Age of Empires III:

The Age of the American Beatdown

 

Well, since most Americans don’t even know what is going on currently in the world, other than what’s on The Simpsons, it is pretty obvious we wouldn’t remember stuff that happened like 400 years ago. So, if the saying holds true, that those who forget history are doomed to repeat it, why doesn’t the government of the United States participate in the old theory of imperialism. I mean, the fundamentals of mercantilism are still in effect, right? Isn’t it a legitimate claim that money is the true form of power?

 

So, this is what I propose: America needs to start openly declaring their claims of land, their colonies. First, I would start off with Afghanistan. We have already supplied most of the government, so getting them to hand over their resources free of charge should be no problem. And as for those natives, we can just move them out of their homes and put them on land that we couldn’t use. Yeah, and we can call these places something like “secured accommodations”.

 

Then, we move in on Iraq. After we move Saddam out, we can put out own people in place. We would never have to worry about oil shortages again, and we could turn out vehicles like “Super Duper SUVs”, not quite tanks but close, and they get 8 miles to the gallon. And when we ran out of oil we could just move out into the surrounding areas to get some more. If they fought back, we would win, and could get the land in another Treaty of Paris. Or, maybe the rest of the Middle East will try appeasement, that way we wouldn’t really have to fight for it. But we’d take it all anyways. And as for those pesky Muslims, we could just move them into “Deep Thought” camps, where they could enjoy our wondrous “saunas” and “aromatherapy” facilities. Plus, we could justify it by saying they are all extremists who could possibly walk freely into crowded markets and blow themselves to pieces.

 

There is a problem with having all this land; we don’t have enough people to work it. So, we should go back to our friends in the Balkans and just take over. We could then advertise for free food and housing, and say that all they had to do was work in the oil fields. Sure, we wouldn’t tell them they’d have to live there for the rest of their lives, and they could be sold at will, but they don’t need to know that. They’d come in droves just to get a change of scenery, even though it would be for the worst, because they wouldn’t even be counted as complete people, more like three-fifths. And man working in the desert would be real bitch, but they don’t know that yet and that’s why we’re going to use them.

 

And these are just the first steps in creating the US Empire. Soon after we set up all that, we can start all sorts of wars to gain more territory. Like the 10000 Days War with the Chinese, and the 7 Years War with the British, and the 100 Minute War with the French, which will be called “Vineyard Storm”. Sure, there may be an uprising after the victory party, but the French couldn’t even beat a bunch of drunk guys.

 

We can use our current resources to enact upon these proposed policies. We can pull out all sorts of stuff from our secret colonies in South America. It’s amazing no one’s found out about those; we’ve had them since Teddy Roosevelt was President. And there are plenty of people that we already control, like the Canadians and the Mexicans. They don’t really have armies, because we are their protectors. It’s all in the NAFTA, which basically says, “America has the right to own Mexico and Canada without the rest of the world knowing about it”.

 

It’s all in place, America can set out to rule the world. Or, at least make things easier for the natives by making world trade unnecessary for the United States. Colonization, the “new” global economy.