*If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box?
*When a cow laughs does milk come out his nose?
*If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick teflon to the pan?
*What's another word for thesaurus?
*What do they sterilize the neeldes for the lethal injections?
*Why is the word abbreviation such a long word?
*Why is there an expiration date on the sour cream container?
*Why do kamikaze piolets wear helmets?
*How do you know when to tune you bagpipes?
*Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because they taste funny?
*When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn?
*Do blink Eskimos have seeing eye seld dogs?
*Do they have reserved parking for non hanicapped people at the special olympics?
*If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
*Why doesnt glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
*Can fat people go skinny dipping?
*If you sell a book about failures and it doesnt sell is it a success?
*If a cop arrest a mime do they tell him he had the right to remain silent?
*When it rains why dont sheep shrink?
*Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
*Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
*Do hungy cows have ravenous appetites?
*Why do people say "tuna fish?" they dont say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird"
Words to live by...
*If at first you dont succeed destroy all evidence that you tried.
*Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.
*For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
*He who hesitates is probably right
*Success always occurs in private and faliure always occurs in full view.
*To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
*Two wrongs are only the beginning.
*The sooner you fall behind the more time youll have to catch up.
*If you cant be a good example youll just have to be a horrible warning.
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
* On the keyboard of life always keep one finger on the escape key.
*Someday well look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
*Good news is just lifes way of keeping you off balance.
*Stupidity got us into this mess why cant it get us out?
*Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
*I considerd atheism but there werent enough holidays.
*I always wanted to be a procrastinator but never got around to it.
*Dijon Vu- the same mustard as before.
*I plan on living forever so far so good.
*Not afraid of heights afraid of widths.
*A day without sunshine is like night.
*I have kleptomania but when it gets bad i take something for it.
Amusing Facts...
*A common custom in Spain is to eat one grape for each of the last 12 seconds of each year.
*27% of women who win the lottery put the winnning tickets in thier bras.
*1 out of 350,000 americans get electrocuted in their lifetime.
*45% of americans dont know the sun is a star.
*96% of people put the peanut butter one first when they make a pb&j.
*A man once sued a docter because he lived longer then the doctor had said he would.
*In France it is against the law for another person to kiss someone on railroads.
*In Israel, it is illegal to pick your nose on the Sabbath.
*In Quebec, Canada, an old law states that margarine has to be a different color then butter.
*In Singapore, it is illegal to own or sell gum.
*In the 1985 Boise, Idaho mayoral election, there were four write-ins for Mr. Potato Head.
*Being unmarried can shorten a man's life by ten years.
*In China, September 20 is national "Love Your Teeth Day"
*In New York City approximately 16,000 people are bitten by other humans.
*The average four year old asks about 400 questions everyday.
*The average day is actually 23 hours, 56 minutes, and 4.09 seconds. We have a leap year every four years to make up for this shortfall.
*The Christmas season actually beings after sunset on December 24th and lasts unitl Janurary 5. This is also known as the twelve days of Christmas