This is a continuing adaptation of Judith McNaught's Remember When

Feels Like Home

Chapter 23

Something in your eyes
Makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself…in your arms

There’s something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life

“How mad do you think he is?” Brenda asked Jerry as they walked back to the apartment.  It was a gorgeous late July afternoon and the walk was pleasant enough that they’d decided to brave the New York heat and skip the cab ride.  A constant warm breeze blew towards them from Central Park.

Jerry smiled and looked over at her.  “You’re asking me?  Brenda, I haven’t seen the guy for three years and the first thing he did was put me on the ground.  I really don’t think I’m the one to tell you how he feels.”

She laughed in return.  “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”  She watched the people in front of them crossing the street as the light turned.  “I just wonder if the news we’ve got will counter-act that.”

“I don’t see how it couldn’t.  I think it changes just about everything.”

Brenda nodded silently.  She could feel the smile that hadn’t left her face since Alexis had told them the amazing news that Katherine had exonerated Jax.  Unbelievably, whether through an attack of conscience or fear of prison, Katherine had shown up to the police station with proof that Stefan had been the one to initiate and direct the illegal takeover of Jacobson Electronics.  Jax had, indeed, been an innocent bystander in the whole thing.  The DA had informed Brenda the charges against Jax would be summarily dropped.

Of course, Katherine had only given the evidence with the assurance of immunity for her part in it.  She would not face charges, but police officers were on their way to arrest Stefan at the moment.  It was curious, though, what had made her do it, Brenda thought to herself as they walked.  The Cassidines had put them through hell for the last six weeks and nearly ruined their lives and Jax’s business.  Certainly, his reputation would need some serious work, even with exoneration.

“One good thing came of it,” she muttered aloud.

“What was that?” Jerry asked.  He’d heard her say something, but couldn’t understand it.

Brenda smiled up at him.  “I was just thinking that there was one good thing that came of this whole mess.”

“Oh really?  What was that?”

“Jax and me,” she replied.

“I don’t get it.”

She realized he really didn’t get it.  “That’s right, you don’t know!” she exclaimed, laughing.  The look of confusion on his face increased.

“Know what?”

She started to tell him the story of their relationship.  She began with the Nurse’s Ball only six weeks before.  “He was so damn sure of himself,” she told Jerry.  “There he was asking me to marry him and he’d seen me for the first time in ten years only an hour before.  Nevermind the fact that I had just been jilted before I got to the altar!  He was so sure this plan of his would work.  We could get married, live our separate lives, except when John needed us to be together, and a year later, we would divorce with no strings attached.  We would leave this fake marriage with what we had going in, he said.  Except, I would have had time to get over Scott and he would have his company from his father, free and clear.”

“So you’ve been acting this whole time?  You’re not really in love with my brother?” Jerry asked, more confused than ever.  He understood so far, but it didn’t add up.

“No!” Brenda exclaimed loudly and immediately saw she had given him the wrong impression.  She laughed again.  “Of course, I really love him, Jerry!  That’s the ironic thing about it.  It barely took me two weeks to fall in love with him again.  And I’m not sure it even took that long for him.”  She was thinking of the inscription on her ring that he’d had put there the night they got married.  “But I wasn’t ready to admit it to him.  I barely admitted it to myself at that point.”

“What changed your mind?”  Jerry had to admit, he was relieved to know their relationship was strong.  He was glad his brother had finally found someone to love, even if his own marriage was nothing to speak of.

“You mean, when did I admit it to him?” Jerry nodded in response.  “Well, first let me explain something.  This whole investigation started a little more than a week after we got married.  We hadn’t even had a chance to get to know each other again.  I was trying to figure out what was really going on with us when he was suddenly back in New York dealing with this.  I didn’t speak to him for four days after he got here and all I did was worry during that time.  I know my magazine staff thought I was insane.  I mean, they were under the impression that my marriage was real, like everyone else, and I was sitting in Port Charles while my husband faced criminal charges.  So, I left there and came here to support him.  I knew he didn’t have anyone else to lean on and I figured I would do.”

“Where were our parents?” Jerry asked.  Jax had always been the one to get their attention, after all.  And, John had a vested interest in J&J Jacks.  It would have been odd for them not to be there.

Brenda deliberated for a moment and shook her head.  “You know what?  I have no idea where they are, even now.  I didn’t even realize it, but the last time I spoke with them was right after we got married.  Jax was in Italy and Jane called to talk to me.  I don’t think either one of us has heard from them since then.  It is weird, isn’t it?”

“And Jax never wondered where they were?”

“He’s been a little preoccupied, Jerry,” Brenda said.  “But no, he hasn’t said anything to me about it.  His dad got him pretty upset with the whole marriage deal anyway, so I don’t think he was too interested in seeing him anyway.  John was having us investigated privately and Jax found out.  He paid the guy to give John some false information, but I believe that was the last time either of us thought about it.”

“They should have been here,” Jerry said.

“Oh, don’t worry about it,” she assured him.  “Jax has been fine without them.”

“I’ve seen that,” Jerry responded.  “Okay, so back on topic, tell me what happened.”

She smiled and began again, “You should have seen him, Jerry.  I think he was in shock that it was all happening to him.  He’d worked himself into a state of exhaustion that was so bad the night I got there that he was literally shaking from it.  I don’t think he had slept more than four hours those first four days.  He had a whole team of people working with him to prove the government was wrong.  He was scared out of his mind, I think.  So, when I got here, I tried to help him relax and deal with it.  I got him to sleep, at least,” she smiled.  “It made me realize, though, that he was losing his life’s work in a moment.  He had spent ten years building this and someone was taking it all away from him.  It was unimaginable for me.  I went looking for him in his office late one night when he hadn’t come home and when I finally found him, he was asleep in his desk chair.  Don’t tell him I told you this, but I could tell he had cried himself to sleep and it broke my heart to see him like that.”

“I had no idea,” Jerry interjected softly.  “And it was my fault.”

“No, Jerry, it wasn’t your fault.  I believe you didn’t know what Stefan was going to do and if you had, I don’t think you would have done it.  Right?”

“Absolutely right,” he confirmed emphatically.

“It was later that night, when he lost it in front of me, that I knew I was in love with him,” Brenda said.  “He asked me for a divorce, you know.”

“No, I didn’t know that.”

She laughed slightly.  “I wouldn’t give it to him, of course, but he must have said it three or four times over the next day or so.  He didn’t want me hurt by this.  He didn’t want my reputation ruined by being associated with him.  This was supposed to take the focus off of me and take me out of the spotlight for a year.”  Jerry could tell she was mocking Jax a little by repeating it, but she was smiling.  “But instead of giving him a divorce, I told him I loved him.  Then, I prayed to God he was going to say it back.”

Jerry laughed.  “I take it he did.”

“Yes, he did.  Reluctantly, I might add.  He was afraid that his arrest was going to make me want to leave him and that he would be leaving me because of it.  And because he had left so suddenly ten years ago, he didn’t want to hurt me like that again.  I’m not sure he was thinking all that clearly.”

“I think he was thinking very clearly,” Jerry disagreed.  Brenda looked up at him questioningly, but she didn’t say anything.

The apartment building was coming up in front of them.  It was a welcome relief from the ninety degree heat.  “So, it is a real marriage, should John and Lady Jane ever ask again, which I doubt they will.” 

~~~~~~~~~~

Someone was knocking on the door of the penthouse, but Jax couldn’t hear it.  He was still furiously working out in his gym.  He’d been at it for over an hour without a break, but there was still a lot of tension for him to get out.  His thoughts had been running through his head wildly and for the first time in a long time, he didn’t try to stop them.  It was time to come to grips with the reality of what was happening and what it was doing to his marriage and himself.  Four weeks of denial was enough, he thought.

Finally, when the sweat pouring down his face ran into his eyes, he had to stop for a few moments.  Breathing hard, he picked up a towel to wipe his face.  As he stretched his arms above his head, he heard the knocking on the door.

He was seriously tempted to ignore it, but a nagging thought stopped him.  He hadn’t answered the phone and he and Brenda had left together earlier in the day.  It was very possible she didn’t have her keys on her.  Sighing loudly, he put the towel around his neck and started towards the door where the persistent knocking was getting louder.  In fact, it sounded like the person was banging on the other side.

“All right, all right,” Jax exclaimed as he finally wrenched open the door quickly.  “What is your problem?” he asked without looking at who it was standing in front of him.

“Well, since you asked,” John Jacks said, elbowing his way inside the door.  “I’ve been knocking on this door for the last twenty minutes!”

“Dad?” Jax asked, puzzled.  He hadn’t seen or heard from his father in weeks, not since he and his mother had visited to see who Brenda was and why Jax had married her. 

Jax was still breathing hard when John said, “So, I take it your wife isn’t home?”  His tone was harsh, puzzling Jax even more.  “She’s probably back in that little town she calls home.  Living your lives completely separate from each other, just like you always planned, huh?”

“What are you talking about?” Jax said, but John continued without hearing him.

“I know all about your scam of a marriage!  You thought you could fool me into thinking you loved her so much you would marry her without even introducing her to us.  Now I know why we never met her.  You only married her to settle our deal, didn’t you, Jax?”  John was smiling triumphantly as if he had just won a great victory over his son.  “Tell me I’m wrong,” he said in a tone that defied Jax to disagree with what he’d said.

Realization had dawned on Jax during his father’s tirade and he’d had to stop himself from laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.  It was either that or give in to the pain in the pit of his stomach.  His father didn’t care one bit that the company they were fighting over was frozen by the government or that Jax was being put on trial with criminal charges.  All his father cared about was the stupid deal they’d made seven weeks ago.  It was painfully obvious where John’s priorities were.

Jax shut the door quietly and leaned with his hand on the door handle for a moment.  Keeping his back on his father, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  “Tell me I’m wrong,” his father prodded again.  John was just waiting for Jax to admit to it so he could call the deal null and void and give the company over to Jerry.  The lack of caring for his current situation made Jax nauseous to think about it.

John took Jax’s lack of an answer to mean that he was right and that Jax didn’t want to admit it.  “I knew it!” he exclaimed loudly, not noticing Jax’s grimace.  He let himself into the living room.  “I knew it along, didn’t I?  I said it the day I met her,” he gloated.  “You only married that girl to settle our deal.  What?  You figured you could live your lives separately and that I would never find out, didn’t you?  She could run her little magazine and see whomever she wanted to and you could run your company from wherever you see fit.  The two of you would never have to see each other and you’d get J&J Jacks free and clear from me, right?  Well, you’re wrong!  I knew all along this marriage was a sham.  She probably doesn’t even remember what you look like it’s been so long since you’ve seen her,” John joked.

Jax had followed his father into the living room and now stood by the picture window staring dully at the sunshine outside.  He wasn’t even listening to what John was saying.  A week before, Jax had sat in Central Park and actually missed having his parents around him during this situation.  He had missed the love and care his mother would have given him and he had missed the help his father would have given him in getting out of it.  He had convinced himself it was okay to settle for having Brenda’s family surrounding him and that that was enough for him.  But all that time, it hadn’t been true.

He had been missing his mother’s touch and his father’s encouragement.  He had tried not to think about it because on top of everything else, it just hurt too much.  It was ironic that even though he had been the one to shut them out for five years all those years ago, he had suddenly missed having them in his life so much that it hurt.  The difference was that one had been his choice and one had been forced on him.  His parents just didn’t care what happened to him as long as he didn’t take them down with him.

Jax heard his father still going on about something in the background and tuned back in just in time to hear him say, “I’m sure Jerry will be thrilled to hear he’s now got shares in your company.”

He couldn’t help it, he suddenly laughed out loud.  Turning from the window, Jax looked at his father.  “Somehow I doubt very much Jerry wants anything to do with my company right now in the state it’s in.”  He didn’t wait for an answer as he turned to go into his bedroom.  “I’m going to go take a shower,” he said shortly.  “You can continue talking, if you want.”

Jax hadn’t seen the look of confusion on John’s face at his comment about J&J Jacks.  John didn’t know what that meant.  The state his company was in?  And Jax’s reaction to the whole encounter had been completely different from what John had expected.  Jax had looked positively sick when he’d informed him that he knew of his and Brenda’s deception.  He hadn’t defended himself or told him he was wrong.  Jax hadn’t defended Brenda in the slightest.  It was weird, John thought.  Had Jax suddenly lost his fire and willingness to fight?  Or was there something more to this?  He decided to wait until his son returned from his bedroom to find out.

John crossed the room to look out the window, impressed by the view from the thirty-fourth floor.  He’d been to this apartment many times, but the view had never ceased to amaze him.  New York in the summer was always a sight to see.  Certainly different from Alaska, he chuckled to himself.  Pouring himself a drink from the wet bar, he returned to watch the city below. 

A few minutes later, John turned quickly at the sound of the front door opening.  Two voices could be heard on the other side.  The female was laughing at something the male voice had just said.  The two stopped when they opened the door and saw who was in the living room.

“John?” Brenda asked.

“Brenda?!”

“Dad?!”

“Jerry?!”

The whole interaction was comical as they all began to laugh.  “Well, now that the introductions are out of the way,” Brenda said.

John shook his head, more confused now than ever.  “I don’t understand.  What are you doing here?”

“Which one of us are you asking?” Jerry joked.  “And we could say the same thing to you, I might add.”

“I thought you would be in Port Charles, Brenda,” John said, almost ignoring Jerry.

Brenda watched Jerry shake his head and look as if he was silently berating himself.  She turned her attention back to Jax’s father.  “Port Charles?  Why would you think that?”

“Because that’s where you live, isn’t it?”

“Well, yes, but this is where Jax is.  Why wouldn’t I be here?”  It suddenly dawned on her that John had some preconceived notion about their marriage.  He must have figured out their reason for getting married in the first place, she thought.  “The question is, John, what are you doing here?”  She thought she knew the answer, but she wanted to hear it from him.  She also wondered where Jax was since it was obvious John wouldn’t have been able to get into the apartment without someone letting him in.  That left her husband or her family.

“I should think that’s quite obvious,” John replied, gloating again.

Brenda stared at him as if he’d lost his mind.  “Pretend it’s not,” she suggested.  The obvious answer to her was that Jax’s parents, or at least his father, had finally shown up to give some support to their son, but it didn’t appear that was the answer from the look on John’s face.

“I know your marriage is a sham, Brenda,” John informed her.  “I came here to tell Jax our deal is off.  I just don’t understand why you’re here and certainly why Jerry is here.”

Brenda held up her hands, answers becoming abundantly clear in her head.  Either Jax’s father didn’t care that Jax was on trial or he didn’t know.  “Okay, wait a minute, let’s back up a second.  Is Jax even here?”  She had a mental image of Jax storming out of the apartment in a fit of anger because his father hadn’t shown any concern for the investigation.

John nodded towards the bedroom.  “Of course he is,” he said.  “He’s just taking a shower.  He didn’t say when he’d be done, though.”

“All right, fine,” she said.  She turned to Jerry.  “Stay here and entertain your father.  I’m going to go find Jax and we’re going to straighten this all out.”

Jerry nodded.  “If you say so.”

She started up the steps to the hallway.  “And Jerry?”  He looked up at her.  “Don’t say anything about that other thing, okay?”  She was referring to the whole investigation.  Jerry nodded silently in return.

The bedroom door was closed, but she could hear the sounds of the shower in the bathroom.  She closed the door behind her as she entered.  “Jax?” she called, wondering if she would get an answer from him.  She didn’t.  She sat on the bed to wait for him to get out of the shower.

Jax closed his eyes and leaned against the wall of the shower.  He’d heard Brenda’s voice call out to him.  He was actually relieved she was there.  He knew he needed her even if she thought he was angry with her. 

He’d decided, in the course of his shower, that he needed Brenda’s support more than ever since it was clear his father wasn’t going to give it to him.  He was being petty anyway, he told himself.  Brenda had only done what he would have done in the same circumstances.  The fact that she hadn’t told him was forgivable.  She hadn’t gotten anything to help him and she had figured it was better not to upset him, he guessed.  He’d hadn’t exactly been his usual easy-going self for the past several weeks.  He’d told himself that if she came home soon, he’d apologize to her immediately.

Jax turned off the shower and stepped out.  He dressed quickly in jeans and a t-shirt, running his fingers through his damp hair in an effort to comb it.  Taking a deep breath, he opened the door to face his wife.

“Hi,” he said softly as he saw her sitting on the bed.  She had smiled when she saw him and he returned it with a small one of his own. 

“Jax – “ Brenda began.

He held a finger up to his lips.  “Shh,” he said.  “Let me go first.”  She nodded.  He sat on the bed next to her, taking one of her hands in his.  He laced their fingers together and looked down at their hands before meeting her eyes.  “I’m sorry,” he apologized.  She smiled again in response.  “I was being unfair earlier.  I understand what you did, I swear I do.  It’s probably the same thing I would have done,” Jax admitted, smiling a little.  “I just wish you would have told me you went to see her.”

Brenda caressed his cheek with her free hand.  “Honey, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I didn’t find out anything.  That was the only reason.  I didn’t think you needed anything more to worry about.”

“I know and you were probably right.”  He kissed her palm gently.  “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since I left.  I haven’t been fair to you at all.  I mean in the last six weeks.  I haven’t been listening to you and I’ve been keeping things from you.  I don’t want to do that anymore.  If we’re going to get through this, I have to have someone to lean on.  And for better or worse, I want that to be you.”  He looked away from her eyes for a moment while he pushed the thought of his parents’ lack of support to the back of his mind again.

Brenda wrapped her arms around her husband and hugged him tightly.  “You’ll always have me to lean on, you know that.”  He nodded into the crook of her neck.

A few long moments later, Jax pulled away gently.  He kissed her lightly on the lips and then, as emotion filled the kiss, he shifted her to lay beneath him.  His intentions were completely clear and Brenda put her hand on his chest, pushing him back.  A look of confusion crossed his features.

“Jax, your father – “ she started to say.  Jax interrupted with an exclamation that was very unlike him to say.  A cloud of anger passed into his eyes as he grabbed her hand and practically dragged her into the living room with him.  “Jax!” Brenda cried out.  She’d seen the anger and was suddenly afraid of what he was going to do.  She adjusted the grip of his hand to lace their fingers back together.

John and Jerry were sitting on the opposite couched, watching each other silently.  It was hard to tell if a word had been spoken since Brenda had left them alone.  John’s bourbon sat untouched on the table between them.  They both got up quickly when they saw the fit of rage Jax had entered the room in. 

“Jax?” Jerry asked cautiously.  “What’s wrong?”

Jax had stopped in the middle of the room, facing his father.  He glared at him furiously as he thought of some way to control himself.  He took a deep breath.  “Dad, did you come all this way just to tell me you found out the real reason Brenda and I got married?”  He fought with every word to stay calm.

Brenda took her hand from Jax’s, not that he noticed.  He had clenched his fists unconsciously and in turn, her hand had been slightly crushed in his.  But she didn’t remove her touch from him.  She kept her hand on his forearm in an unspoken restraint.

John looked surprised at the extent of Jax’s anger, but he chuckled in spite of it.  “Just to tell you that?  I think it’s a pretty big issue we have here.  You broke our deal, Jax, and you know it.  I came here to tell you I knew about it and that I was giving my ten percent of your company to Jerry.  The paperwork is already processing.”  He turned to Jerry and spoke directly to him for the first time.  “Congratulations, son.  You are now part-owner of J&J Jacks of Alaska.”

“Dad – “ Jerry started weakly, but he was cut off when Jax turned and slammed his hand down on the mantle of the fireplace.

Jax braced his shaking hands on the mantelpiece for several long seconds.  The room filled with silence.  He shook his head, shrugging off Brenda’s touch.

“I don’t understand, Jax,” John said.  “You knew the deal from the start.  You were to marry for love and stay married for at least a year.  That was the deal and you broke it.”  He was merely trying to explain the circumstances, but he could tell something more was going on.

“That’s right,” came Jax’s quiet, eerily calm voice.  “You don’t understand.”  He relaxed his grip on the mantle and turned to face his father.  He couldn’t stop the angry tears from forming in his eyes.  “I don’t give a damn about that stupid deal!”

“Well, you should,” John replied. 

“That’s right, Dad,” Jax started sarcastically.  “I should care.  I should care about something as down-right petty as that piece of paper I signed two months ago.  But I don’t.  I don’t give one bloody cent about it because I’m looking at going to prison in two weeks’ time.  I should care about something, anything else but that, and I don’t.  But it’s quite obvious where your priorities are, isn’t it, Dad?”  His voice shook with pain.  “You obviously don’t care about that at all.  I’m going to prison for twenty-five years for a crime I did not commit and you don’t care.  You’d rather come here and gloat about that stupid deal we made way back when things like that mattered.”  He swiped at his eyes which were becoming so clouded with tears so that he couldn’t see his father’s reaction.  “Well, I’ll tell you something, Dad, you’re right.  See?  There, I admit it.  You are absolutely one-hundred percent correct.  I married Brenda to settle that deal and that was absolutely the only reason.  That’s what you want to hear, isn’t it?” 

Jax felt Brenda’s hand on his shoulder, but he didn’t acknowledge it.  “Nevermind the fact that I am completely in love with her, right?  That certainly doesn’t matter now, does it?  She is the only person who has been here with me during this entire investigation.  She is the only person who never once believed I did what they’re accusing me of.  She’s the person I came home to at night and who helped me when I needed it the most.  God knows my parents were nowhere to be found.”  He laughed as the tears started to fall down his cheeks.  Turning to gesture towards Jerry, he continued, “Even Jerry, here, came to help when he knew I needed it.  The brother I haven’t spoken to in three years and thought I hated for a lot longer than that.  Even he came to help me, but not my parents.  I didn’t get so much as a phone call from them, did I, Dad?”

He was finished talking and he was having trouble controlling the tears running down his face, so he walked over to the picture window to get away from them.  He felt Brenda come up behind him, but he shrugged her hands off his shoulders and she returned to the other side of the room.  Several long minutes passed in silence.

With his back to them, Jax couldn’t see the reaction his words had had on his father.  It had been abundantly clear that he had known nothing of any of this.  The look of shock that had turned to horror at the mention of twenty-five years in prison was enough to convince anyone of that.  Brenda had watched the whole thing, knowing she should say something about the charges having been dropped, but she knew there would be time for that.  Coming off of Jax’s apology in the bedroom, she knew this was one of the things he had been keeping from her all these weeks.  It was important to let him finally get it out without interruption.

John crossed the room to where his youngest son had his head in his hands, futilely trying to get his emotions back under control.  John put his hand on Jax’s shoulder and felt him flinch from the touch.  Enveloping him in his arms, he turned his son to face him, but Jax wouldn’t lift his head.  “I didn’t know,” John said hoarsely.  “You have to believe me, son, we didn’t know.”

Jax stayed in his father’s embrace for a few minutes before finally lifting his head and stepping back.  He scrubbed his hands over his face to remove the tears.  “How could you not know?” he asked quietly.  “You’d have to be living under a rock not to have seen the news reports or heard it on the radio.”

John chuckled slightly.  “Or you just have to be on an African safari for five weeks with no phones, televisions, or radios.” 

Jax looked at him in astonishment.  “You’re kidding, right?”

His father shrugged sheepishly.  “Your mother’s been pestering me about it for a few years now and I finally decided to take her.  Even if it was just to get her to stop asking.”

It was unfathomable, but it seemed to be the truth, Jax thought.  It certainly explained a lot, not to mention making him feel a hell of a lot better.  “It must have been a hundred degrees there for you to go in the middle of the summer,” he mused.

“Don’t remind me,” John joked.  “It was so hot there you could literally fry an egg on the ground.  But at least your mother will never want to do it again,” he quipped, grinning.

Jax crossed the room back to where Brenda stood.  She hugged him tightly, feeling that the muscles in his back and neck had relaxed from moments before.  John poured himself another very stiff drink and sat down on the couch.

Looking at Jax and Brenda in their obviously intimate embrace, he said, “Okay, so explain this again.”

 

Chapter 24

 

*Song Credit:  Feels Like Home by Chantal Kreviazuk and can be found on the Dawson’s Creek Soundtrack.