202 - Sidehackers (aka
Five the Hard Way)
éééé
Things I liked about the movie:
Frolicking!
Sidehacking is the wave of the future.
The unknown guy who can shoot while riding a motorcycle with unbelievable accuracy, often without looking.
Impressions
There are some funny parts, but overall, it’s heavily padded with love and violence. I must admit the saccharine “frolic” scene and the riffing about frolicking was very funny. The Sidehacking song was fun, too. The riffs during the so-called race were good (see funny riffs section). There are long stretches where JC (the villain) is nasty to his gang. These are depressing and the riffs fall flat. The fighting scene at the end is very long and inane and again the riffing during that part just ok. In fact, this is the worst movie panned by the crew yet! Disclaimer.
Synopsis
It starts out with a thirtysomething motorcycle mechanic, Rommel (Ross Hagen). Rommel is very successful at the narrowest and worst known of athletic pursuits – sidehacking. Sidehacking, you ask? Sidehacking?! Yes. A bad name for a bad sport. In sidehacking, motorcycles have sidecars on which a partner stands and moves with the intention of balancing the bike as it goes through corners. Our hero, Rommel, minds his own business and frolicks with his girl Rita--a cute and young-looking woman with the voice of a 70-year-old smoker. Rommel enjoys easily winning what appears to be the only sidehacking race in the country over and over. When he’s not frolicking or racing, he makes ends meet by fixing bikes. One day, a fortysomething jerk named J.C. (Michael Pataki) decides he needs to get in on the sidehacking craze. JC invites Rommel to travel with him and put on shows where they embellish sidehacking to look more exciting. JC refuses because he just wants to race and frolick. Besides, JC is a creep.
It turns out JC has a dark side that counter-balances his obnoxious and stupid side. He operates a cult of personality (in spite of the absence of one) and keeps his cronies on a short leash using threats and violence. He has Rommel beaten up and they kill Rita in the process. This understandably upsets Rommel to the point that he plays pool all day (and seems to really be into it!). Rommel finally decides to go confront JC and talks all his friends into going with him, but tells them they can’t use guns!
Meanwhile, JC’s appetite for killing increases. He kills his own girlfriend and later his right hand man, Cooch, for dissing him.
War is declared and stupidly executed. In the end, sheer ineptitude and inattentiveness rules the day. Pretty much everyone dies by the most ironic and comedic gunshot action possible. Included in this part:
Rommel won’t let his own men use guns against a well-armed gang! They agree! They all get killed!
Rommel’s muscle-bound gang member kills a bad guy with his bare hands, then lifts him over his head and stands in that position for a long stretch. A bad guy takes aim, fires, kills him.
One of Rommel’s guys, during the war at what looks like a gravel pit or a construction site of some type, rides a motorcycle around and shoots without looking. He hits a remarkable number of targets—otherwise JC would have easily killed all of them.
After all his dutiful and faithful service in spite of moral reservations, JC shoots Cooch without explanation as soon as he sees him.
Rommel and JC fight awkwardly for a very long time. Rommel wins and leaves JC on the ground dying and walks away. Of course there’s a gun lying beside JC, who shoots Rommel with it. You could see this coming a mile away. You sort of feel gratified that Rommel got shot after leading his friends to needless slaughter.
Host Segments
Opening: Joel is acting like a mother trying to clean up and get the kids to bed. They really want to stay up for the movie. “That’s what we’re here for!”
Invention exchange: The ‘Bots are still acting like kids and chant “We getta watch the movie.” Joel invents a pet slinky that moves around under it’s own power. It looks like fun! Frank wants one. Clayton invents a slinky tube that he gets inside of and his lower end can be stretched far away from his upper half. Joel is angry that they stole his ideas. Frank explains that it’s because they’re evil.
Host segment 1: Song: "Sidehackin' to the tune of Little Deuce Coupe. Joel and the ‘Bots look like a hip sixties band. The lyrics are cute – “The stupid ones always come in first.”
Host segment 2: Joel shows how sidehacking can be more interesting of they make up terminology for it. They make up some funny and silly terms and rattle them off.
Host segment 3: Joel and the ‘Bots try to celebrate the coolness of Rommel from the movie. Joel says he read a book about him and he is a magnificent bastard. A ship appears with a sidehack on it. It’s Mike as JC from planet “Five the Hard Way.” JC was going to take them down to Earth, but he’s offended because they picked Rommel. “JC” recites some of the goofiest lines from the film.
End: Joel explains how love pads the film and sings a song about it to the tune of an old hymn. They read some letters.
Some funny riffs:
Joel: You know now that sidehacking’s so big it’s interesting to see its humble origins.
The credits get really small as they have the miscellaneous people at the end.
Crow: And the rest!
There are many riffs during the sidehacking race about how the sidehacker’s butt is almost scraping the ground as they go around corners:
Tom: That’s no way to kill hemorrhoids!
All: Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!
Crow: My dog used to do that in the driveway.
Tom: No one’s legs were ground off in the making of this film
Joel: Help! I’m sidehacking and I can’t get up!
Joel: Hold me, please hold me.
Tom: You over there, get back in the frame!
Crow: Hey you should have gone before we left!
A scoreboard appears around the screen. It’s Cambot’s contribution
Boredom 9
Sidehacking 1
Rommel and his girl are frolicking.
Crow: Hey! They’re filming a Kotex ad!
Rommel is kissing the locket Rita gave him. He’s pining for her after she was killed.
Joel: Oh magic lock, take me to the freeway.
He appears at the side of the freeway.
Crow: We used to like to come to the highway!
He walks along the beach swinging a stick.
Joel: We used to club seals together.
He walks by some oil rigs.
Joel: These oil fields seem to remind me of her . . . can’t put my finger on it.
He walks through the field where they used to frolick.
Joel: Oh, who am I trying to kid, it’s no fun without a girl.
Someone gets shot.
Joel: I kind of wish that was the director.