703 – Deathstalker and
the Warriors From Hell
(original movie entitled Deathstalker III: The Warriors from Hell)
éééé
Things I liked in the movie:
Deathstalker’s nice personality.
The bat uniforms.
Potato girl.
Impressions
A pretty good episode in the Cave Dwellers/Conan genre. It’s got a contrived and complicated plot that is carried like a dead horse through miles of miscellaneous adventures. At the end it all comes together like the drawstring of a garbage bag. The lead actor is so inappropriate for the lead role that you just roll your eyes at every line.
Synopsis
An eighties pretty boy awkwardly named Deathstalker, goes to a renaissance festival and dominates the stick fighting game. A bad guy and his small army attack the renaissance festival. In all the excitement, Deathstalker and a cute girl with a piece of quartz end up together. They run away.
The bad guys pursue them, fatally injuring the girl during a fight. She passes along her very unclear mission and a piece of quartz to Deathstalker during an ambivalent death scene.
We’re shown Troxartis, a bad wizard who has the other half of the quartz. He tells his indifferent wife about how he’ll be powerful and immortal if he can get the other half.
While still on the run, Deathstalker meets a horse girl who really likes eating potatoes and who can shoot a crossbow.
Troxartis resurrects some dead soldiers who capture Deathstalker and take the quartz half from him. Troxartis is all happy until it is revealed . . . big spoiler here . . . there’s yet a third piece of quartz.
There’s a bunch of running around, sword-fighting, confusing groups of people fighting each other. Finally Troxartis stabs the horse-potato-girl and Deathstalker stabs Troxartis. Deathstalker gets the third piece of quartz and puts the three pieces together which causes a pretty decent bottle rocket to go off, but that’s pretty much it. He rides off to cheers and celebration, but he’s sad about the loss of the horse-potato-girl.
Host Segments
Prologue: Crow has hair. They can’t figure out what he did. Lose weight? He’s enjoying a new active lifestyle with his new hair. He is wearing a toupe. Also calf implants and a “new hinder.” On the ground, Pearl is in pain in a hospital bed. She yells Clayton a million times. Dr. F. is going crazy. The Bots are offering to “supersize” the experiment for only a dollar more. They’re wearing giant hats. Dr. F calls Pearl (on the phone) who is about 3 feet away. Dr. F is about to crack. He yells at the Bots because he can’t decide about the supersizing. They call the manager Mike. Dr. F. announces Deathstalker. Dr. F. beats himself up.
Crow is dressed like a jester and charges Mike $25 to come into his renaissance festival. Mike is throwing money at them for their crappy stunts and saying, “This is more fun than I expected!” He runs out of money and they tell him “Get thee to the cash machine!”
Mike comes back trying to have more ren-fest. The bots are done. They see they can bilk Mike for more cash. So they resume demanding money. They insult him and spank him. Mike seems to enjoy all this and is willing to keep forking over money, but the bots are bored. The only thing left they can think of to do is pet the dead camel.
Pearl is still yelling “Clayton! Clayton!” This may be a play on the “Cabot Cabot Cabot” thing in Outlaw of Gor) Dr. F goes off to buy Pearl some candy. She asks Crow to read her a gothic romance. She calls him “Art.” She makes him read some dirty part and Crow is bored, so he skips a bunch. He seems a little uncomfortable reading it. Dr. F. comes back. Pearl (delirious from the flu) says, “There was a small golden man reading to me from a dirty book.”
Final: Letter from a ten-year-old girl. Tom is forging something. Brought in a ring of power “One ring to rule them all . . . .” It doesn’t do anything. Tom takes it back to forge some more. A Sauron-voice is heard. Mike tries the ring on again. He feels like it is bringing them all and in the darkness binding us. Back in Deep 13, Pearl is still yelling “Clayton” repeatedly. Dr. F drinks her milk and dies.
Some funny riffs:
Credits: New Classics presents
Tom: They just declare something a classic, huh?
It’s a renaissance festival looking scene. The accents are sort of English
Mike: I wonder how long these accents will last
The girl is awkwardly trying to emote
Tom: T minus 4 seconds to an emotion
Deathstalker: Why is it I keep getting mixed up with princesses?
Crow: Oh no! This is the sequel to something!
After a bunch of crap about trying to force the princess to take a blanket (i.e., sleep with him) the Deathstalker confidently waits for her in his tent.
Deathstalker: Blanket my little one?
The girl does show up, but she’s stabbed by a bad guy. The film jumps around.
Mike: Watch out for the editing!
Deathstalker rolls over onto the girl ostensibly to see if she’s ok.
Tom: Soooo, that blanket?
Another bad guy shows up. Deathstalker whacks him with his fake sword.
Crow: There’s really a run on blankets today.
A kid shows up.
Mike (as the kid): Please suh, can I ‘ave a blanket?
There are various wizardly looking things in an unexplained room. A magic viewing device shows Deathstalker.
Mike: 57 oracles and nothing on.
The evil bat themed guys are riding single file
Mike: What are we? Bats! What do we want? Insects. When to we want them? Now!
Mike: Squeak like you’ve never squeaked before!
Tom: The director’s vision – confusion wracked with ambiguity!
Deathstalker is fleeing bad guys. He’s on a horse and they’re about two seconds behind. He stands on his horse, grabs a branch and pulls himself up onto it. He’s now about 3 feet higher than the heads of the bad guys as they ride under.
Mike: This accomplishes absolutely nothing.
Tom as bad guys as each one rides under him: Hi, Deathstalker! How you doing up there. Morning! Watch your head Deathstalker. Morning.
Crow: Last guy in line, you wanna just stab Deathstalker up there?
Troxartis orders his mummified warriors to rise.
Troxartis: Rise!
Incredibly, only the crotchical region of the mummy moves.
Tom: Whoa! Not that kind of rise!
Crow: Is it ok if we just wiggle?
Horse woman: Drop your sword!
Mike: Like you have your accent.
It’s bedtime in the horsewomen’s shanty.
Mother: You sleep in the barn.
Tom: This isn’t the barn?
The bat-helmeted bad guy is riding through the forest:
Crow: Excuse me, Mr. Moose Warrior?
Mike (as warrior): I’m a BAT! Squeak squeak.
An old guy is trying to rape the princess. Troxartis shows up in drag.
Tom as the lookout: Ix-nay on the olestation-may!
Troxartis has the two would-be rapists shot. The princess introduces herself.
Troxartis: So, I’ve found my lost bride, at last
Mike as future bride: Oh! You’re a guy!?
They show Deathstalker peeking through some bushes.
Mike: Stalking death as usual.
Mike: This movie’s like playing Doom when there’s no monsters or opponents.
Tom: It’s a simple matter of what the hell is going on!
Troxartis is looking at the stone
Mike: Answer unclear, ask again later!
Deathstalker is sucking it in.
Mike: He’s Hasselhoffing it big time!
Troxartis’ wife is talking to Deathstalker: I knew a man like you once.
He was wonderfully handsome, and strong and brave
Crow as wife: Wait, he wasn’t like you at all.
Wizard: That’s no life for a man my age!
Tom: I should be playing Canasta with Saruman.
Wizard: The goats should be happy even if I don’t visit them.
Mike: He’s a wandering goat-visitor?
Soldiers are sitting around the fire when Deathstalker shows up.
Soldier: Who are you?
Deathstalker: Smelled your food.
Mike as Soldier: That was the last guy’s name!
Mike: It’s a smug-off!
Girl: Please don’t be dead!
Crow: It takes more muscles to be dead than alive!
During a sword fight
Crow: The chilling sound of cardboard against cardboard!
Deathstalker appears improbably again in the window in the nick of time.
Mike as Troxartis: Clever bastard. So the editor’s working with you!
The camera examines a pink stone glowing on the floor.
Tom: It’s something we should explain at some point!
Tom: He’s overwhelmed with feelings of ambiguity.
During the ending credits:
Mike: Music by a total spaz!
Mike: There really wasn’t any death stalking to speak of.
Credits: Shot entirely in Mexico
Crow: I’d like to shoot everyone in this film entirely in Mexico
Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell IMDB Page