The Other War on Terror

            My fellow Americans, there has been an extreme terrorist action in Great Britain. A terrorist squirrel has carried out a sinister plot. The enemy struck with malicious intent, biting innocent people, and rendered outdoor activities dangerous. The plot was enacted with total disregard to age or gender; it was done solely on the fact that the victims were people. We will not stand for such actions, and yet in the continuation of these actions we will not deviate from our state of normalcy. Do not let the squirrels win by changing your daily life.

            Those responsible for the terrorist activities in England are being brought to justice. The perpetrator of these violent crimes was brought to justice quickly and swiftly by the military might of a man with a shotgun. But we cannot let this lull us into a false sense of security. Just because the minion was taken down does not mean future attacks will not occur. We must hunt down the criminal mastermind, Mikhail Andrejevich Nutzov, who designed the attacks, and his I’ll Bitecha terrorist network. These evildoers must be found and killed by any means necessary. I plan to create a special, and permanent agency for the sole purpose of gathering information on the plans of the terrorists, so we can alert the public before a suspected attack occurs. Another agency will be created that will arm and mobilize forces to carry out our counter-terrorist measures to prevent anything like this from happening ever again.

            I also plead with the American people to be watchful. The I’ll Bitecha terrorist organization has thousands of sleeper cells in place throughout the world, many right here in the United States. We need information on their movements and plans. If you see anything out of the ordinary in your community, please do not hesitate to call our tip hotline at 1-800-IH8-SQRLS. The best way for us to overcome this menace is to have your help. Good night and God bless.

JBK

C.A.S. President