621 - The
Beast Of Yucca Flats With Shorts:
Money Talks! And Progress Island, U.S.A.
éééé
Things I liked in the movie:
Tor Johnson raging at the heavens.
People shooting people from aircraft.
Impressions
Wow, is this a bad movie. Bad bad bad. It’s another Coleman Francis movie where the people just shuffle around in a funk. Eventually, the viewer begins to lose hope, too. I have to say if you watch this one, stick it out for the part where Tor vents his rage. I knew it would be the stinger as soon as it happened. Wow, that’s goofy filmmaking! Oj!
Synopsis
Short 1 – Money Talks!
A teenager learns the value of money. Ben Franklin teaches him how to manage money.
Short 2 – Progress Island
There is an island where this is industry and building. Puerto Rico! It’s a sales pitch intended to attract visitors.
Movie
A Russian scientist played by Tor Johnson comes to Yucca Flats. A nuclear bomb goes off near by. Tor starts killing people. Two kids wander off and their parents “search” half-heartedly. Some guy shoots dad from an airplane. Dad gets away. The cops see Tor and kill him. The narrator somehow ties this to progress.
Host Segments
Mike and the bots sloppily wallpapered the SOL. The Mads declared them part of the counter-culture. They’re promoting a campaign -- Proposition Deep 13. The Bots’ response is to recommend Mike. Mike campaigns on the simple message. They have prevailed over earlier bad movies. Dr. F. tells them that Beast of Yucca Flats is from Coleman Francis! They seem to lose strength after hearing that. The Bots are crying.
After the shorts. Mike and the bots are relaxing and playing chess. A bunch of white trash slobs are drinking and making a racket in a travel trailer that is drifting by. Crow joins the party and dons a beer hat.
Crow and Mike are in the SOL. Crow wants to know if it’s lunch time – 11:30. He asks repeatedly. Mike keeps telling him no. They argue over the 11:30-ness of the moment. Fnally, it’s 11:30. Crow grabs a sandwich. (A show of boredom?)
Crow is wearing a tux. He supports FAPS, the film anti-preservation society to help speed the breakdown of Coleman Francis films and other bad films, including Stallone films. Mike shows up and tells him to stop. Crow tells us to call 1-800-let-rot.
Final: The bots are having a victory celebration simulating a political election victory. They read some letters. Mike comes. He’s apparently the winning candidate. The mads give a loser speech.
Stinger: Tor venting his rage.
Riffs
Short 1
Mike: I bet high school students flocked to this movie in droves!
Benjamin Franklin visits the teenage lead character
Crow: Just reach for the gun.
He spends his money too fast.
Ben Franklin: You’re not poor because you’re a poor earner. It’s because you’re a bad spender
Tom: And a bad person.
Franklin: Bob went down to the bank.
Crow: And robbed it!
Bill: I should estimate my income!
Franklin: In your case, by the week.
Tom: It shouldn’t take long to estimate 50 cents!
Mike (as dad): This is my weekly feigning of interest in you, son.
Short 2
Movie: It is just as American in its way of life
Crow: So you might as well stay where you are.
Movie: Shows a Burger King
Tom: Indigenous cuisine!
Tom: Yes, even the air supports aircraft just as in the not better United States
Mike: Yes, no matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid.
Movie: Recreational facilities await the visitor, old and young.
Crow: Like swingsets!
Tom: Spinal injuries are popular on the island as well.
Movie: The mild tropical climate encourages many forms of agriculture
Tom: Here are some
moo cows!
Movie: Shows a turntable being manufactured
Mike: These will never go out of style!
Movie
The killer strangles a girl. A clock stops ticking.
Crow: Oh, it was her who was ticking!
Credits roll over a sad looking house. A man comes out the front door.
Mike: Get off my
property you credits!
Crow: It is more suspenseful when you don’t know what’s going on.
Mike: I was a dark and boring night.
Tom: There was no such thing as clinical depression until this film was made.
Tor Johnson’s makeup is pretty tacky.
Mike: Tor went bobbing for rubber cement again.
Crow: Well here’s your problem, you’re dead!
A car approaches with headlights on. It appears to be daylight.
Tom: How do you decide when to turn on your lights in a Coleman Francis movie?
The sheriff approaches the parked car and draws his gun.
Crow: OK, car . . . draw!
Tom: Watch out for snakes!
A cop approaches a house.
Mike: Maybe these people have some crullers.
Tor carries a corpse toward a cave.
Mike: Tor carry over threshold. Dah dah dah. Dah dah dah. (Sort of a wedding theme)
Tom: So . . . anyway . . . you can see how this all adds up to movie.
Tor Johnson takes about 10 seconds to stand up.
Tom: Tor snaps into action!
Movie: Joseph Jaworski
Tom: Rooti Patooti!
Two cops climb a cliff
Mike: Yeah, I think I left a bag of crullers up here last year.
Crow: This is a really tough par 5.
The cops carry the girl down a steep hill.
Crow: This is the single hardest item on the scavenger hunt.
Narrator: Some people travel east, west, north or south.
Tom: Some people burrow straight down, I guess.
Narrator: To reach the top, a man needs an airplane.
Mike: Or a big pogo stick.
A car is shown.
Mike: The beast put a hundred down, and bought an old Studebaker.
A man is changing a tire.
Tom: That must be the Yucca flat! (giggles)
Crow: Unstoppable parking action!
Tom: Marvel as they get out of the car!
Tom: This movie stops at nothing! And stays there!
After a guy shoots a random person running through the desert.
Tom: He was probably guilty of something.
Narrator: Man’s inhumanity to man.
Tom: Or beast’s inhubeastity to beast.
Mike: Well, we’re in Wisconsin now. Or maybe it’s Cuba. Or Nevada. (Alluding to the similar scenery in all Coleman Francis films.)
Crow: After a brief moment of almost action, we’re back to our normal pace.
Tor: Ahhh! Baaahhh! Ahhh!
Tom: They never should have let Tor improv.
Tor is choking Jim.
Mike: Tor is a field chiropractor.
Tor looks like curly.
Riff: Woo woo woo … ooo.
Beast of Yucca Flats IMDB Page