1002 – Girl in Gold Boots
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Things I liked in the movie:
The dancing.
A diner called “Eat.”
Critter’s affinity for talking in King James.
Impressions
This is a bad movie, no doubt, and the riffing is decent. The movie is so slow and dorky that I’m not sure the riffing is even needed. But overall, it’s a pretty funny combination of “Huh?s” and mockery.
Synopsis
Michelle is trapped in a small town, working as a waitress in her father’s diner, named “Eat.” Her father is an abusive drunk. She dreams of becoming a dancer and dances in the diner lobby to music on the juke box.
Michelle is rescued by a bad boy, Buzz, who takes her to California with the promise of making her a star. His sister is a dancer in LA and he hopes her connections will help. They pick up an Elvissy hitchhiker, Critter, on the way. Buzz and Critter compete for Michelle’s attention and it’s clear she favors Critter, but she has to stick with Buzz if she wants her shot at becoming a star. They have various clumsy misadventures on the way, none of which have anything to do with anything. One of these is a ridiculous plastic dune buggy ride.
The trio arrives in LA and Michelle auditions for a role as a dancer by having seizures on a stage next to Buzz’s sister. (Crow: How do you NOT get hired as a dancer here?) Leo, the owner, takes a fancy to Michelle. He dumps Buzz’s sister, Joannie, and replaces her with the younger, prettier Michelle. Michelle is on top of the world.
Leo, the club owner, is also selling drugs and uses Buzz to do the selling. Buzz ropes Leo into a scam to steal a large stash of pot. Critter decides to leave when he finds out the Leo is selling drugs out of the club but Leo won’t let him now that he knows too much. Critter beats up all the bad guys and calls the police.
Critter and Michelle get married and Critter joins the Army. He finishes the movie off with a corny song while Michelle has a seizure on the beach.
Host Segments
Prologue: Tom and Crow try to show each other up with their progressively longer WW_D? bracelets. Pearl is trying to become a fully accredited mad scientist. She has an inspector from the accreditation board observing her methods. She wants some help from Mike and company to seem mad enough. She abuses Brain Guy and Bobo and the inspector seems pleased.
Second: Crow is wearing a leather jacket and is going to pour beer on Mike’s most beloved objects. He needs Mike to help by telling him his most beloved objects. Mike tells him that would be his beer stein and Crow himself.
Third: Crow has some long robot gams and gold boots. He’s doing some sexy dancing on the counter. He throws his bikini at Mike and talks cool. Mike is not aroused.
Fourth: Mike is singing in the rain like Critter complete with bad lip-syncing.
Crow appears in superimposed cameos like Michelle did in the movie.
Final: Mike and the ‘Bots are dressed in tuxes like the thug in the movie. On the ground, the inspector tells Pearl she didn’t even qualify for a guest spot on Beakman’s World until he sees Brain Guy dancing idiotically like the girls in the movie. He finds that it’s so horrifying, if harnessed, it could be used to rule the world!
Stinger: Joannie saying, “I wish I had that pretty mind back.”
Funny Riffs
Dad: Don’t get smart!
Michelle: I’m not getting smart!
Crow: I can’t!
Earlier in the movie, Michelle’s dad slapped her.
As they leave the diner, she goes back to get something.
Crow: I’m going to get a good-bye slap from Dad.
Due to bad editing, Buzz appears suddenly in the scene.
Crow: Come on, I just teleported here! It’s impressive!
Michelle: Critter, stop teasing me, I want you to take me seriously for once.
Mike as Critter: OK, little nummyhead.
Leo makes Buzz hand over his pistol.
Tom: Somewhere Charlton Heston is weeping.
During the dancing lessons
Mike: And convulse, and one, and convulse!
During a boring party
Crow: Man, if it gets any wilder, a bridge game is going to break out!
Crow: Oh my goodness! She’s hepped up on the drugs.
Mike: She makes Elaine Bennis look like a good dancer.
Tom: Do the wounded turkey!
Critter is singing in the rain. A superimposed image of Michelle’s head appears.
Crow as Michelle: I can’t go out with you because I’m considerably bigger than you.
Leo: Where’s my money.
Mike as Buzz: I spent it all on these magic beans!
Joannie: I had a pretty mind!
Crow: Then my mind had babies and got stretch marks.
Joannie passes out from drugs.
Critter: Somebody had better call a doctor!
Leo: Nobody’s
calling a doctor.
Crow as Leo: I’m a Christian Scientist