals are cleaning the floor on a boat.
Criminal: We have to clean that bathroom. This is no joke.
Joel: That big guy was just in there.
A helicopter lands right in the middle of a big hula dance.
Crow: Hey! It’s Bob Hope!
Tom: Attention all personnel! Incoming . . . Oh, sorry, that’s M*A*S*H.
Girl: Our friend, the doctor, came with his wife to study certain diseases. Then his wife died of the very disease he was curing.
Crow: Bummer.
Barugon approaches a tall, round building.
Crow: Uh oh. He thinks it’s a fire hydrant.
Crow: A freak monster. Isn’t that a contradiction in terms?
After Barugon eats the thug with the diamond.
Crow: I know, they could make a giant bran muffin and make the lizard eat it.
They discover mirrors can reflect Barugon’s power.
Japanese layman: I’m an amateur, but I have an idea.
Tom: He’ll see himself and see how ugly he is and kill himself.
Japanese scientist: Operation Rearview Mirror is at an end.
Tom: Now do Operation Fuzzy Dice!
Joel: Operation Air Freshener.
During the fight between the rubber-suited monsters.
Joel: I just wanna be around when they mark their territory.