Horrorscopes
Week Of 11/14 - 11/20
Aries: (March 21--April 19)
You will be sodomized twice by a rampant gopher..
Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
You will come to realize that your leprosy is really a blessing in disguise, what with the nuclear winter and all..
Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
You're Gonna Die Twice.
Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
There's no reason you shouldn't live another twenty or thirty years; however, you will be bleading constantly from both eyes.
Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
Leos are thieving motherfuckers who often enjoy masturbation more than sex. They are cold and unemotional and have a tendency to fall asleep while fucking. You will die of a venereal disease.
Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
Several members of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleading Squad will come looking for your Giant Cock
Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
My cock will be in your horizon this week.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
You're Gonna Die Fuckin'
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
The sun is in Scorpio and the moon is in Aquarius. My cock is in your ass.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
You're Gonna Die.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
You're Gonna Die.
Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
You will be deported.