706 – Laserblast
ééééé
Things I liked in the movie:
The comically inept
claymation aliens.
The
movie’s hatred of Star Wars.
Dramatic
Coke drinking.
Impressions
I think this is a very funny episode. As far as the cast knows, it’s the last
episode of the show because Comedy Central is dropping them. The host segments are mostly metaphors about
the end of the show. For some reason
the small town loser theme strikes me funny.
The riffing is great and the host segments are interesting and
amusing. I remember seeing this movie
when I was a kid and I didn’t realize it was this bad.
Synopsis
A pathetic loser is left home alone at age 30. His bone-thin mother is going to Acapulco
again! He tries to see his girlfriend,
but her grandfather thwarts him by pushing down a moped. To entertain himself, he drives his van
around shirtlessly for a while, gets a ticket, dramatically drinks a Coke, and
finds a laser. After he finds the
laser, he goes to a party at which his girlfriend makes out with a bully. He beats up the bully’s sidekick, Bill Gates,
and runs away. So far—a captivating
plot. Then it takes a strange turn.
Our hero starts lasering stuff. He blows up the bully’s car (understandable) and then his
doctor’s car, which turns into a sedan and blows up (somewhat less
understandable). The laser is powered
by an amulet that burns his chest, turns him green, and makes him
incoherent. This works sort of like
Jekyll and Hyde. He doesn’t know he’s
the killer when he comes out of his laserblasting trance. When the goofy pothead cops buy a Coke, he
gets angry and blows them up. He blows
up everything that ever bothered him. A
pinball machine, an airplane with bounty hunters, a sign advertising Star
Wars, a mailbox, a newsstand, even the driver of the van he’s riding
in! (Side note, I saw Laserblast at a
drive-in theater as part of a double feature with Star Wars. Not interesting, really, but a fact
nonetheless.)
The aliens are cute claymation turtles who have lost their
shells. They come back and shoot him to
death with a rainbow. These creatures
are very cute and funny. They are a lot
like E.T., except for the murder part.
Prologue: The bots
bind and gag Mike and make jokes using “Beyond Thunderdome.” In Deep 13, Dr. F and Pearl cut the
umbilicus which will result in the SOL falling to Earth. Mike and the bots panic. The Mads are packing to move as a metaphor
for the show ending. Dr. F is moving
back in with Pearl because his funding was cut. Gypsy somehow gains impulse control and they think they are going
to fly down to Earth.
Segment 2: A
visiting “Monad” satellite comes on to the SOL to destroy imperfections. They taunt it and toss it out into space.
Segment 3: The SOL
runs into a space baby field. It stinks,
so they do a space walk and change one of the babies’ diapers. It’s set all serious like Apollo 11.
Segment 4: The ‘bots
are panicking as they head into a black hole, a metaphor for the end of the
show. Gypsy says Mike can help them
because he’s kind of smart and his arms work and everything. Mike is dressed as the Star Trek Voyager
Captain Kathryn Janeway (Kate Mulgrew), and looks remarkably like her. He does some scientifical stuff and they
make it through the black hole. He says
“I’m responsible for the 148 crew members aboard this ship, 144 of which we
never see.”
Not really a host segment, but sort of: Long discussion during the credits about how
Leonard Maltin gave Laserblast the
same rating or better than lots of good movies. Some movies with the same rating as Laserblast: Unforgiven, Sophie’s Choice, Charlie and the
Chocolate Factory, Hannah and Her Sisters.
Segment 5: Mike and
the ‘bots are at the edge of the universe.
There’s only a little left to go.
Crow and Tom become pure somethings--colored light dots that move around
the screen. Mike, Gypsy, Magic Voice
and Cambot all do the same. Their pure
forms exit the ship and go to the end of the Universe. Dr. F is eating dinner alone in his
robe. Something is breathing its last
breath, the show maybe? Dr. F has a
surreal dream in which the worst movie ever made is a giant videocassette
(labeled “The Worst Movie Ever Made”) and he and the bots are old and almost
dead (it looks like A Christmas Carol when Bob Marley comes to visit
Scrooge). Then he’s suddenly a baby and
Pearl comes in, grabs him and says, “Another chance to do it right!” This may be a reference to Mystery Science Theater: The Movie.
During the credits, Laserblast shows on the screen.
Tom: That’s a
terrible name for laser eye surgery.
Scares off the customers.
The credits go on very long.
Servo: There’s no
point in telling me all this, I’m no good with names.
The movie starts with a long desert still.
Servo: Action! Cut!
Mike: Wow, if there
was ignorant talk radio in the seventies, I sure would agree with it.
The lead character dramatically drinks a Coke
Tom: I’m gonna drink
the hell out of this Coke.
After about 30 minutes of no plot.
Servo: Well, let’s
recap the movie so far. Someone went to
Acapulco and someone almost bought gas.
He jumps around with the laser pretending to shoot it.
Mike: So it’s a
thing that makes you waltz.
Mike: So we’re
watching someone waiting for someone?
Girl: Why can’t you
be more ordinary?
Mike in shock:
What? More ordinary?
The aliens in the local area are scolded for leaving the
laser on Earth. This is demonstrated by
the headquarters alien showing part of the movie to them.
Mike: When the movie
starts showing part of itself, you know you’re in trouble.
Dr. Roddy McDowell tells the medical assistant to clean up
the exam room.
Mike: I was getting
into my ape role and threw some crap around.
Crow: This movie
boldly states what it’s gonna do . . . and does it!
Man on phone: Would
you look up a couple numbers for me?
Mike as man: Two and
nine.
Sheriff: I think
we’re dealing with a mad bomber here.
Mike: I’m not mad,
I’m disappointed.
Mike: Thrill! As the
police . . . forget something.
Deputy: I ain’t
never seen anything like ‘at.
Mike: And I been to
the county seat and everything.
Billy and girlfriend are resting after the act.
Mike as girl: Is
that it? Good try.
Mike: He’s being
out-acted by a drain pipe.
After seeing a car with a pro-South sign on it.
Mike: What exactly
is The South going to do again?
Servo: You know, various activities they do.
Crow: Could Leonard
Maltin be wrong and this isn’t worth two and a half stars?
Some bounty hunters are shooting from the airplane.
Crow: That’s
probably someone who did something.
Let’s shoot him!
Tom: JD Power and
Associates ranked these guys most loathsome in their class.
Tom: Is this one of
those movies based on a Jane Austin novel?