1008 – Final
Justice
ééé
Things I liked in the movie:
The sheer immensity of one Joe Don Baker.
The words, “You think you can take me? Go ‘head on.”
Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III. That’s really his name! Except it’s pronounced “Heronimo.”
Impressions
Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III is the George W. Bush of cops. You can’t believe he’s really the guy they picked. He kills everyone. He’s full of bravado. He ruins the image of the U.S. on the world scene. And in the end, he thinks he done good. I suppose in the short term, he did.
Synopsis
Joe Don Baker is Thomas Jefferson Geronimo III, a deputy sheriff in some county in Texas. We learn that he’s the “Best damned deputy sheriff in Texas.” This is followed by some bad guys shooting the sheriff right in front of Geronimo, who chases them. The killers escape across the border into Mexico but he kills one of them anyway and then drags the other, a Mr. Polermo, back to Texas for justice. Geronimo is assigned to take Polermo back to Italy for extradition. On the way, Polermo’s gang causes a failure light to come on, which results in an emergency landing in Malta.
That’s the end of the good part.
After the landing in Malta, we are treated to a repetitive cycle of this (probably ripped off from a shampoo bottle):
Geronimo attacks Polermo or one of his men.
Geronimo is either jailed or captured.
He gets out and does it again.
This happens somewhere between eight and one hundred times. Finally, he kills Polermo (huge surprise) and it ends.
Because of the obvious similarity to the movie Mitchell, you might ask what’s the difference? Here are a few of the main differences:
1. Mitchell had catchy, wackajawacka music. Final Justice has boring, forgettable music.
2. Mitchell had a sort of linear plot that ended with Joe Don Baker killing the bad guy on a boat. Final Justice had a repetitive, circular plot that ended with Joe Don Baker killing the bad guy on a boat.
3. In Mitchell, Baker was a big fat slob who dressed like a car salesman. In Final Justice, Baker was a big fat slob who dressed like a parade float.
4. In Mitchell, Baker hooked up with Linda Evans, a superstar. In Final Justice, he never was able to seduce Helena Abella, who was never asked to be in another movie again.
5. In Mitchell, Baker shot about 5 people. In Final Justice, he shot about 6.
6. In Mitchell, Baker’s name was “Mitchell.” In Final Justice, he was named Thomas Jefferson Geronimo, III!
Host Segments
Prologue: Tom Servo reads the lyrics of a Yes! song
that promises that the owner of a lonely heart is much better than the broken
heart. He can’t compare the other types
of hearts and owners. Crow set up a
device that gives a Yes! orchestra hit whenever they say “owner of a lonely
heart.” Pearl is trying to make the
workplace more loose and fun. She’s not
a natural at this.
Second: To complain to Pearl that the movie has a
repeated scene, Mike and the ‘Bots repeat a scene about 10 times in which Mike
trips. Pearl gets mad and promises
never to send another movie with Joe Don Baker in which a small town sheriff
gets shot against the wall in the same shot twice. The crew of the SOL is happy for this small victory.
Third: A wooden goose is singing “I am Goosio --
friend to Maltese children everywhere.”
Crow and Tom object. They attack
Goosio and destroy it. Mike is sad
about the loss of the Maltese folk hero.
Fourth: Crow has prepared a report on Malta—the type
you might have prepared in elementary school.
He goes a little further, though, and savagely mocks Maltese men until
Mike has to stop him.
Final: Gypsy is preparing to launch Mike in an
escape pod. Mike feels entitled because
Joel got to escape after suffering through a bad Joe Don Baker movie. Pearl calls. She’s wearing bright, weird clothes. Bobo went ahead on and dressed up like Joe Don Bake. Brain Guy is dressed in something that looks
like a seventies disco cop stripper outfit.
He didn’t realize it was funny dress up day. He just has a date.
Stinger: Joe Don saying, “You think you can take me? Go ‘head on.”
Funny Riffs
Joe Don Baker: Aw, big fat nada.
Mike as Baker: That’s me.
Polermo and his partner run some poor schmuck off the road. They stop, apparently to exchange information. The schmuck is ranting about the damages in what sounds like Italian. Polermo pulls out a gun and shoots the schmuck.
Mike as Polermo: I’m really sorry. I can’t make another claim on my insurance.
During a flight, a “failure” light comes on. The camera lingers on it.
Tom Servo: This reminds the pilot he’s been a failure in life.
Pilot: I’ll announce it.
Crow as pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m a failure.
Crow: His arteries are just looking at each other, shaking their heads.
Geronimo: Well, thank you little lady!
Crow as Maria: You’re welcome, huge man.
Geronimo squeezes through a tight spot.
Crow: You’ll have to grease me and push me through here.
Geronimo and Polermo have climbed pretty high up a dock structure.
Crow as Geronimo: I’m scared of heights . . . where there’s no food.
Tom: It’s dangerous for Joe Don to be in the water. Someone’s bound to harpoon him.
Geronimo jumps down about 4 feet.
Mike: Yeah, right. Like his shins wouldn’t be protruding through his stomach after that jump.
Geronimo: You think you can take me? Go ‘head on.
Crow: He’s going aheading onning!
There’s a final disco-y song during the credits that they riff on:
Song: You better ruuuuun
Tom: Or he’ll steal your lunch
Song: You better hiiiiiide
Crow: Your luuuuunch
Song: You better ruuuuuun
Mike: Cuz he’s got the runs
Song: He won’t stop til he gets ….
Tom: All your lunch