205 – Rocket Attack U.S.A. with short: The Phantom Creeps Part 2
éééé
Things I liked about the movie:
When I think about Russia, I think belly dancers!
The subtlety and sophistication of American spies.
The end of the world is sort of a relief.
Impressions
Short
After watching about four season one episodes in a row, the difference between seasons one and two became obvious. The riffs seem fast and furious and generally funnier in season two. A lot of the riffs in this short are Joel overdubbing Bela Lugosi with amusing nonsense. Exempli gratis: after Bela tells an 8-foot robot to move a fireplace Joel says, “He’s no goot forrr light dawsting but on the hivvy jawbs, he’s jahst vahnduhfool.”
Movie
This was a pretty fun episode. The movie was begging for it and Joel and company gave in and did it. The American military appeared crabby and underfunded. The “best man” for the spying job was clumsily inadequate. What was sort of a romance was about as exciting as the electricity between a Walmart greeter and the customers trying to avoid him. As a propaganda film, I think it wanted to say we need to commit to winning the arms race, but it really showed us how desperately we needed some diversity in Hollywood.
Synopsis
Short
A plane crashes with four people aboard. One woman bails out and gets caught in a tree. Bela Lugosi saves her. Of the other passengers, the man lives but is in a coma, and the woman dies. The pilot died causing the crash. Bela is angry and blames those who drove her into hiding. He promises to get revenge. There is a complex political situation. Zorka, the pilot who died, was carrying a formula of some sort that is important to scientists. Bela and sidekick break into his lab later to steal the formula and while they’re there, some Beanie Babies™ spiders slide around to Little Rascals music. The police are alerted to the presence of a prowler and go inside the house to see who’s there and they find a girl screaming and backing away from one of the toy spiders. They shoot it! There’s an extremely confusing gunfight in which the bad guys (Bela and sidekick) get away using an invisibility cloak. In the meantime, they blow up Ronald Reagan by rolling him off a cliff in a car.’
Movie
This movie is a scare film about what will happen if we let the wrong people get into power (i.e. the party that opposes the filmmaker’s party). I’m worried if we don’t get the other party into power, we’ll end up watching more crap like this, go mad, and blow ourselves up. It’s a lose-lose situation.
The movie introduces itself by showing is a water tower flying through space. On the ground, an actor with a very short career listens to crickets on his ham radio. Some generals get nervous because this water tower may enable some other less worthy country to get ICBMs first, and wipe out the U.S. before we can invent Walmart and Starbucks and take over the world. To that end, Sam Waterson sends a guy to Russia to hit on an undercover agent there. Because she’s a girl, it’s a big joke and of course the guy assumes certain liberties, knowwhatimean, knowwhatimean, nudge-nudge. The narrator explains helpfully how the spy must not reveal his intent or the Russians wouldn’t like it! Thanks for that explanation.
First stop in Moscow is a belly-dancer-infested coffee shop. He waits inconspicuously for someone to hit him over the head with a U.S. flag. A “waitress” blatantly and suspiciously hands him some paper folded up really small and doesn’t take his order. They exchange meaningful glances and he looks around guiltily. The movie people want to introduce us to Russian culture until they finish writing the plot, so we have to watch a mediocre American belly dancer and a fire-eater for 10 minutes. It’s clear why we became such bitter enemies.
Next, he goes to the apartment of the spy chick. She explains in a suicidal monotone why she’s so motivated to spy. It’s because she’s the mistress of the minister of defense--and when the pig gets drunk, he talks. Our hero hides in the closet while the girl satisfies the minister’s urges. After the defense minister leaves, she reveals that the Russians plan to strike as soon as their nuclear missile is ready in order to beat the U.S. to it.
Our hero then falls in love with the beautiful lady spy . . . maybe . . . sort of. The only hope is to go to the almost ready Russian ICBM and sabotage it themselves. Fortunately for America, the security around the most important weapon in the world is a shabby wire fence and one guard. Our hero plants a bomb, but because he’s an idiot and has no sense of how to be discreet, he’s discovered. Some army guys show up and remove the bomb and kill him.
The movie then brings us back to what may be the U.S. and we watch what could be a montage of regular white Americans having regular white American life moments. A confident radio news announcer sleepily explains with excruciating condescension how the Russians must have backed off because we bluffed them. The commies nuke the Big Apple anyway and make the narrator sad.
Host Segments
Prologue: Joel explains the intricacies of hair products to the hairless ‘Bots. Tom Servo has a “haircut” which means his head is like a tube instead of a sphere. Invention exchange – Joel invented an adding machine that prints out those candy dots stuck to paper. The Mads invented foosball water polo by putting water in a foosball table.
Segment two: The ‘Bots complain about the short and look forward to the movie because it’s a war film. Joel corrects them and tells them it’s a Cold War film and explains that was a fertile time of paranoia and conservatism and jingoism. The ‘Bots fondly remember Charlie McCarthy of the McCarthy era. Joel explains how Charlie McCarthy called Howdy Doody to testify and he named names. Gumby, Pokey, Kukla and Olly were all implicated. Gumby and Pokey were conspiring the communists! Then lots of other puppets were outed and couldn’t work in Hollywood any more. Davey and Goliath were cooperative, but when Goliath tried to spill the beans, all Congress heard was “arf arf” and he was convicted. The ‘Bots are glad they’re not puppets.
Segment three: Joel hosts civil defense quiz bowl, which is done using the Jeopardy format. The ‘Bots are covered in foil. The quiz questions are around cold war propaganda. One question is what was considered the CIA’s greatest failure? Crow answers, “The JFK assassination.” Joel says, “No, that was a success.”
Segment four: A Russian satellite approaches the SOL. It’s “Sari Andropoly” (Mike Nelson) a cosmonaut trapped in a satellite with two robots. Tom cracks a joke, so Sari shows them one of his mirth-getters. He puts on a weird mask and says “Ohh, booga booga.” Then removes the mask and says, “I kill me.” Joel invites him to the SOL for drinks, but the Russian docking port is AC and the SOL port is DC so it won’t work. Sari asks him to pass on to Billy Joel that he did nothing for glasnost.
Final: Joel and the ‘Bots furiously complain about the movie. They recap the whole thing hilariously and the lesson learned was not to live in the city. Live in the suburbs and you’ll be safe. Joel reads a letter.
Stinger: The blind guy saying “help me.”
Funny Riffs
Short
The credits show “The Phantom Creeps”
Joel: Now, is creeps a verb or a noun in this?
Crow: I think it’s a French pancake.
Bela Lugosi diagnosing a victim: He’s in a coma.
Joel: He watched the first reel of the film?
Man: Well, did you get Zorka’s formula?
Tom: Yes. It was juice, toast, milk, and Trix.
Bela’s sidekick is sneaking around a house. A “guard” appears wearing a hat with ear flaps and carrying a shotgun pointed forward.
Joel: Be vewwy quiet. I’m hunting sidekicks.
After a cop is shot repeatedly, he’s lying on the ground.
Girl: Is he dead?
Another cop: No, just stunned.
Crow: Stunned? He took six bullets!
Movie
Joel: Remember guys this movie is filmed in color, but everything is gray in Russia.
During the credits:
Tom Servo: Alan Smiler as a sad guy, dietetic photography by Mike Tabb.
Teenaged nerdy guy is sitting at a mic doing nothing for a while.
Some chirping is heard, presumably some sort of radio noise.
Joel as nerdy guy: Hey, crickets! I think I’ll name my band that.
Almost as funny, the actor turns around and yells “Hey, Morgan! C’mere a minute and listen to this!”
A scientist is briefing some generals. The phone rings.
Scientist: You may as well answer it, General, that’s all I have to say.
Joel as general: Oh? MAY I?
Right before commercial break, the spy runs over to some bushes.
Crow: There’s a commercial behind this bush.
A belly dancer dances in a coffee shop (!?)
Crow: This is the real Russia . . . after hours.
The girl pretends to burn some spy papers but holds it below the camera.
Crow: They can’t even afford to burn paper in this film.
Handler guy to spy chick: Tell me, did you find out anything?
Crow as girl: . . . He’s got a mole shaped like Nixon.
The general is telling a scientist how we need to get something ready fast.
General: This country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen.
Joel: You mean an actor becoming president?
They make fun of the overly intrusive narrator as a general stands around for a minute.
Crow as narrator: The general scratches his belly and thinks. His shirts are clean, but his officers stink. Gorilla girl, hot and sweet.
The camera lingers for a while after a dull 10-second shot of a guy walking slowly past.
Joel: I’m holding! Can somebody get into the scene please? Hey!
Tom Servo: Somebody on the screen, please? Somebody?
Joel: Is there somebody around that could . . .
Tom Servo: Oh, here he comes.
Joel: OK.
The spies are walking through a heavily patrolled area near the missile.
Russian officer from off-screen: Stoj!! (Shots ring out and the girl falls to the ground)
Tom: That must mean “pull” in Russian.
After the “dramatic” scene, in which the spies were shot to death after running around a lot, we cut to a car driving slowly in a pleasant countryside.
Crow: Hey, this doesn’t look like Russia! Doesn’t look like New York, either!
The car drives by a sign that says, “Hazlet.”
Crow: Hazlet? This must be a Twilight Zone episode.
Tom Servo: Submitted, for your approval.
The car drives around slowly.
Tom: Special agents are called in to slow the film down and grind it to a screeching halt.
The Soviet General Secretary is holding a high-level cabinet meeting. He’s on the phone.
Joel as narrator: The General is calling a local tobacconist to see if they have Prince Albert in a can. They say, “yes,” and the General says, “Well, you better let him out before he suffocates.” He then switches lines to a local bowling alley and asks if they have ten-pound balls. They, of course, reply, “yes,” and he says, “How did you get to the phone so quickly?”
Joel: I never thought the end of the world would be so annoying.
Tom Servo: Do not try to adjust your set. We will control what is boring.
During what should be the most terrifying moment of the American General’s life, the call telling him there’s an ICBM on the way, he asks a bunch of questions and wastes a minute or two.
General: Are you sure it’s not an aircraft?
Crow: Is it bigger than a breadbox? Is it known for its work in the theater?
Tom Servo: So, it’s our imminent doom, then? Ok.
The General hangs up after hearing an ICBM is coming. He looks bored and removes his hat (that for some reason he was wearing indoors).
Crow: Well, that’s not good.
Two girls listen to the air raid sirens.
Girl one: It’s not another of those things.
Girl two: I think they’re stupid.
Crow: Darn old apocalypse! I just ignore them.
Tom Servo: Goofy bombs!
A blind guy is walking along.
Tom Servo: Lucky one. Didn’t have to see any of this.
New York was almost completely destroyed. The narrator says, “With almost 3 million dead.”
Joel: Just a regular day in the Big Apple.
Rocket Attack U.S.A. IMDB Page