Horrorscopes
Week Of November 28, 1999
Aries: (March 21--April 19) Your new love interest turns out to be a dominatrix, ouch.
Taurus: (April. 20--May 20) You understand why the officer has the handcuffs and the riot shield, but can't understand why he has the giant dildo.
Gemini: (May 21--June 21) You will come to terms with yourself as a sexual entity, now come to terms with me as a sexual entity.
Cancer: (June 22--July 22) You will go to Las Vegas. You will wake up having drunkenly married an out of work Elvis impersonator.
Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22) Its gonna be damn shame what they do to your dog.
Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22) You were Joan of Arc in a former life, you will be a mop boy at a porn shop in your next.
Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23) You will go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21) A news story will air about you including the words: "...suddenly opened fire at family and friends..."
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21) A news story will air about you including the words: "...extensive child pornography collection..."
Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19) A news story will air about you including the words: "...dental records showed..."
Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18) You will get laid many, many times
Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20) A news story will air about you including the words: "...running through church naked slashing at parishners with sword..."