291 Newletter November 16, 1999
Here's the 291 Update! I decided to send it straight to you because I know that if Rebecca puts it in her 'newsletter', you won't read it... So, without further ado, here we go!
Sleep Deprivation? Pah!
Baker College Room 291 saw it's first all-nighter of the season when freshman tight end Joseph Garland ran off approximately 40 hours of consecutive awakenness on Friday, Nov. 12, and Saturday, Nov. 13.
Numerous appointments and lack of true motivation forced Garland, a future former Musi, to give up on life and pull an all-nighter. Though he had 40 hours of potential productive hours at his fingertips, he used none
of them for practicing purposes, causing him to horribly botch his playing assignments on Monday.
When asked how he felt after such an ordeal, Garland replied, "Get out of my fucking face! Why the fuck can't you people just leave me alone? Damn Japanese Leprechaun sons of bitches..."
Skip Class For Tight Ass
A totally hot hostess at a local sports bar continues to go unnamed, despite freshman tight end Joseph Garland's numerous attempts to contact her and suggest certain extra-curricular activities (read - dirty animal sex).
The nameless hostess was first spotted on November 7, when Garland and Mexican Robert Quesada visited Two Rows in The Village to watch a Miami Dolphins game and partake in a hearty meal. Since the initial sighting, Garland has been served with endless thoughts, dreams, and masturbation fantasies regarding the 5' 7" blonde beauty. Three return trips to the popular restaurant have proven unsuccessful, as the hostess has been unavailable.
When reached for comment, Garland's agent, Shuriku O'Connellquinn offered the following statement: "Dammit, when will you [expletives deleted] figure out that I'm not that fucker's agent anymore? Motherfucking racist honky..."
A future excursion to Two Rows with intent to pick up the hottie will be planned by Garland later in the week. All interested in accompanying Garland on his surely victorious quest are encouraged to contact him at [email protected].
New Policies Pass 291 Referendum
Several new policies will be enforced within the confines of Baker room 291 following the unanimous approval of the WOTU referendum.
Some rules which will now be enforced at all times are as follows:
1) Knock on the damn door. If no one answers, GO AWAY!!!
2) Put on some damn shoes. Like it doesn't stink enough already. Jeez!
3) If you drink a Mexican Coke, you owe us $2.50 (yes, two-fitty).
4) Don't fuck with the MP3 playlist in progress. If you want to listen to your own music, go to your own damn room.
5) We reserve the right to kick anyone's ass we please.
The WOTU, or Weed Out The Undesirables, referendum will surely change the way everyone looks at room 291 from now on. When reached for comment, sportscaster/S&M fanatic Marv Albert replied, "Yes!" We also assume that Marv would like Bob Costas to engage in rectal intercourse with him, but that is neither here nor there. And it better not happen in room 291.
Hide Your Daughters! Dan's Back!
Baker College freshman Daniel Henning returned from some crack ass debate tournament in the wee hours of Monday morning, bringing with him disease, pestilence, and Marcela. (One and the same? You be the judge.) Yippee.
Upon arrival, Henning said, "Rice has the best debate team in the state of Texas."
When asked who won the tournament, Henning replied, "Texas Tech. And why the fuck is Anna Kournikova on my computer wallpaper?"
What's the matter, Dan? Not a big fan of the ladies, eh?
Percussion Concert To-Nite!
Freshman tight end Joseph Garland will be performing at the Shepherd School of Music's Stude Hall with the other members of the Rice percussion studio at 8:00 To-Nite. To be performed are works by Cage, Rouse, Vivaldi, and some other jack-offs. The big plus here is that it's free!
When reached for comment, Garland replied, "The show is sure to kick ass. We sure practiced enough. So go. I mean, it's not like we're playing cellos or triangles or something gay like that. Wait, we do play triangles. But everyone better go anyway. Or I'll fucking kill them. Except for that hottie hostess. I probably won't kill her."
Full House Still Sucks
In a unanimous vote, everyone typing at this computer now has decided that Full House was a terrible television program. However, reruns should still be played on the air, because one of those girls used to be pretty damn hot.
When reached for comment, Full House star Bob Saget replied, "Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. Tell me, did you ever suck some dick for marijuana? I didn't think so."
Something about Jarrett
I didn't say anything mean about Jarrett in this installment of the 291 Update! I guess I'll get to it at lunch or something.
When contacted about Joe's apathy with regard to making fun of Jarrett, Turkish love machine Mahir replied, "I like sex. If anyone want come TURKEY, I can invitate. My tall is 1.82 cm. I have many many musical enstrumans. I like to take foto-camera of nice nude models."
Well, there's the 291 Update for now. Not liking it will cause you to become a midget pornography magazine.