521 – Santa Claus
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Things I liked in the movie:
The devil.
Scary reindeer.
The fan with the ear on it.
The eyeball telescope.
Impressions
This is a bizarre, narrated Mexican Santa Claus movie in which Santa battles Satan every step of the way. There are various moral lessons like “be good,” “love your kids,” and “Satan is a goober.”
Synopsis
Santa showcases a workshop in which kids from all over the world “help” him by singing badly. They sing like Conan O’Brien’s Reluctant Under-Rehearsed Children’s Choir. Santa watches the kids on Earth through his strange telescope that is mainly a stick with an eyeball on the end connected to a box with giant lips. During his observations Santa notices and frets over the devil’s success with a few naughty boys. As Christmas approaches, he reads his mail and then takes off in his sleigh pulled by four plastic reindeer who laugh horribly. His assistant reminds him to be back before sunrise or else the reindeer will turn to dust. The devil, a perverted ballerino, tries to stop Santa by moving chimneys, lighting fires in them, and super-heating doorknobs. He even tries sicking bad boys on him. None of this works very well. In the movie’s spectacular climax, the devil gets Santa treed by a dog and wakes everyone up to see him in the tree. Santa narrowly escapes, risks his life to deliver one last toy, skips France, and heads back just in time to beat sunrise.
Host segments:
Segment one: Mike and the Bots sing carols and have a gift exchange. On the ground, Frank has a present for Dr. F. It turns out Frank shaved his head and got Dr. F a watch fob like in Gift of the Magi. Dr. F has apparently forgotten to get Frank a gift, so he digs up a $25 savings bond that he can cash in 30 years.
Segment two: Mike and the Bots are a rock band named Santa Klaws. They sing “The Warrior’s Christmas.”
Segment three: Mike is blindfolded because they didn’t wrap his present. The present is “The Family Nelson” on the hexfield. It’s not Mike’s family, but good try.
Segment four: Mike and the Bots sing an ecumenical holiday song that ends with “Can’t we all just get along?”
Final segment: Mike is cleaning up after the party. He misses Earth where it snows at Christmas. Then—a Christmas miracle—it snows outside the Satellite of Love! The devil is in Deep 13 being entertained by Frank and Dr. F. Santa comes in and picks a fight. Frank declares “It’s the best Christmas ever!”
Stinger: Scary reindeer laughter.
Some good riffs:
Mike: I saw mommy killing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.
Mike: Action Jesus! Manger sold separately.
Tom: Ho ho ho ho, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.
After several sad, forced musical numbers by kids from different countries:
Mike: Santa makes them sing 16 hours a day for two dollars!
Narrator: Children from the USA . . .
Crow: Are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa!
One kid seems to be polishing a rifle while they’re singing.
Tom: Kid, that’s not how you play a rifle.
A robot Santa is laughing very creepily.
Crow: This is good old-fashioned nightmare fuel!
As Santa’s laughter serenades a poor girl who can’t have a doll.
Mike: Santa’s laughter mocks the poor.
Santa looks through the telescope to see what Lupita is doing. It shows the Earth from a few million miles away.
Mike: Oh, he really zoomed in on her.
Demon does a strange wobbly face and sound.
Mike: Don’t you ever do that again!
The movie shows a boy sleeping.
Mike: Oh no, sugarplums! Dancing . . . . unhhhh.
A fan with what looks like an ear attached to it is oscillating.
Riff: A Van Gogh fan!
And later the fan is shown again.
Crow: It’s an oscillating fan with an ear attached. Period.
Narrator: See, there’s no fooling Santa Claus.
Tom: Yeah? So who talked him into that suit?
Santa reading a letter: Dear Santa Claus, please bring me a little brother. Ho ho!
Mike as Santa: Ohhhhh! Can do! Ho ho! Can do!
Tom: This isn’t charming at all. It’s creepy!
Crow: When Santa laughs, the whole world shakes its head!
Tom: A pentagram and reindeer laughing. You figure it out.
Santa is flying apparently right into the moon.
Mike: Santa got drunk and delivered the presents to the moon again.
Santa is flying about 2 mph
Mike: Wow! Santa’s haulin’ ass!
Santa is climbing incredibly slowly.
Crow: Santa, it’s 4:00 AM, you better get a rush on!
Santa delivers gifts under the tree.
Tom: This year I gave everyone Yahtzee.
Santa shoots a dart into the demon’s butt. He jumps around in pain.
Tom: This is funny. I don’t care what anybody says.
Tom: Booze helps parents care for their children.
Crow: Santa’s mounting-up procedures don’t make for good cinema.