Straight From the Heart

Chapter 8

Caitlin turned to face the person speaking to her. "I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to spy or anything," she began to explain.

The older man walking his dog smiled at her. "That's okay, I was just making sure you weren't lost. You looked a little confused by your surroundings."

"Well, I don't think I'm lost, but I don't know where I am," she smiled in return. "I mean, I know how to get where I came from, but I'm in an unfamiliar town. So I don't know where I am specifically."

"I can tell you that. You're on the outskirting area of Port Charles."

"Yes, I did know that. I was in town earlier this morning walking around. Is this some kind of neighborhood?"

"Not really. There are about six houses on this street, and this one dead-ends it," he gestured to the cottage where cars had pulled up in front of it and people were getting out.

"Do you know who lives there?" she asked, trying to sound merely curious.

"It's a sad story, really. No one has lived there for about a year. Though it looks like the young girl who moved a year ago is moving back in today."

"That's not really so sad." She bent down to pet the dog who was coming near her to sniff her out. It was a beautiful little Brittany Spaniel. Her tail began to wag excitedly at the new attention.

"No, but the story before that is. A young woman used to live there. She was quite famous from what I've heard."

"You didn't know her?"

"No, I moved here after this all happened. Got transferred in through my job. They're paying for the house, in fact, so I can't complain too much. Anyway, from what people told me, this woman was a model who was left at the altar by her boyfriend when he left town. There is a lot of speculation about what he did, the most ridiculous that I heard was that he was the head of the mob in this area. Imagine that, the mob in this nice of a city," he smiled at the thought. "After that, she apparently had a nervous breakdown and was even admitted to the local psychiatric ward in the hospital. But then, this young fellow came into her life and she really pulled back together. She moved out here and into this house. The stories all conflict when people tell me what happened, but it seems to be commonly believed that they were engaged after a short time."

"Then what happened?" Caitlin asked. She stood up and brushed her hands off as the dog was still anxiously sniffing around her feet. She could tell by now that this man was talking about the same model she was here to see about. The one she thought she was.

"You really want to know?" he asked her. It seemed odd to her that this young woman would want to know the details about this house.

"I really do. This house just draws my attention for some reason. I was thinking that if it ever came up for sale, I might like to try and buy it," she said. It was only a little bit of a lie.

"Well, after the two youngsters were engaged, she was out one afternoon driving in the car with her mother. Apparently, the fiancé was looking for her for some reason. He must have a lot of money since he was in a helicopter looking for her. He had just found her when the car went over the side of a cliff into the river. He jumped in after her, but couldn't save her. Never did find a body. It's so sad when you think about it."

Caitlin nodded in response. "It really is," she said solemnly. "So what about the house? What became of it?"

"All I know is that a few people have lived there since her death. This girl here," he gestured again to the people moving in, "lived there for about a year until she moved to Paris. I guess she must have come back. It's the same girl moving in now."

"But nobody else lived there? For that whole year it was empty?" she was curious as to why that would have been.

"As far as I know," he answered. His dog was getting anxious to move on. She had sniffed out all the surrounding area and wanted to move on. "Well, I think Brita here has a few ideas of her own. She'd like to get moving on toward home."

"Thank you so much, sir, for telling me all this," Caitlin smiled.

"No problem," he said as he turned back up the street and walked home.

Caitlin also turned a few minutes later and began to walk back to the motel. She was later than she had intended to be, but she knew Jess wouldn't be too mad. She was probably worried, though, so Caitlin walked quickly. As she had thought, Jess was anxiously pacing the length of the room when she opened the door.

"Where have you been?" Jess said immediately.

"Just walking around. Sorry I was gone so long. I didn't mean to be," she apologized. "But, Jess, you'll never guess who I ran into!"

"Not that man? Jax, was his name?" Jess said, amazed.

"I only wish! No, I was walking and I found out where she used to live! I was standing in front of this cottage and thought it looked familiar when this man walking his dog started to talk to me. He told me the whole story of what happened!" She relayed the information she had found out quickly and in as much detail as she could remember.

"Did he know who you were?"

"No, he moved here after it all happened. All he knew was what his neighbors and people from town told him. Apparently, it was big news. People like to gossip about it." She was kind of disappointed about that. She didn't like the fact that the whole town might know what she did or be curious about what was happening to her.

"Did you find out anything else?"

"No, nothing concrete. Jess, it's so weird, though. I just feel that I used to know this place. It's so familiar to me, everywhere I go. I think I know deep inside me that I am her, I am Brenda Barrett."

"So, what do we do about it?"

"I don't know."

Jax was in his penthouse again. He had tried to call Jerry, but got his answering machine. He figured his brother was probably with Jen and her daughter today.

He sat down at his desk in his office and tried to go over some contracts for a local business takeover. After staring at the same paragraph for almost an hour, reading it repeatedly, but not comprehending it, he gave up. He went into the living room and looked out the picture window. Sitting down in the chaise lounge chair next to the window, he began to think. As was inevitable, his thoughts went to Brenda.

Three years ago, at this time, they had been discussing her mother's illness and where it would lead them. He smiled sadly as he remembered her insistence that she wouldn't allow him to stay by her if she were ill. His love for her had won the argument. He could never give her up or let her go. He only wished he'd had the chance to prove it to her then.

But she was taken from him before he got the opportunity to prove his faith in the love to her. Now, as he thought about it, he was doing just that in his life today. He didn't let go and he didn't give up on their love. She was as much a part of him now, as she had been the day she died. It was why he wrote the letters. Because he couldn't talk to her and laugh with her, he had to share something with her. He had to do something to believe that she heard what he said. All of his feelings, everything he would have said to her if she had been there, he wrote in those letters. He hoped that she could hear them and feel them in her heart, wherever she was.

Jax gave in to three nights' culmination of insomnia and fell asleep in the chair. His last thoughts before darkness were of whether Brenda could be alive somewhere. Maybe she was trying to find her way back to him. A small smile lifted the corners of his mouth as he reveled in the thought that she might try to find him someday.

Jess had an idea. "Caitlin, I'm going to give my sister a call. If we're going to be staying here for awhile, I'm sure she'd want to meet you. She might even be able to help you look and find out more information. She has a lot of contacts in the community through her job."

Caitlin nodded. "Actually, that would be a good idea. She'd be able to get any information the police department might have, right?"

Jess nodded and picked up the phone. She dialed her sister's number quickly and explained where she was and what she was doing. Without going into too much detail, she told her about Caitlin and what they wanted to do. When she hung up, she turned back to Caitlin. "We can meet her at her house in half an hour. Her boyfriend is there, so she's going to tell him and arrange to meet him later. And then, she's going to take her daughter to the neighbor's house. We thought it might be better so that you wouldn't be too overwhelmed in case we found anything out."

Caitlin agreed. Jess ran to the front lobby of the motel and grabbed some muffins and two cups of coffee for them while they passed the time. When half an hour had passed, they got in the car and drove to Jess's sister's house.

The house was in a pretty neighborhood that all looked fairly newly built. It was a contemporary split-level two-story house and Caitlin could see a good-sized backyard behind the house. They got out of the car and Jess knocked on the front door. The heavy oak paneled door swung open to reveal a slightly older version of Jess herself. Jess hugged her sister tightly and then turned to Caitlin.

"Caitlin Jackson, I'd like you to meet my sister, Jennifer Cross. Jen, this is Caitlin." Jen held out her hand to Caitlin to shake it and then she opened the door further to usher them into the house.

Caitlin could tell from the slightly messy front hallway that Jen had at least one child. The house was warmly decorated in contemporary styles, fitting to the outside of the house. Jen led the way to the sunken family room and gestured for them to have a seat on one of the creme colored leather couches. The sliding backdoor was slightly open and a warm, balmy breeze came into the room. Jen brought three cups of coffee from the kitchen and then sat down across from Caitlin, next to Jess.

"So, tell me, what's the deal here? What are you trying to do?" she asked, looking directly at Caitlin. Her lawyer's instincts were kicking in and she was sizing her up in every aspect she knew.

Caitlin told her everything, starting with the letter and ending with the cottage that morning and including the stop at the guard rail and the memory it evoked. The only thing she left out was the name of the man she was supposedly engaged to and the name she was supposed to have.

"What do you want me to do to help you?" Jen asked. She wasn't quite sure what she could do to help them in their quest. She thought it sounded a little too farfetched.

"I'm not exactly sure what you can do to help. See, here's the thing, though. I think you may be able to locate the man who I was engaged to. With your contacts, you might be able to help me find out where he lives now."

Jen got up to get the coffee carafe and refill the cups. As she returned to the room, she asked, "What's his name? I probably can help you do that."

Caitlin took a deep breath, "His name is Jasper Jacks, or Jax, by nickname."

Jen nearly dropped the coffee on the floor, she was so surprised. Quickly, she set it down on the table and sat down heavily in her chair. "Oh my God, you're serious, aren't you?" Caitlin responded with a confused nod. "Then that means that you...you're...Brenda? Brenda Barrett?"

Caitlin turned to her, almost as surprised. "How did you know that? How would you know who I am?"

"I know him, I know Jax. I know where he lives, I know how to contact him. I could call him right now, if you wanted me to."

"No! No, I don't want you to call him right now!" Caitlin said immediately.

"Why not, Cait?" Jess asked.

Caitlin got up from her seat and began to pace around the room. "This is too much. I didn't think it could happen this quickly. I thought it would take us days, weeks, if we ever found him. I never thought I'd be right. I can't do this!" She was beginning to shake from anxiety.

Jess got up and went over to her as Jen looked on in confusion. "Caitlin," Jess said as she put her arms around her, "it's what you wanted to do. Can you believe it? It only took you this long! You could be reunited with him today! Don't you want that?"

"I just don't know, Jess. I don't know if I'm ready to do it yet." She broke the embrace and went to sit down again. She turned to Jen and asked, "How do you know Jax?"

"I met him yesterday," Jen answered softly. She turned to her sister and spoke next. "Jess, you know Jerry? The guy I've been telling you about?"

Jess nodded, "Your boyfriend?"

"Yes, that's him. I went over to his house yesterday and I took Brenda," Caitlin's head shot up, "my daughter with me. I was supposed to meet Jerry's brother for the first time. It was kind of like where I would meet a member of his family and he would meet a member of mine. He started with his brother. I started with my daughter."

"Where is this going?" Jess asked.

"Don't you see? Jax is Jerry's brother! I met Jerry's brother yesterday. I met Jax yesterday!"

"Oh my God," Caitlin whispered after a few moments and the information had had time to sink in. She turned fearful eyes to Jen. "Tell me about him, please?"

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything you know about him. Please?"

Jen hesitated before answering. "When Jerry first told me about him, he told me that Jax had become kind of withdrawn. He described him as being a shadow of who he once was. He wouldn't tell me what had happened, but he told me that his brother had suffered two horrible tragedies. He said that the first one nearly destroyed him and the second one kind of confused him. Because the second one happened, Jax felt responsible and it made him withdraw into his grief over the first accident even more."

"What does all of that mean?"

"I don't know exactly. Now that I know who you are, I think the first accident was yours. I don't know what the second was. But I think it means that he felt guilty for some reason after the second accident happened. Jerry says that Jax is not available. He doesn't date, he doesn't have a girlfriend. Yet, he also says that the reason is because Jax is already in love."

"With me?"

"I think so, yes. Jerry told me what happened to a girl he knew, named Brenda Barrett, you. At the time, he did not tell me who Brenda was to Jax. But from the way he spoke, I can put two and two together now and know that Jax and Brenda were together and Brenda is the woman he is in love with."

"What about the other accident?"

"I don't have any idea. Caitlin, I can tell you what he was like when I met him yesterday. He was so nice and friendly, but I could tell he was very sad. He had an aura about him that made it evident that he had suffered some great loss, but he won't let anyone in on it. He doesn't open up very easily. You should have seen his reaction to finding out my daughter's name was Brenda. He fainted dead away. But by the end of the day, he and Brenda had bonded together. They played in the backyard together and Jerry said it had been a long time since he had seen Jax so happy. He hides it well sometimes, but he is exactly as Jerry said he is. He is only a shadow of who he once was. I can see that, and I didn't even know who he had been."

Caitlin thought about everything for a few minutes. She was so confused. Everything was a jumble to her. None of it made any sense, and at the same time, it all made perfect sense. She needed to see him, but she knew she was not ready to do it. How would he react? Would he be happy to see her? She knew he hadn't exactly moved on with his life, but what if he had come to terms with her death and had moved on in that sense?

"So now what?" Jess asked after a few minutes of silence.

"I just don't know what to do," Caitlin sighed. She needed to sort it all out on her own and figure out what to do. She got up a few minutes later, grabbed her wallet, and told Jess and Jen that she was going for a walk. She didn't know where she was headed or when she'd be back. She left the house and started off in the direction that led back to the outskirts of town.

She kept to the side streets, not wanting to go anywhere that someone might recognize her. She wanted to be in control of this situation. For nearly three hours, she wandered the streets aimlessly. She passed some of the same places as before that she recognized. After awhile, she stopped in a park somewhere and sat on a bench in a little tree cove. There, she let out the tensions she'd felt ever since they'd found the article in the library. Tears streamed down her face as she sobbed uncontrollably.

Every thought she'd had since that day came back to her. She didn't know who she was anymore. She wasn't Caitlin Jackson, she was Brenda Barrett. But yet, she wasn't Brenda Barrett, either. She had no idea who Brenda Barrett was. She only remembered one thing that could connect her to her previous life and it wasn't what she wanted to remember.

She pulled the letter from her purse and read it again. She knew these words. She knew Jax. But it was nothing tangible. She knew how she must have felt, how she would like to believe she felt about him, but she didn't know for sure. The picture of her with Jax from the newspaper seemed to show a very happy couple. They were looking into each other's eyes and she thought she could see the love passing between them. The picture was dated as being from June of 1998. If she really looked hard, she could see a party in the background. They were both dressed in formal attire, but she had no idea what it could have been for.

She was getting more and more frustrated as she looked at the picture and the letter. She tried so hard to remember, but she couldn't. She sat there for hours, trying to block out every thought and concentrate solely on who she was.

It was dark by the time she became aware of her surroundings again. She looked at her watch and gasped with surprise that it was 9:15 at night. She'd been out for almost ten hours. Jess must be worried sick by now! She had to get back to her! When she'd said she had no idea when she'd be back, she hadn't meant that it would be anywhere near this late.

Caitlin began to walk quickly through the park. As she went, she stayed on the well lit paths and tried to stay where she could always see people. With the night as breezy as it was, there were several people out taking walks through the park. Most of them were couples out for an evening stroll or teenagers gathered on the lawns trying to extend their curfews. She came to a path that wound along the river and decided to follow it back towards Jen's house. As she walked, she watched the streaming waters of the river.

She glanced to her right at one point and saw a solitary blond man standing with his back to her and leaning on the railing of a bridge. She was drawn to him instantly and she stopped walking. Something about him was so familiar. She knew she'd seen him before, but she couldn't place him at all.

Jax awoke, confused by where he was for a moment. He looked at his watch and saw he had really slept most of the day away. He hadn't slept that well in days, possibly weeks. Too bad it hadn't been at night. It was nearly four o'clock in the afternoon as he got up. He'd been asleep for almost six hours in that chair. One look out the widow told him it was a steaming hot July day. He stretched his aching limbs from being curled up in the chair for so long and went into the kitchen for a glass of water.

As he came out, he happened to see that the light was flashing on his answering machine. He had never heard the phone ring. Pressing play, he heard, "Jax, it's Robin. I thought you said you would be there today. Oh well, guess you just went out for awhile. If you get some time and want to come over, I thought we might have dinner at the cottage. There'll be some other people here, Ned and Alexis, Mac and Felicia. Give me a call, the number is the same as before here." He smiled a little and thought about calling her back right away. But he realized he wasn't quite sure if he wanted to have dinner at the cottage. He decided to call her in an hour or so, depending on what he thought then.

Jax was doubly surprised to hear a second message begin to play. The phone had rung twice and he hadn't heard it either time. That never happened to him. Jerry's voice greeted him, "Jax, where are you? Your message said you'd be there all day. Look, I'm not with Jen, she sent me home so that she could talk to her sister. If you need me, I'll be here catching up on some work. Call me." He almost sounded concerned, but didn't want Jax to hear it in his voice. The machine clicked off. Jax contemplated calling Jerry and telling him not to worry. But he thought that if Jerry hadn't called back in the six hours, he probably wasn't too worried about what Jax might do.

He went into the bedroom and changed into a pair of workout pants and a loose tank top. He'd had one of the rooms of the apartment converted into a home gym. He worked out for over an hour straight on the weights and other equipment. When he'd nearly exhausted himself again, he went to take a shower.

As he came out of the shower fifteen minutes later, a towel wrapped snugly around his waist, he picked up the phone and dialed Robin's familiar number.

"Robin's house," a little girl's voice answered politely.

Jax grinned. "Is Robin there, please?" he asked, amused. He could hear the phone being shifted to Robin.

"Jax?" she asked.

"How'd you know?"

"Georgie said it was a man with a weird accent."

Jax laughed again. "I see. Well, I am returning your phone message from earlier this morning."

"Oh, right, I thought I would have caught you before you went anywhere, but I guess I was too late."

"No, I was here. I just didn't hear the phone ring. I was asleep," he left it open ended and hoped Robin wouldn't say anything. She didn't.

"Ah, well, it was Felicia's idea for this dinner tonight. You don't have to feel obligated to come or anything. She just thought it would be like a welcome home kind of thing, but since you already did that last night and this morning, you don't have to come."

"Are you trying to tell me you don't want me to come?" Jax teased.

"No! I just thought-"

"It's okay, Robin, I'm only kidding. I was calling to tell you I would like to come, if that's all right."

"Great! We're just going to be grilling on the back patio, so it's really informal."

"What time do you want me to be there? And should I bring anything?"

"Don't bring a thing! Felicia just came back from the store with enough food to choke an army! And we're going to get things going at about 6:30, is that all right?"

That gave him almost an hour. "That's fine. I'll see you then."

"Thanks, Jax. Bye!"

Jax hung up the phone and went to get dressed. He slid on a pair of loose faded blue jeans and tried to think of what shirt he wanted to wear. As he stood there, a knock sounded at his front door. He ran his hand through his hair and ran for the door. He opened it shortly thereafter to find Lucy Coe-Collins on his front step.

"I wish more people answered the door that way!" she exclaimed as she took in the sight of Jax shirtless and dressed only in jeans.

Jax put one hand up on the door jam and leaned against it. "Lucy! What are you doing here?"

"I had a business proposition for you." She pushed her way inside and promptly sat down on the couch facing him.

He still stood in the doorway. Sensing that he wasn't going to get rid of her any time soon, he closed the door and started towards the bedroom again. "It's Sunday, Lucy. Couldn't it wait until tomorrow?" He continued to the bedroom to grab a shirt.

"Where are you going?" She jumped up and followed him into his bedroom. "No, it couldn't wait until tomorrow. I wouldn't be here if it could now, would I?"

"I don't know, would you?" Jax sighed, smiling. "What is it?" He walked into his closet and looked again at his shirts.

"I was thinking this morning and I was saying to Doc what a good idea it would be to start a new campaign for Jacks Cosmetics." She paused. "Can you hear me in there?"

Jax rolled his eyes. "I can hear you just fine." He selected a teal colored short sleeved silk shirt and put it on, leaving it momentarily unbuttoned. He grabbed his black shoes off the floor and went back into the room. "But what I don't understand is what this has to do with me? I don't own Jacks Cosmetics anymore, remember? You bought it seven years ago." He sat on the bed to put on his socks and shoes.

"I know that, Jax. But the campaign I have in mind requires a lot of capital."

"So? What do you need me for? Your company makes money." He stood up and began to button his shirt.

"Yes, it does, but not nearly enough. See, ever since the failure of our recent venture, we've been losing money. We're still making profits in other areas, but we're also still in debt over the last thing."

"What do you want me to do about that?" He unbuttoned his jeans, noticed Lucy's reaction, turned around, and tucked in his shirt.

"I was kind of thinking, Jax, that you might want to get back into the company with me."

"You want me to buy into your company?" Jax said incredulously. He started towards the living room again and motioned for Lucy to follow him.

"Well, yes, kind of. I was hoping you might want to invest in it again, as a silent partner, of course. Since it has your name on it, I thought you might like to see it succeed."

"Nice try, Lucy. By now, everyone knows I have nothing to do with that company anymore."

"Come on, Jax! Just think about it. I don't know all the details yet, but I wanted to tell you as soon as possible. I can have Don work on the proposal tomorrow and get it to you just as soon as he can. Please, Jax? Will you at least think about it?" she was practically pleading with him.

Jax opened his front door to her. As she walked through it, he said, "Yes, Lucy, I will think about it. Okay?"

"Okay! Thank you so, so much, Jax!"

"Goodbye, Lucy," he said, closing the door.

"Ta!" he heard her call as she literally skipped to the elevator. He shook his head and leaned against the door. Checking the clock, he realized he still had half an hour before he had to leave for Robin's. He was planning on walking, so he left himself a leeway of fifteen minutes. He sat down at his desk again and went back to reading the contracts he'd tried before.

Exactly half an hour later, as he'd been counting the minutes, Jax got up and grabbed his keys. He picked up one more item that he planned to drop off that evening, put it in his back pocket, and left the apartment. He headed in the direction of the cottage. He walked slowly, knowing that he would probably get there first as it was. He wasn't sure how long he wanted to stay, but he was willing to give it a chance, for Robin's sake.

He rang the doorbell at exactly 6:33 by his watch. Maxie Jones opened the door, grinning broadly. "Hi, Mr. Jacks!" the fourteen-year-old girl exclaimed. She was nearly giddy with excitement over seeing Jax. She'd had a crush on him ever since she'd become old enough to admire boys.

"Hello, Maxie," he responded. "How are you doing?"

"I'm great!" She opened the door wider for him to come into the house. "Everyone's outside on the back deck," she directed.

Jax walked through the kitchen to the sliding glass doors leading to the expansive wood deck in the backyard. Felicia spotted him first and greeted him with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. She offered him a drink and went to get it for him. He went over to talk with Robin who was standing next to Mac trying to get the gas grill lit. He quickly got roped into helping Mac prepare the food for the dinner.

By seven o'clock, everyone who was invited was there. They were all outside and the guests were mingling. Jax had been joined by Kevin and abandoned by Mac at the grill. He shook his head again at the fact that he had seen Lucy less than two hours before and she had claimed it just couldn't wait. He talked at length with Kevin about what had been happening with Lucy recently. Kevin and Lucy had recently gotten married, only four months before. They'd wound up back together after a series of mishaps in their other relationships. Amazingly enough, their previous significant others, Scott and Eve, held no grudges and were actually dating, as well. They were not there that night, but Lucy and Kevin had brought Serena with them.

Taking a short break, Jax went into the backyard and ended up in the game of Frisbee going on. Ned and Mac had joined Maxie, Georgie, and Serena in their game. Alexis and Felicia had been standing off to the side watching and laughing at their husbands' attempts to play with the girls. When Jax joined in, he made sure Alexis got in on it, too. With Alexis came Felicia, and eventually, everyone was playing, with the exception of Kevin who was gladly fulfilling his job as chef.

After the game of Frisbee died, they all sat down to dinner. The sun was beginning to set and they lit the citronella torches to keep the mosquitoes away. Dinner continued until nearly nine o'clock when the first few people began to leave. Karen and Joe Scanlon were the first ones to leave. They both had early calls at the hospital the next morning. Jax was beginning to tire for the evening, so he, too, got up to leave.

Robin walked him to the door to say goodbye. "Thanks for coming, Jax," she said as she hugged him.

"Anytime," he responded. "I'll see you soon." He started to walk down the front steps and then turned to Robin again. "Thank you, Robin. It was fun." He smiled and turned back down the driveway.

At the end of the road, instead of turning to go back to his apartment building, he walked along the river a little further. He walked through the park and eventually came to his intended spot. He removed the item from his back pocket and looked at it again. It was the letter he'd written last night. As was his habit nearly every night, he came to this bridge in the park, overlooking the Port Charles River. His eyes clouded for a brief moment as he silently kissed the seal of the envelope and then threw it into the deep waters of the river.

 

Chapter 9

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