612 – The Starfighters
ééé
Things I liked in the movie:
Every scene was a surprise.
I learned some facts about corn.
The poopy suit.
The riffs come fast, and most of them are pretty good. The movie is an assortment of plot-less junk. About half of it is stock footage of air-to-air refueling and jets flying around. The other half is clumsy pilot-like “actors” trying out cheesy lines on women and each other. There’s a conspicuous absence of the following literary elements: plot, setting, characters, conflict, and resolution. One of the most amazing features is that the music has no relationship to the movie. There’s sexy jazz and elevator music during training missions, dramatic music during dinner scenes – it’s worse than random, it seems purposely inappropriate. Once the “poopy suit” is introduced, there’s no end to songs and jokes about poop. That’s probably the best part. The poster for this movie says “The blazing adventure of the men and planes who rocket to the very edge OUTER SPACE!” That’s a load of poopy.
The first half of the movie is some fighters refueling. Then, as Mike put it, the movie premise is some sort of plane thing. A congressman’s son is a fighter pilot but his dad wants him to fly bombers. But darn it all, the brat wants to be a fighter pilot! He wants to be like Tom Cruise, not his old dad! Then there’s a bit where the “actors” recall their lines word for word. Another few hours of airplane footage. At least the hold music is nice. Hold on! Plot point! The three main pilot students earned a patch! Woohoo! There’s no way to summarize this – it’s just random scenes. The congressman’s son is set up on a date with a HUGE boor from Iowa who goes on and on about corn. At one point, something might have been going to happen, but then it doesn’t. The congressman’s son’s landing gear indicator reports a problem. He makes an emergency landing and nothing happens. Then there’s some dating or something and finally another hour of refueling (riff: Well if the civil war comes down to refueling, we’ll win.) Finally, in a big finale, a sergeant wears a poopy suit. Indeed. Also, the pilots all take off for Europe and the screen says “The End.” So I guess that’s all the random scenes there will be.
Host Segments
Opening: Crow is showing us how to use the information superhighway! Server timed out! Try again! Various windows errors keep popping up. Crow appears to be a computer genius, but is unable to outsmart the computer and make it go online. He calls technical service. On hold forever. Frank and Dr. F have cranial ports. Mike and company have barbecue sauce! And it’s bold! Dr. F says it’s not bold. In response, Mike announces new extry-bold barbecue sauce.
Host segment 2: Crow is still on hold. Tom and Crow reenact the refueling scene such that Tom’s bottom is the receiver and Crow’s head is the probe. Crow’s head gets stuck and of course, the tech support guy finally comes on the phone. He hangs up because Crow won’t answer.
Host segment 3: Tom and Crow are in the Air Force. They call Mike “Major Nelson” front and center. They “debrief” him.
Host segment 4: United Servo Academy Men’s Chorus – surprisingly good! They sing a medley of pop songs in choral style. Mike is poorly dubbed like in the movie.
End: Crow reformatted the hard drive, reinstalled all the software, etc. Now he is able to get onto the information superhighway. He meets someone named Frodo who wants to play boogers. The Mads are sharing thoughts via their cranial ports.
Stinger: Mrs. Lyons elbowing Mr. Lyons.
Funny Riffs
The movie shows the title: The Starfighters
Crow: The Sean Penn story!
We watch a refueling plane hook up with a fighter, disconnect, then start connecting with the next fighter.
Crow: This plane is insatiable!
Tom: The Babe Ruth of airplanes.
The stock footage of refueling fighters shows summer for a while,
then suddenly it’s winter.
Mike in a suave history channel voice: And as the seasons change, the refueling continues.
After about 5 strange looking officers have been introduced
Mike: Is your face odd? Misshapen? Join the Air Force!
The pilot calls the air traffic controller to report ready for takeoff.
Mike as ATC: Uh, Reagan fired us. Gotta go.
The ATC talks again but this time, he’s been dubbed over
by some mellow-voiced actor.
Crow: Oh! He’s suddenly become mellifluous!
General: You know flying a plane is like making love?
Mike: Uh, you have to pay?
Mike: I think the
U.S. should GET OUT. Of this movie.
Lt. Witkowski: Did you have fun tonight?
Tom: Did you Wang
Chung tonight?
The lieutenant caresses the Iowa girl’s heavily hair-sprayed hair.
Tom and Crow: Crunch crunch crunch.
When the landing gear problem occurs, the first tiny bit of tension occurs. Then he lands and nothing happens.
Crow: This movie just faced us!
After an inane bit of dialogue about who’s falling asleep in the car
Betty Lyons: If you don’t get us home soon, we’ll have to unroll
our sleeping bags right here.
Lt Lyons: And you wouldn’t want that, now, would you?
Crow: He meant that dirtifully.
Mike: You know I read this screenplay. 2 pages.
Crow: Watch out for snakes.
Mike: Rampant phone call action!
As a chopper lands to pick up a downed pilot, the
ridiculous music turns into sultry jazz.
Tom: Ah, it’s a lush cocktail rescue.
Johnny: Honey, I really love you.
Tom: I love the crunch of your hair.
Crow: And to think at the beginning of this film,
all these characters were like strangers to us.
Mike: Now they’re like family.
Each takes a turn singing about the poopy suit to the goofy music:
Tom: Don’t crap in your hand, crap in your poopy suit.
You’ll feel relieved filling your briefs!
Mike: Fill your pants over France in your poopy suit.
Crow: Flying high in the blue free to do number two!
Poo poopy doo! Poo poopy doo.
Mike: I really think there’s more nothing in this movie than in any movie we’ve seen.