I Have Found the Devil in
South Carolina,
In my wonderings of the world, well okay, the US, I have found that demons do exist. They are practically everywhere you go, they live in the trees and bushes around you. Their existence is to tease you, annoy you, and to be just downright bothersome. But nobody seems notice their evilness at first glance. Maybe it’s because of their “cute bushy tails”. Yes, I’m talking about squirrels, those little gray, devious animals that you see in your neighborhood.
John McLean was incorrect in his lyric saying that “the fire is the devil’s only friend”, because he has squirrels on his side, too. These little animals have one thing on their mind and one thing only, to annoy you. Okay, so maybe survival is on their mind, but it’s just a façade of what they’re really thinking. It’s just the excuse made by devil worshipers who think that squirrels aren’t that bad. People need to be informed about the evil possessed by these demonic animals, and I am here to do it.
Ever try to have a bird feeder for your fine-feathered friends? Ever wonder why the food supply in that feeder diminishes so rapidly? You can definitely deduce that there is a thief in your midst, and more than likely figure it to be a squirrel. The little buggers are stealing from birds, I mean come on, do the birds take all their acorns? No, I think not. Sure you can go into some semantics about the bird feeder not being a natural source for food and should be allowed to be utilized by anything that wants to use it. But even when you segregate the feeders, putting up signs in both English and Squirrel, they don’t read, they take what they want from anywhere and don’t think a thing about it. Kind of like humans, but that’s another issue. How could anyone defend these petty thieves?
Ever notice how they laugh after you’ve swerved to miss them? Come on, you’ve seen the GEICO commercial where the squirrels go through their ritual success dance. You think it’s all computer graphics, but what you fail to realize is that it really happens. They run out into the middle of the street just to annoy you. They do it on purpose; they do it because it is in their innate evil nature. They want to see you suffer. Plus, they cut a deal with all the car insurance companies for boo coo acorns, under the table, of course. That’s a different story. The fact is, they like to see you panic, and maybe lose control of your car and go flipping down the road. That’s why I don’t slow down for squirrels. I don’t speed up and run them down like the scum that they are; but I don’t brake for them. That’s what they want; and I don’t believe in giving the devils what they want.
Then there is the breaking and entering, and then squatting. Have you ever had a squirrel break into your house and set up shop in your attic? They don’t have the mind to inform you that they’re moving in. The just show up one day and expect you to deal with it. How rude. They neglect to pay for rent, as well. They are living in your attic; they should have to pay some sort of compensation. And what about all those utilities they use, running up the electric bill on the heat and air conditioning all year round. You know they don’t bother to fix up the holes they made moving in, so the heat can’t possibly stay in. They don’t seem to mind making damages to their newly acquired living space, and they won’t fix it either. And what about all those wild parties late at night? What, do they still think they’re living in a dorm or something? You can go up there and complain, but they just run away. And they don’t listen to the eviction notices either. You can post them at all the “doors” and say that animal control will be there any day now, but they don’t listen. Hell, they’ve even been known to chew though sheet metal laced with cayenne pepper. They just don’t seem to get the message.
But they do, they know you hate them. They know that they have inspired countless numbers of people to want to shoot them with pellet guns, shotguns, sniper rifles, bazookas, and various other weapons of destruction. Why do you think they always run away when you get close? Oh they’re just scared ‘cause we’re bigger, not. They’re scared because they know the injustices they have inflicted on so many people, and can’t really remember if you were one or not. That’s just the way they are, they annoy without remorse or thought. They’re like psychopathic killers, they have no real motive other that being inspired by evil. So be weary, the devil’s workers are all around you. They have cunning, they have speed, and they have an infinite internal drive to achieve their objectives. Be careful, be watchful, but most importantly, be deadly. A dead squirrel is a happy bird feeder owner.
Back to my knives and squirrel nooses, I have some examples to set.