the JEWSIAN FUSION INTRUSION

May 24, 2005
Okay, so everyone's been waiting for the last episode of the Star Wars saga directed by George Lucas, me included. Lucas actually wrote nine episodes, but if the big guys up at Hollywood decide - wrongly - to create episodes VII, VIII, and IX, he won't be directing them. And seeing as we have enough problems with flow going from episodes I-III to episodes IV-VI, well... if you really want to know the rest of the story, read the fanfiction, because a Star Wars movie directed by anyone other than George Lucas is blasphemy.

Let me just say before I get into this that I have a lot of respect for Lucas as a director. He practically created a new freakin' genre, man. For those of you who don't know the history of Star Wars, it was basically the Napoleon Dynamite of the seventies. After the debut of A New Hope in 1977, which originally was playing in less than twenty theaters, the name George Lucas went from "Buh? Is he that guy... who lives downstairs... ?" to "Oh, the director of the greatest movie ever made? HOLY CRAP MAN, WHAT A FREAKIN' GENIUS." Star Wars mania swept society by storm and people couldn't stop talking about it, just as people religiously center all of their stupid conversations around Napoleon Dynamite today. Of course, Star Wars is better than Napoleon Dynamite could ever hope to be.

So basically, Revenge of the Sith is the great transition from the Republic to the Empire, from Anakin to Darth Vader, from Senator Palpatine to Lord Sidius (well, technically he already was Lord Sidius... ), and let's not forget the birth of good ol' Luke and Leia Skywalker. Any of your run-of-the-mill Star Wars fans should know this, so Lucas has to really work to keep the element of suspense or shock his audience. You'd think, in his old age, that he wouldn't be able to do this, and for the most part you'd be right. BUT. There are two or three places that caused me to clutch my head in shock and say "AYAYAY!" The story itself was fucking incredible. Good job, man. Good job.

Unfortunately, this is where the compliments stop. Although I love the story, I have a lot of issues with the way Lucas has chosen to do the first three episodes. When episodes IV-VI were made, special effects weren't nearly as advanced as they are today and Lucas had to rely on miniature models and puppets for a lot of his spacecraft and alien creatures. Now, this isn't a bad thing. True, there are a few places where modern technology could've helped a bit, but for the most part, episodes IV-VI look pretty convincing.

I know it must be pretty overwhelming for ol' Georgie, having all of this new technology at his disposal. But, I mean, just because you have the ability to use it doesn't mean that it has to be used. There were lots of places in the movie where computer animation was used for no reason at all. They could've done it fine without adding a lot of unnecessary CG that looks a lot less realistic than any puppet or miniature model. A lot of the characters looked straight out of a freakin' video game. And General Grevious... oh, don't get me started on General Grevious.

My point is, Lucas got a little excited and went totally overboard with all the new technology. Technology which doesn't appear anywhere in episodes IV-VI. Which makes it really hard for the movies to... you know, flow together, which is what they're supposed to do. Yes, today's innovations are great, and they should be used when they're needed. Going insane with them is tacky. TACKY. And besides... I LIKED YODA AS A PUPPET. I WANT YODA TO STAY A PUPPET.

And as for the acting... well, we couldn't act any better than they could. But we're not getting paid to act, now are we? In the words of my brother, "Star Wars is where good actors go to act bad." Never were truer words spoken.

Overall: A story better than the Bible; Yoda totally owns even if he does look like a video game character; when light sabers just don't cut it, a good kick to the face will; old school wipe action; acting that almost made me cry; unnecessary special effects; sexual tension between Anakin and Palpatine; many characters can survive WITHOUT AIR; Lucas gone Hollywood.

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, please to take these three and a half out of five snorts of coke.