1003 – Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders
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Things I liked in the movie:
The incredibly rude reporter.
The song “Rock and Roll Martian”
Ernest Borgnine’s belly.
Impressions
Do you love The Princess Bride? Well imagine instead of the grandfather being played by a lovable old Peter Falk, he was instead played by Ernest Borgnine’s belly. Borgnine was there, too, calling down from the top of the belly. Also, the stories read by Borgnine are both crummy and evil, like something the Crypt Keeper would show.
Synopsis
A portly grandfather tells two scary stories to his grandson to entertain him after the power goes out. They both have to do with Merlin’s magic being mismanaged by lay people, and the stories end with little Twilight Zone style twists.
In story one, Merlin loans an arrogant and unnecessarily hostile journalist his spell book to take home as proof that magic is real. Consistent with his unexplained hatred of all mankind, the jerky journalist tells his wife in various ways that they will never have sex and she will never have a baby. He takes the book home and reads some spells and discovers that magic is real. In a Roman mythology sort of twist, the use of magic ages him about 50 years and causes him to become mad. To get young again, he uses a rejuvenation spell, which turns him into a baby. His wife is delighted to have a baby, evil journalist is gone, the story is over--everybody wins! (Tom Servo: “Based on a story by Sigmund Freud.”)
We hope the movie is over now, but Borgnine’s grandson doesn’t want him to stop so he moves on to a story about an evil monkey. In this story, a burglar steals Merlin’s demon-possessed, wind-up monkey toy. The burglar hocks the monkey and a nice, loving family buys it for their retarded son. The retarded son sings “Rock and roll Martian!” at the monkey. This makes the monkey angry and he magically kills all their plants and pets. The dad figures out that the monkey is the cause of all the death with help from the world’s most condescending psychic. He buries the monkey in a field, barely escaping with his life after some supernatural hijinks. Finally, the death stops and tthe house becomes peaceful again. To end the story, the kid’s grandmother comes to visit. She brings a gift—the monkey! Boo hoo ha ha ha!
Host Segments
Prologue: Mike and the ‘Bots are performing goofy stunts. Mike is swallowing goldfish and Tom is stuffing clones of himself into phone booths. Crow is sitting on top of a flagpole. Pearl got an experiment idea from the institute of mad science. If you put someone in power, they’ll turn despotic, but if you put fire ants in their underwear, they’ll give up their power. She tries this out on them.
Second: Tom and Crow have decided niche reviewing makes money since the ugly mean guy in the movie reviews stores and he’s famous. Crow and Tom decide to review each other. The reviews turn negative.
Third: Tom is proving to Mike that magic works. He has Merlin’s book. He plans to levitate an egg. There is a problem and the spell turns Mike into an adult-sized baby.
Fourth: Mike ordered the whole series of Ernest Borgnine’s children’s books. They sound whimsical, but they’re horrific.
Final: Mike and the ‘Bots have gotten a present from Pearl. It’s a giant evil monkey like in the movie. Except it screws up and reveals itself to be Bobo. Pearl analyzes their level of pain and determines she needs to send progressively worse movies.
Stinger: The boy with the eyeball glasses on, making the evil monkey’s hands clap and singing in a weird voice, “Rock and roll Martian.”
Funny Riffs
Credits show “Ernest Borgnine.”
Crow: The mystical wonder is that he’s in a movie.
The camera shows the sky. A star twinkles.
Servo grunting: Twinkle. That’s all I can manage.
Mike summarizes the story in Borgnine’s voice after about 20 minutes.
Mike: So Billy, by this time a kid had grown a chicken while an infertile couple had looked at a store.
Wife: I spoke to Dr. Collins
Husband: Oh yeah, what did that quack have to say?
Mike as wife: He blamed your wiener.
Husband drinks a potion made with his wife’s blood. He looks like he has an idea and leaves the room.
Crow as husband: Some chicken in a biscuit would be PERFECT with this!
The husband takes the rejuvenation potion and turns into a baby. His wife, who has been wanting a baby, happily picks him up and carries him off.
Tom: Based on a story by Sigmund Freud.
Merlin’s wife is very fat. She tries to strike a pose, but keeps moving her hand around her face.
Tom: Which chin should I put my hand on?
A woman looks in the window of an antique store.
Crow as woman: I love the selection here at Crap ‘n Stuff.
A character is quietly noticing all the dead plants in his kitchen. This goes on for a few minutes.
Servo: Borgnine’s grandson is really bored by now
Mike as Borgnine: He puttered around the kitchen for a while and got himself a cold drink.
A little boy is watching cartoons.
Crow: Just killing time until video games are invented.
As Merlin stops the monkey and the ridiculous plot is complete.
Servo: Come on, Grandpa Borgnine!
No wonder you never sold this turkey.
Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders IMDB Page