If I Recall

Chapter 9

 

She sat stunned on the couch while Jax appeared to drift back off to sleep.  He really must be drunk, she thought, or he never would have said he loved her just now.  Rather than wake him back up and demand that he tell her what he'd meant when he said 'me, too,' she stayed where she was and thought for a long time.

 

If Jax was in love with her and she was in love with him, what did that mean for them?  She wished she knew.

 

An hour later, Jax stirred again from his position on the couch.  He cracked his eyelids to look for her, but didn't move from his spot.  She'd been watching him sleep for the better of part of that hour.

 

"Jax, you don't look very good," she observed.  She studied him closely.  Obviously, he hadn't had much experience with hangovers yet.  She knew she'd never seen him drunk like this.

 

He sighed and tried to sit up.  He made it as far as putting his head on the arms of the couch instead of the seat cushion.  He closed his eyes again and murmured, "I don't feel very good, either."  He lay still for a few more minutes and finally moved again to sit up.  He put his hand to his head, wincing.  "Brenda, please don't ever let me drink that much again."

 

"That bad, huh?" she smiled gently.

 

"Worse," he replied.

 

She decided to see if he would try her hangover remedy and went into the kitchen to fix it for him.  When she came back out into the living room, he hadn't moved.  He opened his eyes when she sat down next to him on the couch and put her hand on his shoulder to get his attention.  He looked at her warily and then glanced at what she had in her hand.  He stayed for only a second longer before he ran for the other room.

 

She just laughed and followed behind him a couple minutes later, still carrying the glass with her.  She found him coming out of the bathroom in his bedroom.  He gave her a warning glance to stay back and went to lay down on his bed.  She watched the whole thing with an amused look on her face.

 

She went over to him once again and forced him to look at her, even while he refused.  "Jax, come on.  It works.  If you'd just try it, you'll find that out."

 

"I don't know how you can possibly think I'm going to drink that, Brenda," he replied.  Just looking at it made him nauseous.

 

"Don't make me force you, Jax," she playfully threatened him until he looked at her with one eye open.

 

"I'd like to see you try."  Finally, he gave in.  "All right, Brenda.  I will try it, but I am holding you responsible for what happens."  He took the glass from her after he sat up a little and took a cautious sip.  His eyes nearly rolled back in his head from the taste of the awful concoction.  He drank as much as he could until he couldn't force himself to taste anymore of it.  "Oh my God, that stuff is awful," he said softly as he lay back down in the center of his bed, trying very hard not to move.

 

She took the glass back from him, laughing the whole time.  "You are such a baby, Jax.  It's not that bad."

 

"No, it's worse.  You must enjoy torturing me," he mumbled with his eyes closed.  He wanted desperately to go back to sleep and forget the entire morning.

 

She was about to leave him alone to sleep when she heard him say softly, "You know, I already told you I loved you, what more could you possibly want from me?"

 

She stopped immediately in the door and in her rush to get back to the bed, she forgot his state.  She sat next to him in the center of the bed.  "What did you just say?"

 

But he wasn't concentrating on her anymore.  He was thinking about the fact that she had just seriously upset the balance he'd almost gotten by jumping on the bed with him.  He rolled over once the bed stilled and placed an arm underneath him, covering his stomach.  "If you didn't hear me the first time, I'm certainly not going to repeat it after what you just did."

 

She felt really bad for him, but she was also extremely happy.  The smile on her face outshone anything before.  "Oh Jax," she sympathized with him, "I am sorry.  I just wanted to hear you say that and make sure you meant it."  She lay down next to him, brushing his hair back with one of her hands, and he moved his head to face her.

 

He opened one eye again to look at her.  "Just so I get this straight.  You love me?"  She nodded enthusiastically, fully confident in his feelings for her.  "And I love you?"  She nodded again.  "And this is a very good thing, right?"

 

She burst out laughing, quieting when she saw him grimace.  "Sorry," she said again.  "Yes, Jax, this is a very good thing."

 

"Good, now if you don't mind, can you go away and let me sleep?"  He had a small smile on his lips as he spoke and he closed his eyes once more.

 

She kissed him sweetly on the lips before he fell asleep.  "Oh, I'm not going anywhere."

 

Brenda woke up in the cabin, shivering slightly since the fire had died down.  She woke with a smile on her face, though, due to the dream she'd been having.  She remembered that day like it was yesterday, and she wished it were yesterday sometimes.  If they could start over, if they could try again…there she went with the 'ifs' again.

 

She looked around her for a few minutes, noticing Jax was still asleep.  He was smiling about something, but she had no idea what.  His right hand rested across her legs while his other hand rested across his stomach, holding onto the blanket.  She got up carefully without waking him.  She stoked the fire again and placed another log on it.  When she was warm again, she glanced at the clock for the first time.  It was nearly four o'clock in the afternoon.  She decided to try her luck with making dinner for the two of them.

 

Jax was dreaming again and this time, the smile was gone from his face.

 

He saw the streetlight glint off the cold steel of the gun pointed at him.  The man holding the gun was deadly serious, he assured him.

 

"Give me your wallet," the mugger said again, his voice harsh and quick.  He looked around quickly to make sure no one else was watching them.

 

Brenda stood behind him with her hands digging into the back of his long coat.  He stood with his hands out and tried to stall for time, all the while, trying to reassure Brenda that they were going to be okay.  But he couldn't do that if the man wouldn't let him talk.  Slowly, he reached into his coat and withdrew his wallet.  He threw it at the man.

 

Before the mugger was through, he had his wallet, his watch, and Brenda's possessions, too.  Just as the man was starting to walk away, Brenda decided to get brave. 

 

"You won't get away with this," she yelled at him, suddenly.

 

The man whirled around with the gun still in his hand.  "What did you just say?"

 

She stepped out from behind him.  "I said, you won’t get away with this," she repeated boldly.

 

"Brenda, please be quiet," he whispered to her, placing a hand on her wrist to keep her back.

 

"No, Jax, I won’t be quiet.  This man cannot just walk away with our things!"

 

"Mister, don't make me have to shoot her.  Because believe me, I will," the man said.

 

He pleaded with her with his eyes.  "Please, just let him go," he whispered again, pushing her forcefully behind him again.

 

The mugger stayed for a few more minutes, threatening him with the presence of the gun.  Suddenly, Brenda moved again.  He didn't know whether it was out of bravery or shear fear, but she did, and the man raised his gun at her.  As she moved, he immediately reacted and pushed her to the ground, dodging into the spot where she had been standing.  The gun rang out and then the mugger ran.  And it was silent.

 

"Jax.  Jax?  Jax!" Brenda shouted at him.  He was lying on the ground, knocked unconscious when his head hit the ground.  She checked on him and then ran for help, anyone who could help them.  She returned to his side seconds later.  "Jax, please wake up.  Please!"  She checked him over to see if he'd been hit by the bullet that went off, but he was lying too fully on the ground for her to see.

 

All they'd wanted to do was see a play that night.  They'd come to New York to go to one of the plays on Broadway and they'd suddenly found themselves trapped in an alley, facing the business end of a gun.  It was supposed to be their six month anniversary of being together, in love with each other.

 

Slowly, he opened his eyes, becoming aware of Brenda's voice calling to him.  He tried to move his head, but was immediately met with thousands of white lights bursting in front of his eyes.  Instead, to get her attention, he gripped the hand that was holding his a little tighter.

 

"Oh God, Jax," she said, relieved.  "Are you okay?  Did he shoot you?"

 

By this time the ambulance had shown up to assist.  The paramedics ran to him and carefully turned him onto his back.  Brenda nearly cried in relief when the only thing she saw on his coat was the dirty rainwater from the street.  He kept his eyes closed once the medics lifted him onto the stretcher.  They were asking her all the questions and she was doing her best to answer them, but she was more worried about him.

 

The ride to the hospital seemed interminable.  He had an enormous headache and they suspected a concussion, but they weren't sure.  He was wheeled in to the emergency room, examined by a doctor, and kept overnight for observation.  Brenda stayed with him the entire time, refusing to leave his side.

 

By the time he was settled into the room for the night, he'd had to speak to the police twice and give a statement.  All he wanted to do was close his eyes and try to stop the pounding that was persisting.  Finally, there was quiet.

 

A few minutes later, as he lay with his eyes closed, but not asleep, he heard the sounds of crying.  He opened his eyes and saw Brenda, by his side, holding his hand, and crying.  It was the first time that night she'd broken down.  He reached his other hand over to her and touched the side of her face, laying his palm against her cheek.  She looked up at him, surprised.

 

"I thought you were asleep," she said, trying to stop her tears.  She swiped at the traces on her cheeks.

 

He rubbed his thumb over her jawline and said, "Why are you crying, sweetie?  Everything's okay now."

 

She closed her eyes briefly and the tears fell again.  "Oh Jax," she said softly.  "I didn't realize until a few hours ago just how easy it would be to lose you."

 

"But you didn't lose me," he said gently.

 

"I know, but I could have.  And all because I did something so dumb.  I'm so sorry, Jax, I shouldn't have jumped," she apologized.

 

"Brenda, look at me," he ordered softly.  She raised her head to him.  "It is okay.  It's not your fault, all right?  You were only doing what you thought was best.  Actually, I think it was very brave of you to try and protect me like that."  He smiled. 

 

She cracked a small smile, too.  "Really?"

 

"Really," he replied.  He moved his hands and held out his arms to her, indicating she should get in the bed with him.  She did without hesitation, wrapping her arms snuggly around his waist and laying her head on his chest.  "I love you, Brenda.  You are not going to lose me.  I promise."

 

Jax awoke with a start.  He sat up straight on the couch as if he had been awakened by a loud noise.  He knew he hadn't.  It was only the noise in his mind.  He remembered exactly what he'd been dreaming about.  He put his hands to his head and stretched a little.  Running his hands through his hair, he oriented himself to being awake.  He could hear Brenda in the kitchen doing who knows what, but it sounded like she was attempting to cook.

 

"Damn," he heard her swear.  He shook his head softly at her.  He got up slowly from the couch and went to the doorway separating the two rooms.

 

"Would you like some help?" he asked, after he surveyed the amount of damage she'd done.  It didn't look too bad, so he figured she hadn't been trying all that long.

 

"Actually, yes," she admitted, turning to him and smiling.  "I was going to make a somewhat traditional Christmas dinner for us."  She gestured to the potatoes, turkey slices, and green beans on the counter.  "But I can't figure out exactly what I want to do with all of this stuff."

 

Together, they made dinner.  Jax did most of the cooking while Brenda did most of the slicing and cutting that was needed.  In the end, it didn't turn out too badly.  He remained silent for most of it, making conversation only when he was asked.  He was thinking about what had happened that day.

 

After dinner, Jax was sitting quietly on the couch, thinking as he looked into the fire.  Brenda came up beside him and sat down on the other end of the couch. 

 

A few minutes of silence passed when Jax said softly, "Brenda, do you ever think about the promises we've broken?"

 

He surprised her.  She didn't think they would talk about anything this deep this soon.  She wondered where he was going with it.  "Sometimes," she answered cautiously.  "Why?"

 

He was thinking about the dream he'd had that remembered their time in New York.  He also thought about the time when she had asked him to promise that they would always be friends.  Both of those promises were now broken.  "It's just…" he began and then lost the words to use.

 

"What, Jax?"  She was kind of hoping he would disclose to her.  It might be the next step in rebuilding anything between the two of them.  But she didn't hold much hope that it would happen.

 

He took a deep breath, knowing he was risking a lot by even talking to her right now.  "It's just that we used to make so many promises to each other, you know?"  She nodded silently.  "And I always thought that the most important promise we ever made was…" he trailed off again.

 

"What?  Which one?"  She knew.  She knew the one she'd held most sacred. 

 

He got up in a swift movement from the couch.  He went over to the window and pushed back the drapes, looking out at the darkness.  "This sounds so ridiculous, Brenda," he said quietly, still facing away from her.

 

"What does?"

 

"This," he said, gesturing absently.  "I was about to tell you that the most important promise we made to each other was the one where we promised not to break our promises to each other.  Do you remember that?"

 

She did remember.  It had been a huge foundation of their relationship.  That and the issue of trust.  Both broken now.  She nodded again without saying anything.

 

"And now," Jax continued, "now we've broken so many of those promises we said we'd never break."  He sat down in the chair under the window, facing the couch.  He didn't know what he was trying to accomplish or what he was even trying to say.  He didn't know where he was going with this either.

 

"Jax, what are you saying here?" Brenda asked him after several long minutes had passed in silence.

 

"I had fun today with you, Brenda."

 

She smiled.  "So did I."

 

"You don't understand," he said.  "I didn't expect it."

 

"Neither did I," she reiterated.

 

He sighed.  "No, look, Brenda.  I've spent the last six months trying to forget about you.  I didn't want to think about you, or look at you, or be anywhere near you.  I'm not trying to insult you, I'm just trying to make a point.  I didn't want anything to do with you or the memories I had of you.  Now, being up here, I can't get away from it."  He paused.

 

She didn't know what to say.  "I'm sorry, Jax.  We just got trapped up here.  If there was anything I could have done about it-"

 

"No, that's not what I meant.  I'm not saying this right."  He stopped to choose his words again.  Frustrated a little bit, he ran his hands through his hair.  "I'm saying that I liked it, Brenda.  I liked having fun with you again.  It felt…I don't know.  It felt almost normal.  I felt almost normal.  For the first time in six months, I let myself think about you.  And the thing is, I liked thinking about you.  Does that make any sense whatsoever?"

 

She smiled a little bit, shaking her head.  "No, not really.  But I think I know what you mean by it."

 

He was glad she did because he didn't.  "I think what I'm getting at, Brenda, is that I want to stop breaking some of those promises to you."

 

Now she was confused again.  "What do you mean, Jax?"

 

He thought carefully before he committed himself.  "Two of the promises we made to each other.  For now at least, okay?"

 

"Okay," she said slowly, still unsure what he was talking about.

 

"I want to reinstate that we won't break promises to each other anymore.  That's the first thing and this time, it's the most important of them all."  She nodded silently again.  "And the second one."  He took a deep breath, running his hands through his hair again.  "Friends, Brenda.  That's all I can promise you right now."

 

It was more than she had been hoping for.  It was more than she could have ever thought would come now.  She smiled softly and nodded one last time.  "Friends."

 

Jax got up from the chair and stood in front of her.  "There's one more thing."

 

"Which is?" she asked cautiously.

 

"A new promise to each other.  That we won't make any false promises.  We will not promise anything that we are not sure we can uphold.  Okay?"

 

Brenda went to stand in front of him.  She gazed up into his eyes and noticed for the first time that they were wet with tears.  She realized it was hurting him a little to do this with her.  And it made her forever grateful.  "Okay," she said.

 

She wrapped her arms around him to give him a hug.  He didn’t respond at first, but after a few seconds, he placed his arms gently around her waist.  Her cheek rested against his chest as she fought to hold back tears of happiness.  As she felt his arms come around her, she whispered, "I've missed you, Jax."

 

It broke his last resolve.  He let out a long breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and with it came the emotions he was feeling.  A tear ran down his face as he held onto her.  His voice shaky, he whispered in return, "Oh God, I've missed you, too, Brenda."

 

Chapter 10