203 – Jungle Goddess with short: The Phantom Creeps
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Things I liked about the movie:
Bela Lugosi’s plastic spider toy.
The witch doctor who keeps jumping into the scene and yelling, but then has to be quieted by the Goddess.
French fried potatoes.
Wanama’s delight about being dumb.
Impressions
Short
This was a fast-paced, random, nonsensical bit about Bela Lugosi’s character, Dr. Zorka, who apparently invented everything all on the same day. It sounds like some of the inventions are really useful and will change the world, but strangely, the one invention everyone cares about is a communion wafer that you put in someone’s purse and that attracts exploding toy spiders. I thought Joel and company did a pretty good job heckling, but none of the jokes were overly memorable. It was fine. I liked it better than Commando Cody shorts, but not by a lot.
Movie
This seems to be a movie about how imperialist white people may occasionally come in contact with African natives, but if they show enough contempt and recklessly shoot them when it’s convenient, everything will work out fine. The riffing was reasonably good. The movie was frightfully bad. It’s sort of like if The Little Rascals episode “Wild Man From Borneo” were redone as a serious movie. Jungle Goddess is rated 1.6 stars out of 10 on IMDB, but I’d say it’s not as bad as Robot Monster, Manos, or Monster-A-Go-Go.
Some of the nifty features of this movie are:
The white goddess, Greta, is waited on by a native woman who wears a European dress, has long, flowing, Caucasian hair, and black-face makeup. She speaks in a pidgin dialect that sounds half like a Spanish person just learning English and half like a fluent English speaker.
Mike discovers “kronotite” which, even though it can be used in producing atomic power, it can also apparently be held in one’s bare hand and tasted without any damage to one’s health. Curiously, this element is discovered by George Reeves, who is famous for being allergic to kryptonite.
Greta goes on and on about hats. She also longs for “French fried potatoes.”
When Mike says he’s so hungry he could eat a horse, Greta points out that he’s eating zebra.
Synopsis
Short
Bela Lugosi has made a goofy robot. He plans to take over the world with it but for now he just has it wander around the room clumsily. It walks about 1 mph, so it’s going to take a while to take over the world. He also made a communion wafer that attracts toy spiders and then blows them up. Some government guy with no apparent authority really wants Lugosi to give the spider bomb invention to the government. Oh yeah, Lugosi also made an invisibility belt. He sneaks out of his own house and is chased by a government car. They both drive off a cliff. Lugosi arranges the accident scene so it looks like he died, but there’s still a loose end. His wife could identify the body and blow his cover. So he plants a communion wafer in her purse and sends a toy spider after her. The spider explodes her purse while she’s on an airplane. The explosion causes the plane to crash.
Movie
Mike and Bob, two adventurous bachelors, go looking for a millionaire’s daughter, Greta Vanderhorn, whose plane crashed in the jungle in Zambezi six years ago. If they find her, they get a reward of 5,000 pounds. What they don’t know is that Greta was taken in by a native Zambezi tribe who thought she was a goddess. She’s been surviving there by faking her deity.
As soon as Bob and Mike encounter Greta’s tribesmen, Bob shoots one of them dead. Mike and Bob are captured and tried for murder. Mike is exonerated, but Bob is sentenced to death and put in a primitive jail hut. Greta takes Mike aside and tells him she has a plan to escape and only sentenced Bob to death to keep the tribesmen convinced that she’s in charge.
Bob fights with Mike. During the fight, Bob kills a second native by firing a hidden pistol right as the native runs into the tent to stop the fight. Greta says she can’t hold the natives off because of this second killing and that they had better rush their escape plans. During their escape, Bob attacks Mike and runs off with the gun and the gear and leaves Mike and Greta to fend for themselves.
Bob reaches the plane slightly ahead of the other two and ambushes Mike when they arrive. The natives arrive while Mike and Bob enjoy their third fight. One of the natives spears Bob. Mike shows his gratitude by shooting the native. Mike and Greta make it to the plan and take off. Greta is happy she’ll finally get to wear a hat again.
Host Segments
Prologue: Joel and the ‘Bots are playing hide and seek with the forces that control the universe. TV’s Frank is trying to teach a leech person to sing. Invention exchange: Joel invented a circular saw that is remotely controlled. Dr. F invented a sax that plays through his severed head.
Segment 2: Joel is hosting Bela’s okay discoveries. His guests are Tom Servo and Crow. Servo explains the technology of the phantom creep and exploding disc. The show is formatted as an infomercial that’s selling the disc.
Segment 3: Joel explains to Tom and Crow that it’s a cinematic effect to put a mask over the camera to let the audience know they were looking through binoculars, even though when you look through them it looks normal to you. Then they show stock footage through it. Joel puts several of these masks over the camera to demonstrate – binoculars, keyhole, rifle scope, periscope, and some comic ones that are pretty funny. My favorite is the heart-shaped mask, the “I Love Lucy” scope, which Crow enhances by saying in a graveling voice, “Rickey! It turns out I was never funny!”
Segment 4: Joel and the ‘Bots are complaining about a loud buzzing sound. It’s an old British plane flying up to the SOL. It’s Mike and Bob from the movie. They are European imperial types and want to enslave them and take everything they have.
Final: Joel is Greta in a sitcom named “My White Goddess.” The laugh track loves the jokes about the jungle and Greta being a goddess. Tom Servo is Bob and he shoots their guests. TV’s Frank liked the show. Joel reads some letters.
Stinger: No stinger.
Funny Riffs
Short
Lugosi is standing near his robot and puts on a rubber glove.
Mike in Lugosi’s accent: Now turn your head and clank.
Movie
Bob: I waited for three hours last night.
Yvonne: I did not tell you I would be there.
Bob: Your eyes said you would.
Yvonne: Ah, but my lips did not.
Crow as Yvonne: My dress said maybe, but my patella gave a resounding Yes!
Mike: Keep your eyeballs peeled, Bob. Remember, we’re not in the Rue de la Paix.
Joel as Bob: I’ll go one better. I’ll take them clean out of my sockets of you like.
The moment they see some natives, Bob shoots one.
Joel as Bob: I hope that’s an acceptable greeting.
Greta: The penalty for murder is the same here as anywhere else. Death.
Crazy Native: Ah gah bah ga . . . (cut off by Greta’s gesture to be quiet)
Joel: Uh, not yet. Two more pages. Yeah. Just, uh, step back.
Old lady on the plane: I used to worry terribly about everything. Big things and little things.
Joel as old lady: Orange things and paisley things.
Crow: Hey, my skull’s starting to hurt. Could you clam up?
A co-pilot comes out of the pilot’s cabin.
Joel as co-pilot: Uh, the captain and I are out of drinks.
Greta: By some miracle, I was the only survivor.
Tom Servo: By some plot contrivance.
Tom Servo as Greta: Suddenly, I was in front of a rear projection screen. You know how I hate those.
Mike: What’s the snake for?
Greta: The snake is Oolanga’s pet executioner.
Mike: You mean he.
Greta: It’s a very . . . torturous death. The poison works very slowly and . . . horribly.
Joel: Sounds like the plot of this movie.
Greta to Wanama: Remember everything I taught you. I’ll remember everything you taught me.
Crow: Nobody taught anybody to act.
After a monkey throws a coconut at Bob and screams:
Tom Servo: Someone oughtta spank that monkey.
After losing three people to the white visitors, the natives rail at the plane as Mike and Greta fly off.
Tom Servo as native: Ok, new rule. No white people. Must take a hard line on this. No exceptions. Send memo.