If anyone had told me six months ago, how happy I would be now, I would never have believed them. In fact I would have probably bitten their head off, for putting such false, outlandish hopes in my mind. Back then; I couldn��t really see any kind of future for myself, well not a very bright one anyway.
I��ve spent most of my life just existing, waiting, and hoping for the day when I met that special someone who would sweep me off my feet. As I hit my forties, I started to think that that day would never come. Sure, there were times when I thought that maybe I had found my prince. Steve for one was a very nice man, but he could never really accept the fact that I was a police officer.
But that all changed a couple of years ago, when I got together with Jim. Oh sweet Jim, the man I had known for years as both a friend and colleague. I had spent years looking for what had been right under my nose all along. But although we really loved each other, it was all over in less than a year. The passion that had initially brought us together, ultimately ripped us apart. In a vain attempt to save things, I proposed to him. He turned me down, claiming that he was scared of commitment. A month later however, I get back from holiday, to find out that he had got engaged to someone else! That didn��t stop me from caring about him though, and I felt helpless as his new wife beat the spirit out of him.
Jim eventually saw sense though, and got out of that relationship. At the same time however, events in my own life caused me to hit an all time low. Desperate to try and get over Jim, I started to date a probationer at work. I was flattered, well who wouldn��t be if a much younger man took an interest in you? We went out for a few months, and while it wasn��t special like it was with Jim, I had started to feel a bit more positive about the future, and myself.
Then one day, my world came crashing down on me. Somehow Jim had found out about Gabriel and myself, and they had a huge row in the canteen, when Jim asked him about his intentions towards me. Suddenly everyone in the station knew about us, and while I was a little embarrassed, part of me felt a little pride in the fact that my nickname of ��Saint June�� wasn��t really appropriate anymore.
At the end of the shift Gina called me into her office for a word. I thought that I was in trouble for having another relationship with a subordinate, especially when I saw the look on her face as I entered her office. I had gone in there all guns blazing, ready to defend myself against a woman who had made no secret of her dislike for me in the past. Her reply to my defence still haunts me to this day. Hardly able to look me in the face, she said, ��there is no easy way to say this, but Gabriel is your son!��
I cannot accurately recall what happened next, because my whole body was shaking, and my mind struggled to come to terms with what I was hearing. How could he be? Yes it was true; I did have a son when I was a lot younger, one that I had not seen since he was a tiny baby. But what are the chances of that same child turning up at your place of work, and then falling for you? I argued that point with Gina, but she told me that he had come here looking for me. Well that was too much for me to take, the thought that he had had a relationship with me, knowing��
Sorry, I still find it hard, even six months later to come to terms with all of this. But it��s like Jim says; if you keep things bottled up inside, then it eats away at you, and things feel a whole lot worse. At this point, I ran as fast as I could out of the station, rushing past several people as I went. They called out to me, concerned, but I didn��t really notice them. I ran straight to my car, and sat, head on the steering wheel, crying my heart out.
I didn��t even notice Jim open the passenger��s door, and get into the car with me. I suddenly felt the warmth of his hand gently touch my cheek, but I pulled away sharply. ��What on earth is wrong June, I have never seen you this upset before?�� Initially I couldn��t respond, I was too lost in my devastation to be able to string anything meaningful together. Eventually I managed to blurt out, ��just go away, this is all your fault!�� I didn��t mean it, but I was far too hurt to be able to think things through rationally. I desperately didn��t want to speak to anyone at that moment, but to my amazement he didn��t say anything. I guess that he knew me so well, that he sensed that there must be something seriously wrong for me to be this upset. About thirty seconds had passed, before I tried to get rid of him again. I said some really nasty things, things that I am not proud of. His reaction to this was a calm one. He said that I couldn��t push him away, no matter what I said, and that he would take me home. I suggested that he could hardly just walk out of work like this, but he said that right now that was the last thing on his mind. So I reluctantly agreed, looking back now I am really glad that I did, otherwise I might have done something very stupid indeed.
We didn��t speak on the way home, and when I got there, I went straight for the bottle of whiskey that I had in the kitchen. I downed a large glass full before even leaving the kitchen. I then sat down on the sofa, glass in hand; determined to block out the pain I was feeling. I had completely forgotten that Jim was there. At first he just watched me, but when he realised that I wasn��t going to stop drinking, he for the first time raised his voice to me. ��That will not help, problems don��t just go away at the bottom of a bottle you know!��
��Well you should know!�� I snapped. Then I took another large mouthful in defiance. Jim tried to grab the glass off me, and in the struggle the glass smashed. ��Look what you��ve done!�� I shouted ��What gives you men the right to do exactly what you want, just get out!�� I screamed.
��What has Gabriel done?��
��I don��t want to talk about it, now are you deaf, just get out!�� I grabbed him by the coat, and physically pushed him out of the house. He didn��t leave though, he just watched me through the window, as I set about in my aim to forget, as quickly as possible.
I don��t know how long had gone by, twenty or maybe thirty minutes, before Jim let himself back into my house. I had calmed slightly by then, and the alcohol had taken away my reluctance to talk. So I told him everything, including the truth about Gabriel��s conception. By the end we were both crying, and I could sense the anger that he felt. I think that part of him wanted to go and find Gabriel, and punch the living daylights out of him. Instead he held me in his arms, and at that point I never wanted him to let go.
About a minute past before Jim finally asked, ��how come you never told me that you had had a baby, I thought that we were close?��
��I guess I was ashamed, and to be honest I was trying to push it to the back of my mind.��
��You have nothing to be ashamed about! You didn��t ask to be raped!��
��I should have been more careful, walking through a park alone, that late at night, was just asking for trouble. I did try and tell you so many times, but I didn��t want to upset you.��
��June, I want you to promise me something. We might not be together anymore, but I care for you so much. Promise me that if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, please come to me, any time. I will always be there for you.��
��Thanks Jim, that means a lot to me. Please will you stay with me tonight, I really don��t think that I could face being alone just yet.�� That night Jim and I stayed up for hours talking. He spent the night in my bed, holding me, making me feel safe.
At work Gina covered for the both of us, so that we didn��t get into any trouble with the Super. I was granted some sick leave, so that I could sort myself out. Jim, when not at work, spent most of his time at mine. I was very grateful for his support, as I don��t think that I could have got through those initial few weeks without him. Jim even persuaded me to see a counsellor, something that I wish I had done all those years ago. Jim had been a great help to me, but there were certain feelings that I had to get off my chest, which would have hurt Jim too much. Also as I was beginning to feel a little better, there were my feelings towards Jim to confront. I had to be careful that I wasn��t becoming too reliant on him.
I returned to work a month later, and at first I found it a real struggle. For a start there were my colleagues questions to deal with. As far as every one was concerned I had been ill, and I found it hard to keep up the lies. Gina was driving me mad too; she kept giving me all the mundane, easy stuff to do. I just wanted to stay busy, to try to keep my mind off things. Then there was Gabriel to deal with. He had come round to my house one day when I was off, but Jim wouldn��t let him see me. I knew though that I couldn��t avoid him forever.
Gabriel tried to confront me many times, but each time I managed to give him the slip. However one day when Gina was off, I was paired to work with him, to patrol the Cockcroft. I considered trying to throw a sicky, after all people did think that I had been quite ill recently. However I realised that I couldn��t avoid him forever, so I decided to get it over and done with. As a precaution, I made sure that I was driving, and as we got into the car he confronted me. I promised him that we could talk as soon as we got to the estate, and there was a dreadful silence as I drove to our destination.
I parked up in the estates main car park, reluctant to pull up anywhere that was too secluded. After all, how could I trust a man who would sleep with his own mother? He wanted to know why I had given him up as a baby, so I told him about the rape. However that didn��t seem to justify my actions in his head, he still wouldn��t accept that I had done the right thing. He told me about his childhood, about the fact that his father used to drink heavily, and beat him. I felt really bad about this, and for a second I thought that we could reach an understanding and that I could persuade him to leave Sun Hill. But on mentioning this possibility, he got angry. He hit me across the face, and called me a heartless bitch. As I tried to defend myself, he grabbed hold of my wrist & roughly kissed me. Before I knew it he had his hand under my skirt, and he was trying to pull at my knickers. As I did so, I managed to kick out at him, and I got him to loosen his grip on me. I opened the car door, and ran for it. He chased after me, but luckily I knew the estate like the back of my hand, and I was able to find somewhere to hide. Once I was sure that he was gone, I phoned Jim for help. It was a very long ten minutes I can tell you, waiting for him to arrive. But when he did, I just collapsed into his arms, and he took me straight home.
Jim wanted me to report Gabriel, but I just couldn��t face the thought of everyone knowing my business. I had made my mind up to leave Sun Hill, to get away from my nightmare, and there was nothing that Jim could say to change my mind. The next day I called in sick and apparently Jim had a big fight with Gabriel in the men��s changing room. Gabriel was quite badly hurt, and Tony had to stop him from going too far. When called in front of the Super, Gabriel refused to report Jim. Instead he resigned, and thankfully that was the last we ever saw of him.
That night Jim and I did something that in retrospect was stupid. Buoyed by the feelings we had for each other, we slept together. The next morning however, we agreed to forget about it. Neither of us were ready for a relationship, Jim for one had still not properly got over his marriage to Marie. For the next couple of weeks, our relationship was a little strained, although he still made a point of having his lunch with me every day.
About a month later we agreed to go out to dinner together. We went to a very posh restaurant on the High Street. It was really expensive, but Jim was determined to pay for the meal. Jim will never change; he will always be a true gentleman. I think we both wanted us to get back together, although all we could do is list the reasons why we shouldn��t. I wanted us to get together not because we were settling for each other, and I also didn��t want it to be like it was before, passionate, but full of arguments. Eventually we agreed to take things slowly, we wanted this to work, and in order to achieve this, we knew that we couldn��t rush into things.
Well it��s funny how life takes an unexpected twist, just when you think that things had started to settle down. I had been feeling really tired lately, and had been sick on and off for a couple of weeks. I thought that I had picked up a bug or something, and when it didn��t appear to shake itself off, I reluctantly agreed to go to the doctors, at Jim��s insistence. Well to say that I was shocked at what she had to say was an understatement. Pregnant at the age of 46! At first I was scared that it could be Gabriel��s, but once I realised that it couldn��t possibly be, I got rather excited! I had thought that the chance of having a family of my own had passed me by, and the thought of it being Jim��s filled me with such joy! After the initially high though, I was gripped with fear. I knew that the risk of miscarriage was very high at my age, so I decided not to tell anyone until the initial three-month danger period had passed. I knew how much Jim wanted children, and I didn��t want to get his hopes if they were to be cruelly dashed.
Keeping it a secret for the next couple of months proved difficult. Jim was worried about the fact that I didn��t seem to be getting any better, and the more tired I felt, the worse my moods got. It really put a strain on our relationship, which was only just starting to rebuild itself. Hiding it at work was difficult to. Running around chasing criminals is difficult enough at my age anyway, and constantly being sick didn��t really help matters. Although most people thought that something was up, I doubt that any one suspected that I was pregnant! After a couple of weeks though, I realised that I was risking the baby��s life by carrying on like this, so I decided to tell Gina. To say that she was shocked was an understatement. But I think that she was secretly pleased for me, and she agreed to keep it to herself.
Well I managed to reach the three-month mark a couple of months ago, and my relief was overwhelming. When Gina had put me on light duties, Jim had started to get really worried about me. He thought that I was hiding some serious illness from him, so I was relieved that I felt finally able to tell him. I took him back to the same restaurant that we had been to a couple of months back, and after we had ordered, I told him that I had something to tell him. I think he was a bit worried when I said that, so he grabbed my hand and told me that what ever it was, he loved me so much. I realised that I better not spin this out as I had planned, so I just blurted it out. Jim��s jaw dropped, I could see how surprised he was. ��Pregnant? You can��t be, your well rather mature aren��t you?�� I laughed at that remark; I was going to have to get used to such comments! ��How far gone are you? When did you find out?�� he asked.
��Well I am three months gone. I have known for a couple of months, but I didn��t want to tell you until I had passed the most dangerous period.�� Jim��s eyes then lit up in shear delight, I don��t think I will ever forget the look on his face at that moment. What Jim said next, took me by surprise too. ��You will marry me won��t you?��
��You what?�� was all I could manage in response.
��I was going to ask you anyway. I had already bought a ring; I will show you the receipt if you don��t believe me! I was just going to wait for the right time. Please say you will, you can take as much time as you like to think about it.�� But I knew what my answer would be straight away. ��Of course I will!�� I replied.
��Oh June, you have made me the happiest man in the world! I love you so much, come here.�� He stood up, and reached over the table to kiss me. As he did so, the whole restaurant started to applaud. It was the best night of my life, a night I will remember forever.
We told everyone at work a month later; we decided to host a barbecue at my place to celebrate. Well I say my place, but in fact it was now our place! Jim stood up and made our double announcement with a big grin on his face. As expected everyone was shocked, particularly about the baby, but I could tell that everyone was really pleased for us. Gina took quite a delight in revelling in the fact that ��Saint June�� had got pregnant out of wedlock.
Initially we thought about having a quick wedding, but I have waited so long for this to happen, and I really want to do it properly, once our daughter has arrived. Anyway it will give me something to do when I go on maternity leave next month. I have to be honest and say that I am a little scared about the prospect of becoming a mother. But I know that Jim will be such a wonderful dad, and together I am sure that we can face anything that life throws at us