321 – Santa Claus
Conquers the Martians
éééé
Things I liked in the movie:
Evil mustaches.
The robot.
The automatic toy machine.
Impressions
I didn’t realize Pia Zadora was in this movie. That alone should have been warning enough. The movie is so unbelievably dorky that it doesn’t really need MST3K to mock it. It’s self-mocking. You could watch this movie without MST3K and laugh out loud at how odd and corny it is.
Synopsis
Mars is a very serious planet occupied by humans who paint their faces green, in some cases clumsily glue on fake mustaches, and wear green tights and helmets with tubes sticking out of them. Because it’s such a serious place, the children are forced to do nothing but learn all day, until one day they see some “Earth Programs” on TV that include Santa Claus and toys. The kids become depressed when the learn what they’re missing.
Kimar, the leader of the Martians and father to the depressed kids, decides to kidnap Santa to cheer his kids up. A primary aide named Voldar, a macho, angry, destructive meanie-pants, objects to this plan and tries to thwart it the whole time. The Martians go to Earth, steal a pair of kids to use as a GPS, and finally abduct Santa himself.
Back on Mars, Kimar makes Santa a toy factory that practically operates itself. Santa gets bored and wants to go home. He grooms a replacement, an awkward, middle-aged stooge named Droppo. Voldar continues to try to foil Kimar’s plans by attempting to kill Santa and the kids, by sabotaging the factory, and by attacking Kimar and Santa at various times. Kimar seems to just put up with this as if it’s normal.
Kimar sends the kids and Santa back to Earth.
Host Segments
Prologue: Joel and the ‘Bots are looking at Christmas catalogues. Kids know best, so get them what they ask for. Among other things, Crows wants to decide who lives and who dies.
Segment One (Invention Exchange): Dr. F is and Frank have invented the unbelievably funny “Wish Squisher”! It turns video games into underroos! Cash into a raisin collection! Slot cars into socks! Socks into a gift certificate for a stationery store! Joel has invented games you might find on the Island of Misfit Toys.
Segment Two: Joel and the ‘Bots are planning to go caroling. Tom Servo has a snow-globe head. Crow has written “Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas,” which they then sing.
Segment Three: Crow and Servo discuss how the movie makes them depressed – just like Christmas does. Joel has a bunch of good Christmas movies.
Segment Four: Joel and the ‘Bots read their Christmas essays. Crow complains that Santa’s workshop produces toys no one wants like wooden trains. How come no microchips? Tom reads a strange poem about being in space at Christmas and Santa and the Reindeer blowing up in the vacuum. Joel reads about the 70s Christmas office party. Gypsy just has a nativity scene in her mouth.
Segment Five: Joel and the ‘Bots sing a joke version of Angels We Have Heard on High. They open stockings. Joel’s has a letter. Dr. F and Frank exchange gifts in an ironic parody of The Gift of the Magi.
Stinger: Voldar laughing evilly.
Funny Riffs
Santa is smoking a pipe.
Santa: Hello boys and girls!
Crow: Smoking is good for you!
Reporter: You think you’ll be ready by Christmas Eve?
Santa: Well, we’ve never disappointed the kids yet.
Joel: Except for the poor ones.
Martian: What is a . . . Christmas?
Joel: It’s a Christian holiday ruined by commercialism.
Chochim (the old wise man) shakes while a thunder like sound is played.
Tom Servo: Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you.
After a bunch of missiles and radars are shown, one of the Martians comes into the Martian ship bridge.
Crow: Wow! There’s a ton of stock footage out there!
Earth Girl: What are those funny things sticking out of your head?
Martian: Those are our antennae.
Girl: Are you a television set?
Crow as Martian: No, but I play one on T.V.
Voldar: If we take them with us to Mars, Santa’s disappearance will remain a mystery. No one on Earth will ever know Santa was kidnapped by Martians.
Joel: Do you realize what you just said?
Tom Servo: I don’t think so.
Torg the Robot catches the kids and holds them one in each arm.
Voldar: Crush them! Crush them Torg!
Crow as Torg: You were adopted!
Three baseball bats come out of the automated toy machine.
Joel: Oh, those must be for the LAPD.
Santa: No, no, no. I’m not tired. But my finger is.
Tom Servo: Santa! No!
Droppo: My finger isn’t tired.
Crow: Look out nose!
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians IMDB Page