LOOK BEYOND THE WALL
by Brad Wilcox, Assistant Professor, Brigham Young University

The Berlin Wall was high, covered with barbed wire, and plastered with "Keep Out" signs.  It was built to keep people isolated.  On my desk is a small chunk of the Berlin Wall--apiece of concrete with an inch-long piece of barbed wire.  The concrete has some fading colors on one side. It may seem a strange choice for a desk-top decoration, but it serves to remind me that walls can come down.

In order to bring down a wall, we must first look beyond the wall.  One young woman I'll call Torrey didn't like another girl in her ward named Lisa.  Torrey felt they had nothing in common, and the two had argued since they were Primary age.  One year at camp, Torrey told some of the other girls that she wished Lisa would just "go inactive like the rest of her family."

The cruel comment was overheard by one of the adult leaders standing outside Torrey's tent.  She quickly invited Torrey to join her for a walk. Once they were away from the group, the leader asked Torrey about her comment.

"Well, it's true!" said Torrey defensively.  "I can't stand her.  She thinks she is better than everyone.  And the way she fixes her hair is so ugly.  She listens to the dumbest music and that's all she ever talks about."

The leader said, "Don't you realize all of that--the distance, the hair, the music--is just a cry for attention?  She doesn't think she is better than you, she's just scared of being rejected and hurt."

Torrey folded her arms defiantly and looked away.

"I remember when that family joined the Church." The leader went on to explain some of the girl's background and why her parents stopped coming to church.

Torrey's attitude softened as she heard some of the difficulties this girl had faced.  "Well, why didn't she just tell us all that?"

"In a way, she is telling you," the leader explained.  "It's like when a baby cries, and you  don't know why.  You try changing her.  Still she cries.  You try feeding her, rocking her.  You think, 'I can't figure this kid out!  I wish she could just talk to me and tell me what she wants.' That's the way it is with Lisa too.  She is giving off signals, and we have to figure out what she really needs.  In her own way, Lisa is still crying like a baby.  But now, the tears are inside."

Elder Marvin J. Ashton made this comment while speaking at a regional representatives' seminar: "I hear... people crying to us when they don't even know they are crying" (Oct. 4, 1973).  Do you like me?  Do you care? Am I a priority in your life?  Such questions rarely come directly from others, but they do come.  Often the most important part of communication is to hear what ISN'T being said.  That's how we look beyond the walls people build around themselves.

Walls can come tumbling down--even the highest ones.  If you don't believe me, I have a little piece of the Berlin Wall on my desktop I'd like to show you.

Original Source: Tips for Tackling Teenage Troubles by Brad Wilcox (Deseret Book, 1998), pp. 56-58.