208 – Lost Continent
éééé
Things I liked about the movie:
At the top of the mountain, there’s a thousand acre jungle!
Recycled actors.
Impressions
Overall a pretty good episode. Most of the jokes follow the theme that the entire movie seems to be some guys rock climbing. The movie itself is pretty bad, but not much worse than the usual fifties sci-fi b-movies. The plot seems ok, but only enough to carry the movie about 15 minutes. To make it stretch to 90, the director added an hour of rock climbing that was neither dramatic, nor beautiful, nor even believable. A lot of the riffs are generalized and are funny as stand-alone criticisms of any film (e.g., “My spirit is snoring!” and “Would someone please tell the director about compressing time through editing?!”).
Synopsis
A German scientist has developed an atomic powered rocket that goes out of control and crashes in the South Pacific. The Army decides to send a search party for the rocket and the plane ends up crash landing on a small island. To keep the personnel cost low, they use the same actors that launched the rocket to go find it. The island is inhabited by primitive people who report they saw where the rocket landed, but of course, it’s in the forbidden area that has some religious significance. They then run away. The men then spend a few months climbing rocks, and none of it remains unfilmed. Finally, they reach the top, which, instead of being an apex of rock or ice, is thousands of acres of “prehistoric” jungle. It turns out there’s a large uranium field there that somehow keeps the jungle and dinosaurs alive. The group is attacked by various herbivorous dinosaurs. After the dinosaur budget runs out, they find the rocket, do their business, and leave. On the way down, the mountain decides to blow up to add to the “drama.” A lot of rocks fall and it gets pretty scary. They steal an abandoned canoe and paddle away just in time for the entire island to blow up. The End.
Host Segments
Prologue: A bearded Joel is “coaching” the ‘Bots so they can win against the movie. Frank’s invention exchange is a treadmill that drives around using the power of the user’s walking. They skip Joel’s invention.
Second: Tom is telling a joke, but Joel programmed it into him. A house flies up to the SOL. Hugh Beaumont is flying the house and threatens them with death while the laugh track laughs. It’s Leave it to Beaver!
Third: A mini-play called The Explorers. Joel tells natives Tom and Crow how he’s here to impart the white man’s way only he doesn’t use any articles or prepositions. Natives Tom and Crow speak especially articulately and then start mocking him. Joel tells them he needs them to talk dumb so he can be smugly superior. Then he goes all mystery on them because it’s a Quinn Martin production.
Fourth: Joel is re-enacting the plummet-to-his-death scene on a fake rock with some toy soldiers. Tom and Crow are looking out a view port at something and call Joel over. The three comment on this very cool thing for a while. After a couple minutes of this, they ask us, the viewers, if we know what it is (we still never see it). We are directed to send our drawing or model to “Cool Thing” at their address.
Final: Joel explains how Lippert, the executive producer invented “padding” as a way to make the film longer and mind-numbingly dull. Tom explains how Cesar Romero wasn’t dull enough for one of the roles and Crow tells us an amusing bit about how the director amused the cast by doing terrible things to his dog with a fork. They read a letter. The Mads declare they won.
Stinger: Wilson: “Well thanks for straightening the whole thing out, Doc. You took the words right out of my mouth. What a relief.”
Funny Riffs
When the rocket doesn’t turn around:
Crow: Hey Jerry! There’s something wrong with the stock footage simulator!
A couple is kissing. The doorbell buzzes.
Crow: Remove tongue from tonsils.
Crow: Hey, we landed on a witch. Maybe the film will be in color from this point.
The crew of the crashed plane is wandering around a primitive village:
Tom: Gilligan! Maryanne!
Crow: Grab the butt, it makes a better handle!
Joel: Hey! They’re pantsing him!
Crow as climber: Look, I’ll thank you not to touch my butt.
Joel as climber: Please don’t grab my butt, I’ve just had an operation.
Man: Seems like we’ve been climbing for days.
Crow: Tell us about it.
Man: Hey, John. Is your head clear?
Joel: No, it’s opaque.
Crow: Mine’s Lucite. Well, it is.
Crow as announcer: Not since Andy Worhol’s Empire State has a camera stayed in one place for so long.
A man lies down for a couple of seconds and the camera just looks at him.
Joel: Come on! Use your femur!
Joel: Huh. We’re in hell. Neat.
Crow: Would someone please tell the director about compressing time through editing?
Tom: Yes! Yes! My spirit is snoring!
After one of the climbers falls to his death:
Tom: Hm.
One climber looks across about a 10 foot gap to another mountain. He thinks the only way up is to jump across.
Climber: You think you can make that? (Points across)
Tom: Oh, I don’t know. I’d have to heat my core to 13,000 degrees,
get involved in plate tectonics, and . . .
Crow: Not the mountain, you idiot.
Tom: Oh, you mean the jump.
As it becomes clear the group is all going to have to jump over the gap:
Joel: Well, this should thin the cast a bit and leave more lines for us!
Tom: You know, even rock climbing movies don’t have this much rock climbing.
Movie: Let’s take a 15 minute break.
Tom: But keep the camera running.
The climbers discover a track and the movie shows us a big paw print.
Joel: Mountain cows. Nothing scarier.
As they move through the lame jungle set:
Joel: Now this is where they shot Mad Monster. And a little ways down here you’ll see where they did Jungle Goddess. There’s Rocketship X-M – filmed right here, too.
The group is looking around in a clearing:
Tom: Plot! Here, plot! Plot! Here, plot! Story line! (The others whistle as if calling a dog)
They spot a brontosaurus. The movie shows it walking and looking around.
Joel as brontosaurus: Hi. I’ve been waiting for the last 50 minutes, but I’ve got to go. They tell me I cost over a thousand dollars a minute.
Movie: You know what a miracle is, Lieutenant?
Crow: The words “The End”!
Rostov: Too much pressure with no safety valve.
Tom: That’s colitis, alright.
Crow: Brain the size of a walnut.
Joel: Dinosaurs?
Crow: No. The director.
A hut collapses in the earthquake/storm/volcano or whatever it is.
Crow: Hey, their
lean-to just leaned fro.