"Hanging On"

Chapter 11

Brenda sat at Jax's side for over half an hour, just being with him, when there was a knock at the door. She jumped up quickly to answer it. She opened the door to reveal John and Jane standing there.

"We've waited long enough, he's not going to keep us out any longer," Jane said immediately. She pushed past Brenda without allowing her to get a word out.

Jax had pulled himself into a sitting position when he heard the knock. "Mum, what are you yelling about?"

Jane walked over to stand by the couch, while Brenda and John remained in the doorway. "I'm yelling about you. I will not sit down in our room any longer without knowing you're okay."

"As you can see, I'm doing just fine." He gave Brenda a look that told her he'd been right about this.

"How were we supposed to know that? No one called us to let us know you were home safe. We didn't hear a single thing all day yesterday." Jane was standing with her hands on her hips and turned to look at Brenda.

"Jane, don't go about yelling at them now," John said reasonably. "I'm sure there was a good reason they didn't call us." He nodded at Brenda as if giving her the cue that she should tell them what that reason was now.

She crossed the room back to Jax and sat on the very edge of the couch by him. But Jax spoke for them, "There is a good reason. I didn't want to see anyone."

Jane looked at him like he was out of his mind. "But we're your parents! We deserve to know what's going on!"

Jax took a deep breath before responding. "That may be true, but I decide when we tell you things now. I am an adult and if I say I don't want to see anyone, then I don't." Jane stood with her mouth open, staring at Jax, who was still looking straight ahead at the opposite wall. "Now, if that was your only purpose in being here, I'd suggest you leave now. But if you had another reason, and would like to sit and enjoy the company, then sit down and do that."

John walked over to the couch and made a big production of sitting down and getting comfortable. He reached up and grabbed Jane's hand to pull her down with him.

"Now there is a rule here," Jax said. "I don't want to talk about this." He gestured to his body. "Anything else is fair game, but not that. Okay?"

"We understand," John replied.

They began talking about everything else under the sun and carefully skirted all talk of the accident. After they ordered and ate lunch, Jane pulled Brenda aside and asked her if she wanted a break. Brenda wondered what she meant. Jane told her to call Lois and go out to get a cup of coffee or something. They would look after Jax for awhile if she wanted to leave the penthouse for an hour or so. Since she knew Jax would probably sleep all afternoon, she agreed and went to call Lois.

Fifteen minutes later, Brenda kissed Jax goodbye and told him she'd be back in an hour. She was only going to be downstairs, so if they needed her, she'd be right there. Jax was not too happy about her leaving, but he let her go without complaining. He understood how important a break would be for her.

Jax heard the door close and braced himself for his mother. She immediately started in fussing over him. He closed his eyes and tried very hard to ignore her. This hour was going to pass very slowly if this continued. After awhile, Jax forced his breathing to appear even and pretended to be asleep. He knew it wasn't very nice to do to his mother, but at least she stopped fussing when she thought he was.

True to her word, Brenda returned an hour later, but with Lois in tow. Jane and John sensed their visit was done and they took their leave. As soon as Jax heard the door close, he sat up again.

"Jax, I thought you were asleep!"

"So did they." He grinned at Brenda.

"That wasn't very nice you know."

"I told you I didn't want to offend them, Brenda. It was the easiest way to make sure I didn't say something I would regret."

She walked over to the couch and kissed him. Lois still stood silently by the door, waiting for Brenda to tell Jax she was there. Brenda whispered something in Jax's ear and he smiled.

"Lois, get out of the doorway and come here." Jax motioned to her.

"I didn't know if you'd want the company, especially after we thought you were sleeping." She stepped over to him to hug him. Gingerly, she put her arms around him and then took a step back.

"No, I just didn't want to company that was here. I suppose you're fine, for now." He grinned slyly in her direction to let her know he was joking. She laughed and sat down on the other couch.

Jax and Lois talked and joked for about an hour, while Brenda cleaned up and did a few things she hadn't had a chance to do recently. She returned a few phone calls, watered the flowers that had been sent, and straightened up the bedroom, including changing the sheets on the bed.

When she returned to the living room, Brenda found Jax lying down and Lois was reading a recent magazine. She looked up when Brenda entered and smiled, indicating Jax had, indeed, fallen asleep. Brenda looked to make sure this time it was for real. She grinned when Lois gave her a look that said she knew what they were looking for.

Lois looked at her watch and got up then. She had to go get Brooke-Lynn from the Quartermaines. She gave Brenda a hug and left silently.

Brenda looked around the quiet apartment and sighed. She went up the three steps and sat in the chair at the top. It was turned to look out the window and she looked at the sky. It was beginning to snow again, but the sun was still shining periodically. While she watched it come down, she couldn't help but revert her thoughts to what they always were now when she was alone.

It could have been so easy to lose Jax and she didn't know how she would have dealt with it. He was her reason for being there, in that chair. He had saved her from so much, including herself. She had been on a downward spiral and her life was out of her control. Jax had stood by her and helped her pick up the pieces again. He helped her put them back together and make a new life for herself. One that didn't revolve around any one thing or person. She depended on Jax for support, but she knew that if she had to, she would make it without him. He had taught her how and she would never forget. But she had come so close to realizing that idea so recently. She knew everyone thought she was being strong for him, but inside she had almost been destroyed. She knew she would have sat by his bedside long after he'd gone and no one could have taken her away. As tears coursed down her face, she silently thanked the higher powers that she hadn't had to do that. She was lucky enough to have been given a gift. She had received it so many times now and she could only hope to think it would continue.

Brenda still sat in that chair when Jax awoke. Before he sat up, he heard what sounded like someone crying. Knowing it had to be Brenda, his heart broke. He didn't know why she was crying, but he could guess. She thought he didn't know every time, but this wasn't the first time he had awaken to hear her. He never said anything because he knew she had to deal with some of it by herself, but he couldn't do it this time.

He remained laying down, but he called to her, "Brenda?"

She quickly got up from the chair and wiped at her cheeks. "Right here, sweetie."

"Come here."

She walked over to the couch and stood beside it. "What? Do I need to get you anything?"

He reached for her hand and took it in his. He pulled her down on the edge of the couch and moved his other hand to her face. For a moment, all he did was run his fingers lightly over her face, as if feeling her for the first time. He stopped and put his hand under her chin. "No, what I need is you. I need you to stop trying to hide your feelings from me."

"I wasn't-"

"I heard you crying, Brenda. And I think I know why."

"You do?"

"Brenda, you didn't lose me. I'm right here. I'm not in mint condition, but I will be someday. You could never lose me, you know that, don't you? I will never leave you, ever. Nobody leaves, always remember that, Brenda, always, no matter what happens, nobody leaves." He pulled her down to him and kissed her. Gently he motioned for her to lie down next to him. Seeing there wasn't enough room, and with enough time and carefulness, she was eventually laying on his chest, with her legs stretching between his.

She put her head down on his chest and sighed. "I know, Jax, but it would have been so easy-"

"Stop, all right? I'm here. I always will be. I'm not telling you again, Brenda, nobody leaves."

She began to cry again then. Her head rested on his bare chest and her tears rolled down him to where they fell on his open shirt. Softly, inaudible to any ear, but Jax's, she whispered, "Nobody leaves."

The next day flew by for Brenda. She was frantic trying to arrange everything for her surprise for Jax. She was trying to do it without him suspecting a thing, but knew she'd failed at that. He was too good not to know something was up. She hadn't argued with him once when he insisted on coming down to the living room, making it without incident. She had called John and Jane and they came to keep him company while she ran all her errands and made all her phone calls.

Eventually, Brenda returned and they all had dinner. She refused to answer any of Jax's questions about where she had been, saying he would find out the next day. She had called Joe and updated him on Jax's condition and he had given them a go-ahead. He reminded her to take Jax to a hospital and get the stitches removed in a few days and what she should do if they have any problems.

Brenda made Jax go to bed early that night, knowing the possible strain the next day would have on him. There would be a lot of moving around, and as easy as she had been trying to make it for him, she knew he may get tired quickly. The only problem was that she knew how insistent he was on using his own force and not using a wheelchair at any cost. They'd had that discussion once when the subject of leaving the apartment had come up. She kissed him good night and finalized her plans. They would be leaving first thing in the morning.