Horrorscopes
Week Of 11/21 - 11/27
Aries: (March 21--April 19)
Something may happen to you this week....or it may not
Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
Sodomy will be the way it'll have to be.
Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
You will fall asleep while fucking and become either a bus driver or a gimp
Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
You will find true happiness...and drugs.
Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
You discover that you can in fact get vinereal diseases from hamsters.
Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
You will meet your dream girl.
Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
You will discover that acceptance of others is not a bad thing; you will decide gang rape however is.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
You will discover undiscovered friendships which previously lay unfound
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
The Leoinids show that you will finally sleep with your dream partner; unfortunately your state looks down on beastiality
Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
Your shortage of funds will force you to choose between beer and toilet paper.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
All your dreams will be fulfilled and your roommates will capture every moment on video.
Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
Your family will trade you for a case of Michalobe Light.