1011 – The Horrors of Spider
Island
éééé
Impressions
This movie was intended to be a titillating horror flick. Lovely ladies killed by creepy spiders and spider-people and so forth. It turns out to me more of a Beach Blanket Bingo meets I was a Teenage Werewolf. It’s badly filmed, poorly executed, and incompetently dubbed. The “spiders” are laugh-out-loud funny to look at. The airplane crashing scene is hilarious and aptly chosen as the stinger. Mike and the ‘Bots do a nice job of poking fun at the misogynistic tone and aimless plot. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this episode.
The spiders weren’t in the movie more than a cumulative total of about 30 seconds. There wasn’t much horror unless you count Gary’s werewolfy face and an occasional spider claw sticking out from a bush. But there was an island, so you do get that. A better title might have been The Sort-of Werewolf vs the Bikini Girls.
Synopsis
A very cool and self-impressed guy named Gary hires a bunch of dancers to dance in a show in Singapore. On the way there, their plane crashes quite aggressively into the Pacific. Gary and his group of lovely ladies end up life-rafting it to a small island, which turns out to have mutant Furby spiders on it. Gary and the girls find a cabin with a dead scientist in it. They toss out the scientist and set up house. Gary wanders off, gets bitten by a spider, and turns into a man with a werewolf head and spider hands. Spider-Gary kills one of the girls but then apparently hibernates for about a month while the girls eat up all the food. As their food is about to run out, two guys come to re-supply the scientist only to discover their wildest dreams have come true! They’re on an island with a bunch of beautiful girls who want their attention. They party for a bit, but the party ends in tragedy when Spider-Gary kills one of the guys. They discover that Spider-Gary doesn’t like to have lit flares shoved into his face, and they chase him, torch-wielding-mob-vs-Frankenstein’s-monster-style, into some quicksand where he sinks. A rescue ship comes and takes them all away.
Host Segments
Segment One: Crow has a column published in the Boston Globe. It’s a list of shallow opinions like “shoelaces are useful.” Pearl has moved the castle to a middle class neighborhood to avoid paying $50 a year for her monkey license. It only cost $2.3 million to move. Brain Guy does the math and it doesn’t work out.
Segment Two: Mike is caught in a giant web about three feet above the SOL floor. Crow keeps pointing out that Mike must have sprinted or pogo-sticked into this quite obvious web. He feels that Mike may have sort of deserved it. A giant spider arm comes for Mike just as they get movie sign.
Segment Three: Mike is Gary watching the auditioning girls with his legs crossed. Like in the movie, if his legs are crossed, he likes the girl. If his legs are apart, he doesn’t. Bobo does a little soft shoe. Mike uncrosses his legs. Brain Guy does the Flashdance routine but the water won’t work so he pours a cup on his head. Mike crosses his legs, which cause Brain Guy to talk smack to Bobo. Pearl does a ballet complete with tutu and Mike crosses his legs. Mike then asks for a little leg. A confused Brain Guy sends one up. Yikes!
Segment Four: Mike causes the SOL to plummet to the ground to see if they will all turn languid and helpless and sex-starved like the girls in the movie. They do!
Closing (Segment Five): Mike is spiderfied after being bitten. He has a brown face and bucked teeth like the guy in the movie. He has one spider claw hand. The ‘Bots point out that he’s 99.9% human. He insists that he’s a spider now. On the ground, Pearl has moved the castle back to the old location because the new neighborhood wouldn’t let her throw trash out the window. Bobo found a bunch of “balloons” in the men’s room vending machine and gives them to Brain Guy.
Stinger: The plane crashing.
Funny Riffs
Crow: Spider Island! Home to the stars!
A guy is trying to park a huge 50s-era car.
Crow: Hey! That guy took his boat on land.
Two girls walk into the audition hand-in-hand.
Mike: It’s a dancer and her seeing-eye dancer.
Not actually a riff:
Gary’s assistant is on the phone after the plane crash. He’s apparently giving the press an update. He says these words. I’m not making this up!
Assistant: There’s absolutely no reason yet to fear the worst. Until now, we only know the plane caught fire and we lost radio contact.
The lifeboat is drifting in the ocean.
Tom: We’ve been in the water for an hour, would you stop chewing on my foot?!
One of the girls climbs out of the water onto the beach, she’s flat on her stomach and doing a belly crawl.
Mike as girl: Let’s pretend we’re evolving.
Crow: An Exxon girl tanker ran aground.
The girls are all lying on the rocky shore.
Tom: The woman is a cold-blooded creature and must lie on rocks to warm up.
Crow: Hot, muddy foreign chick action!
Gary: A hammer with a long handle.
Crow as Gary: That’s me!
The camera shows a dead man hanging in a giant spider web.
Mike: Charlotte’s killing spree.
Gary: Don’t you think I’d rather be in a bar in Singapore with a nice cold drink than to be on this godforsaken place?
Mike as Gary: With eight hot babes?
The southern girl says something in a weird accent.
Tom: Her accent changed 3 times in one sentence.
Gary has favored Georgia up to this point.
One of the other girls approaches him seductively and kisses him.
Georgia sees this and says “Gary!” in a disapproving tone.
Crow as Georgia: Your infidelity mildly irritates me.
Gary: Damned heat! I don’t know what I’m doing any more.
Tom as Gary: Yes, I’ve been unfaithful, but it was like 87 degrees!
Crow: It’s also kind of windy. That, too. And high humidity!
Tom: You see, if it was in the low seventies, I would never have jammed my tongue down her throat.
Gary walks to the beach to observe the thunder and lightning. He’s shirtless and his pants are too high.
Tom as God: Gary, thy Lord commandeth! Tug your pants down a titch and put on a shirt!
The girls are looking for Gary.
Crow: Who will tell us when to eat and when to go to bed?
The surviving girls find the Gary’s first victim dead by the cabin. They kneel around her body anxiously.
Mike as one of the girls: You know Susan, before she died, she told me you were fat.
A ship appears on the horizon.
Tom: Uhh, where should I spill this oil, Captain?
Georgia: Professor Green is dead.
Mike: Well said.
Joe: I’m glad your airplane crashed.
Anne: That’s a nice thing to say!
Mike as Joe: I’m glad your puppy died.
After Joe and Bob fight, Bob wanders off.
Crow: Boy, defending my misogyny really takes commitment.
Gladys rubs Bobby’s head to show that she has arrived, but Bobby falls over dead.
Crow: Finally, the hundreds of STDs take their toll.
Joe: Better dead, than continue living.
Crow: As a general rule, I’m not sure I agree.
Horrors of Spider Island IMDB Page