1001 – Soultaker
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Things I liked in the movie:
The guy with the catcher’s mitt face.
The midnight deadline for life-support. This must be an insurance thing.
Impressions
This might be the newest movie panned by MST3K. It was made in 1990. I think the first time I watched it was about 1999, so that was probably the shortest release-to-ridicule gap I’ve participated in. I think the movie poster says it all, “A moving and powerful film experience.” So you’re expecting Schindler’s List or Saving Private Ryan. But what you get is more like Halloween without the terror (moving) and Gremlins without the gremlins (powerful). According to the crew, Vivian Schilling wrote the screenplay so she could star in it. That explains a lot. It seems like everyone in this movie bears a strong resemblance to a famous person (Martin Sheen, Tanya Harding, Bob Vila, John Stamos, Jim McMahon) and a lot of jokes are centered around that, especially the Tanya Harding resemblance. The externals of this movie (film quality, sound quality, editing, camera work) are not distracting like a lot of the older episodes. It’s just the bad acting and direction that make this one funky. The host segments were bland and forgettable like most of the tenth season ones.
A flickery Joe Estevez steals a guy’s soul without so much as a thank you. A stupid Jim McMahon guy drinks Jack Daniels straight out of the bottle while driving on the wrong side of the road. I think these two have a date with fate. We meet a John Stamos look-alike (Zach) who loves the Tanya Harding look-alike (Natalie). She’s (as the ‘Bots put it) upper middle class and he’s lower middle so they can’t be lovers.
Everyone gathers at a gloomy balloon-infested affair called “summerfest” at which the local troubled teens get drunk and run off in random pairs. Five kids get into Jim McMahon’s car and drive 100 MPH into a tree because Joe Estevez, apparently short on his soul quota, stepped into the road and caused the driver to swerve and crash. The four main characters find themselves apparently unhurt, but it’s later revealed that they’re not dead, just mostly dead, but their souls were knocked clean out of their bodies! Their souls are free-roaming now.
A guy with a catcher’s mitt for a face tells Joe Estevez he has to chase them around if he wants to make quota and to make sure the plot works, he has to abide by the laws of time and space. He catches the teens milling around the wreck and collects the Jim McMahon look alike. The other three, having been suddenly infused with genius, run away. We cut to a paramedic who was treating McMahon and he’s straight-lining. Get it? If Estevez catches them, their bodies die.
Estevez catches Natalie, but can’t bring himself to take her soul because she reminds him of a former girlfriend in what appears to be the 1700s. He walks a leisurely 2 MPH, but the kids still can’t seem to evade him, prompting Tom Servo to remind them, “Remember, you need only walk briskly to get away.” The movie tells us repeatedly that no one can see the wandering soul people but when they run to Natalie’s house, her mom can see her. Later on, we discover “mom” is really Joe Estevez using his powers of transmogrification to spy on his past lover.
Zach and Natalie hurry to the hospital to get back into their bodies. Estevez follows them and tricks them into splitting up. He traps Natalie on an elevator and Zach is left to run around trying to find their bodies. For reasons known only to the screenwriter, the life support will be shut off at midnight, so they have 10 minutes to stop it. A couple of “huh?s” and “what the?s” later Zach gets their souls back in and Estevez has to pay the penalty for presumption, and we all know how painful that can be.
Host Segments
Intro: The ‘Bots are having a wet t-shirt contest. It’s t-shirts in pans of water. They’re measuring the absorbency. Crow doesn’t get what the big deal is about these things. Mike calls for a commercial to give him time to explain, but the camera won’t leave. There’s a short in the commercial sign button. A foreign craft appears outside the SOL. The downlink is interrupted by Martin Van Buren’s picture. In fact, everything is malfunctioning, including Gypsy, who gets hostile. Mike calls the Mads for help, but after deep introspection, they inform him that they are unfortunately unable to care.
Segment two: Malfunctions continue. The mysterious ship is keeping pace. The ‘Bots demand leadership from Mike, so he issues a bunch of impossible commands like raise shields and arm photon torpedoes. The ‘Bots see through this.
Segment three: Mike and the ‘Bots happily assert that they’ve fixed all the malfunctions. No sooner said than oxygen masks fall from the ceiling and the satellite tips crazily. Pearl can’t help because a soultaker is attacking Bobo. Brain Guy swats at him with a broom. Pearl “saves” Bobo by knocking him violently to the floor. The soultaker chokes and coughs and it turns out that it’s just TV’s Frank. He abused his angelic powers after he died so they transferred him to soultaking. They check in on the SOL and they’re plummeting to earth. The camera cuts back to Frank and Pearl and they seem stunned. Frank says, “I can’t believe it! This gordita is delicious!” Frank and Pearl decide to catch up over some General Foods International Coffee. The SOL is saved by the mysterious ship.
Segment four: Tom and Crow are on the SOL bridge. There’s a beeping alarm. Tom poetically describes their situation. Orbit decaying. Mysterious craft hovering nearby. Crow says they’re toying with us and demands, “What do you want, you demons?” Joel enters! He explains that Dr. F sabotaged the SOL so the major components would self-destruct in 10 years. He’s there to fix it. He gives a brief summary of his life after escaping. He’s now managing a hot fish shop. Mike is envious. Tom says, “Don’t compare yourself Mike, it ain’t healthy.”
Joel gives an accounting of his repairs. TV’s Frank is in Deep 13! He’s a soul stealer now and needs Joel’s soul. Joel leaves without giving it up. Pearl offers Frank her soul but he doesn’t want to impose. Brain Guy doesn’t have one. He finally takes Bobo’s soul and they play ring toss with it.
Stinger: “Mom” watching Natalie through the bathroom door with a pervy smirk.
Funny Riffs
In the opening credits, an old man dies. The monitor shows the flat line.
Mike: This is your brain on death. Any questions?
The credits say “Starring Joe Estevez.”
Crow: Does anything
really star Joe Estevez? Isn’t it
an oxymoron?
Natalie is brushing her hair and smiling into a mirror. She looks like Tanya Harding.
Mike as Natalie: You’re dead, Nancy Kerrigan!
Bob Vila is mowing his lawn. Two teens pleasantly greet him and he ignores them. They drive away pretty normally. Bob shakes his head with disapproval.
Tom Servo as Bob Vila: Kids today. Putting their cars in reverse and backing
carefully out of driveways.
A man with a strange large face who appears to be Joe Estevez’ soultaking supervisor is shown.
Crow: God! He’s a catcher’s mitt with eyes!
Later, he looks at Joe Estevez and the camera shows him considering Joe’s last comment.
Crow as large faced guy: Man that guy’s got a small face.
Zach catches the eye of Natalie and smiles at her.
Tom Servo as Zach: You’re a girl and stuff. Heh heh.
Joe Estevez puts his hand close to the dead person’s chest (he does this when he’s extracting the electricity-like soul from the victim.
Crow as Joe Estevez: Does this bug you? I’m not touching you.
Joe Estevez looks troubled when he discovers the teens’ souls aren’t in their bodies in the wrecked car.
Mike: This is what happens when death is run by low-level bureaucrats.
Joe Estevez looks anxious.
Mike: Man, my monthly soul count is really tankin’. I’m never gonna win that set of steak knives.
A tow truck drives past with lights flashing.
Zach: What’s that?!
Mike: It’s a moose. What do you think it is??!!
Zach and Natalie are saying goodbye for well over a minute.
Crow as girl: Zach, goodbyes are more effective when someone leaves.
The movie shows some EMTs apparently working on the main actress.
Crow as EMT: We’ve got a screenwriter. She needs a coffee drip. STAT!
Natalie’s mom turns into Joe Estevez and after half-strangling Zach, throws him out the window. Natalie runs down and checks on him.
Mike as Zach: Your mom is weird.
Zach: Your mom is fine.
Natalie: What?!
Mike as Zach: Hey, look, you wrote this crap!
A bus pulls away and Joe Estevez was behind it.
Tom Servo in low dramatic voice: Bus-taker!
The soul collection devices are small rings that look like condoms. A former friend turned death angel gives Zach and Natalie two of them to help them put their souls back into their bodies. He says, “Here, you better bring a couple of these, you might need ‘em.”
Crow: If you can’t be careful, name it after me, man.
Time is almost up. Natalie is wasting time screaming. Finally she kisses Zach.
Tom as Natalie: I’d rather make out than live.
Arcane riff. A nurse is pushing a wheeled appliance.
Crow: Wheeling Captain Pike down the hall.