613 – The Sinister
Urge with Short: Keeping Clean and Neat
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Things I liked in the movie:
Exhaustive hygiene advice.
The cross-dressed cop used for bait.
That part where they closed the gate.
Very funny. Fascist bit about spending all day being obsessive about your hygiene. The riffs are fast and funny. I just feel bad for those kids.
It’s Ed Wood preaching again! This time, it’s the evils of the porn industry, which is run by an evil Lucille Ball in pants about 3 sizes too small. It’s actually slightly better than some previous movies. At least this time, he left out the 10 minute sermon at the end. There’s no acting and he films everything from getting in and out of cars, locking gates, walking, etc., but there is actually a bit of a plot with an actual twist ending. This makes it sound a lot better than it is, but it really is better than most of Wood’s efforts.
Some kids get advice about how to be clean and neat so they can be picked for some eighth grade project. The advice is essentially “spend all day every day cleaning yourself and your room.” Apparently it’s worth it because maybe the eighth graders will pick you.
Some actresses from a smut film outfit are murdered. The police investigate. They know who’s behind the smut industry in town, a nasty, screechy-voiced Lucille Ball look-alike named Miss Henderson, but they don’t have any evidence to link her to it.
Henderson doesn’t mind if her henchman Dirk kills a few girls here and there as long as he’s useful when she needs him. A naïve new actress wannabe shows up and gets sucked in. She’s as naïve as Ed Wood. She’s the worst actress ever, and gets refused everywhere she goes until Henderson’s smooth-talking manager Johnny tells her she’s hired without even an audition.
Dirk kills her the next day. He leaves a fingerprint at the scene and the police start looking for him. The braniacs in the police department come up with a brilliant plan to catch him, dress up a male cop as a girl and see if the killer will attack. Dirk takes the bait and attacks the ugly cross-dressing cop, but the cop takes him down.
Unfortunately, Johnny is there to conk the cop on the noggin with a stick. It’s not clear how he knew the exact moment to show up, but whatever. Johnny is now assigned to kill Dirk before the police catch him and he comes up with an ingenious plan that can’t go wrong – monkey with Dirk’s brakes. Dirk drives, brakes go out, Dirk crashes but lives, surprise. Dirk returns to get revenge on Johnny and Henderson.
Johnny tries to use this opportunity to take over from Miss Henderson. Henderson won’t stand for this and shoots Johnny and frames Dirk. But in a spectacular twist and climax, when the cops examine the corpse, it turns out she shot the wrong guy! Boinnnnggg! Way to go cops! That’s how you use the advantage of luck!
Host Segments
Opening: Mike and the ‘Bots throw Gypsy a shower. Every gift is a darling and lovely pair of pinking shears. Dr. F finds dynamite in Frank’s locker and suspects him of mischief.
Host segment 2: There’s an explosion on the SOL right at the break. Apparently the Mads sent a bomb up the umbilicus. There’s a new payphone. Frank calls. He’s gone over the edge like the killer in the movie and tells them he’s going to kill Dr. Forrester.
Host segment 3: Mike and the ‘Bots are checking into Frank’s files to see if they can figure him out. Crow contacts his informants including Huggy Bear.
Host segment 4: Crow is all fifties detective. He’s got Gypsy helping him find Frank. Mike is the police chief? Tom is a uniformed cop and narrows the suspect list down to Frank. The dialogue is a hilarious parody of the brainstorming by the movie cops. Mike realizes he needs . . . potato cakes! Mike talks Dr. F into getting some potato cakes to lure Frank from the dynamite. Dr. F heads out wearing his dynamite suit and Frank doesn’t bat an eye.
End: Frank announces the impending blowing-up of Dr. F., but he can’t resist the potato cakes. The plan works! Frank goes after the potato cakes and Dr. F stops the bomb. Mike reads a letter from someone who is smart, but not smart enough to come up with the idea for the movie Speed. Dr. F punishes Frank by deep-frying him.
Stinger: Henderson saying, “No, that’s not Dirk. No.” Etc.
Funny Riffs
Narrator: You’re not clean if your fingernails aren’t.
Mike: You are now officially obsessive compulsive.
After a long list of tasks for getting ready in the morning.
Mike: It’s like 3:00 in the afternoon by now.
After a couple more items to do in the morning.
Crow: Now time for bed!
Narrator: Don’t go to bed with wet hair.
Crow: Or a first date.
Mike: In the fifties people responded well to disembodied voices.
Narrator: In the morning, give yourself plenty of time.
Crow: Say, six hours!
Crow: Remember, people like you better if you’re pretty.
A woman is running in her underwear and high heels on a gravel road obviously worried about being chased.
Mike: She must be one of Senator Packwood’s aides.
The evil smut matron leaves the room for a minute, then returns.
Mike: That was a good crap.
Crow: Ed Wood mustered up all his incompetence for this movie.
Mike: I think Ed Wood has directed himself into a corner here.
Cop: She gets herself mixed up in this dirty, filthy racket.
Tom: Glamour Shots.
A new girl thinks she’s signing up for a legit movie and is gushing with gratitude when she’s accepted.
Girl: I’ll work ever so hard. I’ll do a great job in your picture.
Mike as girl: Not like now.
Police chief to detective: We’ll put a sweater and skirt on a policeman.
Mike as detective: Oh, like at your house.
Mike: Non-stop gate closing action!
Mike as Johnny: Can you scratch my back with your voice?
Tom: Action sequence, narrowly avoided.