908 – The Touch of Satan
éééé
Things I liked in the movie:
Trading your soul to the devil for sex.
Learning where the fish lives.
Well-timed (by which I mean the impressive duration) pauses.
Impressions
This is a preachy Hallmark movie about how witches suffer persecution. Oh yeah, also, it’s about how they deserve it and not just because they’re super-boring and pause a lot. It’s because they kill people with pitchforks and then cover it up.
Synopsis
A walnut-ranching family is harboring a murderous old hag who mumbles incoherently. She has just murdered someone and the family is uncomfortable. A dopey-looking guy with too much eye makeup, Jodie, trespasses on their property to have a picnic. The family’s cute daughter, Melissa, discovers him, refuses his sandwich and falls in love with him. The lovers try to enjoy each other’s company, but her creepy family is always present with their constant pausing and meaningful glancing.
Melissa gets Jodie to stay for a while against the wishes of her very tense parents. During his stay, the half-mummified old woman kills a policeman and Jodie witnesses it. Now something must be done with Jodie, lest he tell the authorities. Jodie isn’t sure what’s going on, so Melissa transmits a flashback to Jodie in his sleep explaining why the family is so weird and uptight. Naturally, Jodie assumes this is just a dream. During the dream/flashback, we learn that the reason the old woman is ugly is because she was wrongfully burned as a witch by an angry mob 100 years ago and Melissa has the devil living inside her, which gives her supernatural powers. Thanks to the supernatural powers, she and her disfigured sister have lived well over 100 years.
Melissa then tries to anti-proselytize Jodie. She wants him to free her from Satan but in order to get him to do that, she has to convince him this story is true. Her efforts are interrupted when the old-lady-sister attacks Jodie. In retaliation for this interruption, Melissa burns the sister up in the barn.
The family lets Jodie leave since their secret is gone. Jodie tries to leave, but he is in love with Melissa, so he stays and they make love, which frees her from the devil. Upon being freed, she looks her true age of 127, which Jodie finds unappealing. Also, she seems to be dying. Satan appears and offers to let Melissa live in exchange for Jodie’s soul. Jodie accepts this deal over Melissa’s protests. Melissa looks young again. They pause their final pause. We are left to ponder the beauty of their love.
Host Segments
Prologue: Tom and Crow are wassailing in July. They aren’t sure what wassailing is. Mike doesn’t have any wassail, so he’s forced to give them his debit card and PIN (that’s the rules!). In a desperate move, offers them canned wassail and gets his debit card back. On the ground, Bobo and Brain Guy have a babysitter. Mike enjoys the great taste of wassail – in cans!
Second: Mike is soaked with sweat like the dad in the movie. He just started a walnut ranch. It’s apparently very hard work.
Third: Mike has built a rock chimney over Crow for the purpose of burning him in it. Mike challenges Crow’s belief that he’s a witch.
Fourth: A Tom Servo grandma witch tries to kill Mike with a pitchfork. Tom says he has two grandmas and he can tell them apart by which one kills people.
Final: Crow accidentally sold his soul to Stan. He was trying to sell it to Satan, but overlooked the spelling. Stan already re-sold his soul to Citicorp in a big block of souls. Now he’ll never get it back. On the ground, the super-strict baby-sitter is reading Green Eggs and Ham to Brain Guy, who is upset by the persistence of the Sam I Am character. Bobo, who is trapped in a dog kennel, says he likes the book. The babysitter beats him with a paper and says, “No bark!”
Stinger: Melissa looks at the pond and says, “This is where the fish lives.”
Funny Riffs
A 127-year-old woman smashes clumsily through the screen door.
Tom: Grandma Kramer!
Tom: The Touch of Satan softens your hands while you do the dishes.
Jodie looks like David Spade
Mike: David Spade is Satan.
Crow: It’s good casting.
Jodie drives his Maverick slowly down the highway. As cars pass:
Tom Servo: Sight-see on your own time, Beelzebub!
Crow: Get off the road, Mangoat!
Jodie says, “I’ve never been on a walnut ranch.” This triggers a movie-long theme of “walnut ranch” jokes including:
Tom Servo: How many head of walnut do you have?
Tom Servo: Those walnuts are tearing through the hay!
Mike: Watch out! Walnut stampede!
Dad: You didn’t . . . call . . . him did you?
Mike: Or . . . mail . . . anything?
Melissa looks at a pond.
Melissa: This is where the fish lives.
(This isn’t a riff, just a funny line that gets mocked for the rest of the movie and becomes the stinger)
Jodie: Why did you run?
Melissa: Felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn’t so I ran.
Mike as Jodie: You’re kind of an idiot, aren’t you?
The parents are watching TV. There’s some yelling.
Crow: I sure love The Yelling Channel.
Mike: She’s gonna go buy a whole bunch of Proctor and Gamble products.
Jodie and Melissa are sitting quietly. She looks out the window.
Jodie: What’s the matter?
Mike as Melissa: I can’t take the pace any more.
Melissa: I’m possessed by the devil.
Jodie: There is no such thing!
Crow: I learned that in community college.
During a flashback, the father is reading the Bible with long pauses.
Crow: So this family has been pausing for centuries. It’s a tradition.
After the older sister is burned by the mob.
Tom as burned girl: You know what? Those villagers really burn me up! Ha ha! That’s good. I can laugh. Ow.
Tom: Maybe this was once fast-paced and someone spilled a Grape Nehi on it and it got all gummy.
Jodie: Melissa, if all this were true, that would make you 127 years old.
Melissa: Yes.
Mike: Man, she’s getting into Strom Thurmond country.
Crow: Is this still the same pause, or is it technically a sub-pause?
Melissa: He cheated me. He never told me.
Mike: Man, if you can’t trust the devil . . .
The credits roll back a few names due to bad editing.
Crow: Aaahh! The devil!
Mike: Better get out of here!